Update - December 2016

I've not kept up this blog regularly, so this post will be yet another 'update'. Updates are good too, if people are reading the blog.

Kevin and I got back from Manitoba last night. We were there longer than I've ever stayed since moving to Calgary. I will say that I had a really long sleep in my familiar and much-loved bed (although I didn't mind the bed at my parents') last night. There were a few big things going on this time around that required a longer stay.

To start, we hit the road running in order to get prepared for my parents' 50th Anniversary celebration! 50 years of marriage is definitely worth celebrating!!! The celebration was the day after the day we arrived in Manitoba. It went really well! I was so busy that I hardly took any pictures and the ones I took did not turn out well! The preparations on the celebration day included helping Kevin get the sound set up, setting the tables, helping with food prep (I was in charge of the punch - yeah, I now, not a huge task but still it took time), and getting the reception program ready. I was one of the MC's, so I had to connect with all the people on the list for singing / speaking. I also had to plan with my niece who co-MC'd with me. We did not get a chance to do any planning before the big day. There was lots of organizing and running around to do. I also helped getting a photo video together (mostly done by my husband!). It all went off, though, without any big problems besides some technical glitches. Even the piano duet my sister and I played with my niece singing along went well. We literally picked our song the night before, practiced it a couple times, then ran with it the next day. We called it improv piano playing which I think frustrated my niece who was trying to sing along. She did well, by the way! On a side note, I liked my descriptions of how we would do the various verses - "tinkly", "marching with authority", "slow and building". It made sense to us, anyway, despite my sister calling me "weird" (which is usual and not taken as an insult). Oh, the food was amazing too - pulled pork, beans, and coleslaw from Danny's Whole Hog! The cakes were very well done too!

50th Anniversary cakes prepared by Flour Connections

Next up, my mom's surgery for her breast cancer. This diagnosis has certainly re-alerted me of the necessity to make sure I get checked for breast health - which I did in the meantime since finding out about the diagnosis. It runs in my mom's family so I know it's a good idea to be on top of it. The surgery went well, or so the doctor reported, and he is hopeful he got everything. That being said, it's still uncertain and the next while cancer will be at the back of our minds regardless of a clean bill of health. It is likely she will require radiation, either way. I worry about that because we won't be present to help. While staying with my parents, I helped her with cleaning her incisions / tape / bandages and we both (husband and I) helped a lot around the house and with things she needed. Kevin prepared a turkey as well as much of the other food! I helped with the smaller tasks such as measuring, stirring, preparing punch, making whip cream for pies, baking cookies, setting the table, chopping ingredients for the stuffing, etc. I worry about how things will go when we're not around - we stayed at their house and saw where the needs are. Nobody else besides my dad lives there. I do know she will be ok, and that my family back home loves her and will do what they can. Still, her energy is low, but she doesn't ask for help often, then gets so exhausted. Every night since the surgery, she has been wiped out. This will pass, I'm sure. She is still recovering and still has pain.

Kevin and I had the opportunity to connect with a couple friends. This trip, we did not get the chance to see many friends. Weather played a role, but our main focus was on family. It was a blessing to spend time with the two families (couple / families) we were able to see. Both are dear friends where I know we lift each other up in prayer, love, and fun times. Seeing them makes me want to live in Manitoba again.

For some time alone, Kevin and I went to spin Poke stops and sometimes went for a quick bite to eat or went to a store to run some errands. We watched some shows on the laptop. Otherwise, we were pretty much around others 24-7. This is exhausting, but it was still good. We joined my dad a couple times for aquacise. I hope we can get into that back in Calgary. I used to go weekly.

We experienced frustration too. We bought a new vehicle recently before we left, as it was time to replace the old vehicle. However, we have had significant delays in being able to install hand controls. I enjoy driving and Kevin does not as much. However, he had to do all the driving - to and from Manitoba as well as everywhere we needed to go. I am hopeful we will be able to get them installed next week, but it will still be another week until I can drive the new vehicle. That will make it a delay of about 6 weeks, maybe more. It will cost more than we initially planned for, as well. There is a chance some or all of this will be refunded to us. I look forward to the (hopefully) improved hand controls system that should require less force and should result in less neck / back pain on long drives and during stop-and-go traffic.

We are trying to sort out where God is leading. Do we stay here? Do we move to Manitoba? How can we know what to do or where to go? A factor that has us wondering is that Kevin has not gotten a job and has been working so hard at getting a job. However, some things are moving in a positive direction for this. He has gotten some contract work (e.g. painting) and he has an interview on Monday. The programs he is interested in studying seem to be in either Manitoba or in Ontario. I enjoy the work I do and the professional network I've developed here in Calgary. However, I worry more and more about accessibility and with increasing funding cuts, I wonder how that might impact my ability to do my job. I get so tired after sometimes even 3 days of work and certainly after 4. I just moved into full-time work, and due to circumstances, have yet to work a full 5-day work week where I am on-site every day. I worry that my body won't be able to handle it - and then what? I hope that if we would move elsewhere, I would find something meaningful again and that I'd be able to get connected to a good professional network. I know Kevin would find something meaningful elsewhere. Although his volunteer work and other aspects in life are meaningful to him, it would be so good if he could find something else meaningful to do outside of the house that would be a source of income. However, I guess we need to be patient with Calgary's economic situation right now. I am thankful we can make ends meet with my income. At times, we just need to watch our spending more.

In reading what I've written above, I see the word "worry" several times. I don't want to be in a space of worrying. That's never a good place to be. I know that I need to just rest - roll with the punches, rest in God and know that God is God. God's got a plan and has his own timing. He can give me strength. He can help us through our tough times. Things, overall, are quite good but it is important for me to remember to not let the struggles and tough things get too overwhelming. I need to believe whole-heartedly that God is far greater than I could ever imagine and he wants to bless us! God has provided and He will continue to provide!

So much has changed over the past year!

Wow! It's been so long since I last blogged! One year ago to the day, my husband and I 'officially' became a couple. We met the summer before (August 2014) at my cousin's place for a bonfire night and began talking, but not often at that point. Following a trip to Ottawa last February where we spent time together in person (rather than by skype or other electronic format), we began talking about the possibility of an 'us'. He is from Ontario and I'm from Manitoba, but we met in Calgary.

It seemed like once we knew we wanted to be a couple, we had a pretty good idea that things were moving towards marriage. A few more trips between Ontario and Alberta, with a quick trip to Manitoba in between, and we were planning our wedding.

We got married in October and had a lovely fall wedding in a halfway point between Ontario and Alberta. Hopefully I WILL post a few pictures of our wedding, but I can't post a long entry today.

God has truly blessed us and it feels like we are the missing puzzle pieces of the bigger picture God has for us. He fit for me and I fit for him. And looking at us together, you might never know! He is over 6 feet tall and I am about 4'6". All along the journey, we saw God working and He made it clear that we should be together.

I have exciting things on the go as well. The reason I can't post a long entry is that tonight, I had set aside time to prepare for the course I will be teaching in May. It is on community-based occupational therapy in the field of mental health. The course will focus on engaging clients that are at times more challenging to engage. I've taught most of this before, but I still have a lot of prep work to do and need to write out the assignments and marking rubric for the course. Additionally, I will be a panel member in an extended session at the CAOT conference in Banff in April. I have prep work for that too. On top of that, we are moving from a small condo to a 3 bedroom bungalow. This house will allow us to do some of the things we are passionate about. It will also eliminate the need to walk a long flight of stairs each day to get to and from the car. We are moving in about 2 weeks - and haven't started packing yet! That's because it was finalized while we were on holidays - of which we just returned this weekend!

In the meantime, my husband is looking for meaningful occupation(s) here in Calgary, whether that will end up doing more volunteering, getting part-time work or full-time work, or all of the above. We would love to get into fostering or even being supportive roommates for individuals who need extra support in their day to day living - or both, as the new house has a fully legal suite downstairs. This new house has the possibility for us to do just that!

We don't know where God will all lead us. But we know that God is in control and that He WILL provide and guide us.

Work Life Changes

I've take n a leap of faith and accepted a position that is only officially a 0.6 FTE (going down from 0.8 FTE). The job had been posted before and I was interested but just couldn't bring myself to apply for a 0.6 position. This time, however, I responded to an email about the position where it suggested the position might increase to full time so I took a risk and emailed to find out more about the programs. Long story, short - I am now working in this new role. It's an exciting role that looks like it will include a more grassroots approach than inpatient psychiatry. I also have a lot of autonomy to make the role fit for the clients and the organization as a whole. Who knows, with time, maybe there will be an occupational therapy team rather than just me! But that would be  a long ways off. The good news around the FTE aspect, it looks like my hours will increase (albeit not an official increase in the position hours itself). There is lots to learn, but I also believe I have lots to bring to the table as well. I have started to make connections and build rapport with some of the clients which will be a very important component to successful interventions. This population is very marginalized. The ones I'll be working with primarily also have low life skills or lower functioning. It's an exciting time for me career-wise!

Moving symbolic of a shift in life

I'm sitting here, not sure what to write, but feeling like I should write something. I could write an update on how things are going here at the new place, but there's not a lot to say. I'm in. It was a rough move, but I think it will be good in the long run. I could write about what I've been thinking about recently. However, it feels like that's still percolating. I'm not quite sure how to put it into words yet. Or if I ever want to. It's been more reflection - nothing good or bad, just reflection. And trying to sit with whatever feeling I'm having. Observing it. At times, praying about what I'm feeling, especially when I'm trying to figure out what it's about. And trying to find direction.

I withdrew from Dragonfly. That was a result of reflecting. It just didn't seem like it was an option that would work out. Now that I've moved to this place, the idea seemed even more 'far removed'. Financially, it didn't seem like an option. I just don't have 30,000 sitting around for a down payment. That's what is required at this stage, even though I may well qualify for a 5% down in purchasing. And, when I sit at my computer and look out my window, there is something peaceful and calming about not being in the heart of the city. Being able to look out and see grass and trees. At night, it even looks like the city is in the distance. Yet, I'm a 10 minute drive from downtown. I suppose it reinforces the idea that I'm really not a big city girl. The Dragonfly project is located just south of downtown. There are buildings all around and very little, if any, green space anywhere nearby the site. Nearby to me means within site of the building. This place feels more like home than any of the other places I've lived in. Maybe it's because it reminds me a little of the place I spent most of my first 10 years of life. I like that I don't have to drive far to get to important amenities and I do like that I'm not in the middle of a concrete jungle. I also like that I'm closer to the mountains and the back country.

So, back to the Dragonfly... yes, it feels like a loss. I was beginning to connect with some people there. As my social circle seems to be changing a lot lately with me spending more time with certain friends and very little time with friends I used to spend a lot of time with and also getting to know new people, it stings a little to have started getting to know some people to only have to say good-bye to them. I know deep down most won't bother to stay in touch. So, I suppose that was a short season of my life. There's also the sense of loss around that possibility of having a real community around and living in a place that works for me accessibility wise. Mind you, the accessibility didn't seem to be working out in the end anyway. That's just not where most of the community was at anymore - it was more about saving money. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about having affordable housing. However, big picture wise, if aging in place is the goal, cutting out many of the accessibility features for the name of saving money is not going to save money in the long term.

Yet, there is a glimmer of excitement about what is to come. To me, making the switch from one side of the city to the other feels a little symbolic to me. I'm in a new place that looks professional. I'm out of the 'hood'. This place seems to be a nice, relaxing atmosphere, with what seems to be a less likelihood of observing hold-ups and other crimes (although I know crime happens everywhere). I really did witness a hold-up near my previous place, by the way. I actually feel motivated to work from home when I'm here, as opposed to the previous place. I also have started to connect a little more with other professionals. I feel like this might even translate into spending time with them socially to at least some degree. The thought of getting to know a new neighbourhood also excites me a little. I am curious to find some new, cozy coffee shop, or some interesting store or a park that draws me.

Moving Time Again

So, it's moving time again. The joys of living in apartments. Won't it be nice when I own a place? No more moves every few months or every year, or every couple years. This time, I'm moving because I have a much better opportunity - cheaper, nicer, safer neighbourhood. They want to raise the rent here, and the building management feels they have no competition so they can charge whatever they jolly well please. They actually told me this - that they have no competition so they can charge what they want to. From the outside, this place looks nice. Until you take a closer look. And my apartment itself is quite nice. But, I look outside my window, and I see doggy poop bags ... full of poop, strewn across the grass. I see broken bits of garbage. I see shelves that someone disposed of. And walking outside the door, if I don't watch my step, I step on dog poop. There is a banana peel that has rotted in the parkade. It's been there since I moved in to the building 8 months ago. I hear domestic violence quite frequently, whether that's beside me, above me, or outside my apartment window. However, my current place is 10 minutes from work. Just down the road, I witnessed a police hold up, guns and all. The new place will definitely be a longer commute. But it will also have front loading laundry machines in the suite. I hate moving. I was feeling stressed about it earlier this week and especially today, but right now, I'm actually feeling at peace. I have some help lined up, and I believe I will be able to get the rest lined up. I just need to get the fees waived for breaking my lease. It's possible, apparently. I really hope this new place is one I can settle into for a longer term. I REALLY hope this! I feel, though, that this move will bring a positive shift of change for me. This repetitive moving really sucks. Part of me wonders, though, if I am the kind of person who does like change frequently. Some sense of stability would be nice, though.

Emotionally charged does not equal a sum in the negative

This week has been an emotionally charged week.

It started with a difficult conversation with a friend who had hurt me in the past and wanted to apologize to me. You know, although I felt the hurt in the past, I wrote it off as my friend going through something so that it hurt less. Hearing the apology and the fact my friend wished that the clock could be turned back and things could have been done differently affected me a lot surprisingly. I was able to truly acknowledge that hurt, process it, and forgive the actions that were knowingly done. A few days later, a friend asked to go for coffee with me to correct me on my actions. That conversation was also difficult because yes, I do this sometimes. I also know it's situationally dependent and possibly person dependent which begs the question why. I don't know the answer to that question. Anyway, I suppose I need to reflect and see when / if I do this in the future and try to change my ways. I just wish I knew years ago because not talking about it for years and letting it build up - that's not healthy either. Letting things sit and brew without saying anything just fuels the irritation. And I know we all do things that are annoying. I had a difficult conversation with another friend - one from the cohousing project. I had to let her know I'm pulling out - at least for now. She's been so nice and encouraging. I just can't see how I can afford a down payment and when my professional opinion is taken more as my personal opinion because I do have a disability and I get snarky comments that are personal, I just don't desire to give my input. It is too draining. So it was a week of difficult conversations.

At work, the transition that we're experiencing has not been as smooth as desired. It's been frustrating and is not helping with the overall atmosphere and morale of the department. There is a lot of negativity. I want to make the best of it, but I still don't understand the need for such an overhaul when things finally had settled and a good routine was developed. I wish for a pleasant, easy going atmosphere. I will do what I can to make this transition as pleasant an experience as possible. There are aspects of this change that I think can be good. But I will definitely miss working with the complex cases and having the opportunity to learn about what's going on in community mental health and the various agencies that work with individuals who have complex issues as my passion is working with individuals who have complex issues.

Then, on the flip side, I've been offered an opportunity that I really do need to consider. I have been offered an apartment where my rent would be $130 less a month and there are amenities (pool, hot tub, sauna, exercise room, games room) included that are much better than where I'm at now (none of the above). The location is safer. The place is beautiful and professional looking. There are front loading laundry machines in the suite. There is lots of light. There is a den that is as big as my current office if not bigger so I could possibly even get a roommate in the second bedroom to help with the rent. Or get an international student to get a new experience. The cons are potentially with the parking - there is a path right in front of the apartment. Initially I was told I could park there, but now it looks like it might be a fire lane. The other parking spot is underground but there are some stairs - a relatively short flight of stairs (maybe 10) and then another 3. I can do stairs on most days. But if that's my only opportunity for parking, this is not going to work for me. The two other down sides are the very fact of moving - I HATE moving - and the increased driving time and distance to work and church. It would add at least 15-20 minutes each way. Oh, and the other huge con - the fee to break my lease here which at the most could be $2035. There may be a way to reduce that. I doubt I can consider the move if the fee is still over $2000. If this move happens, it will be quick. This decision is weighing heavily on my mind as it will mean a lot of change. At the same time, maybe starting fresh is a good thing.

Another opportunity that seems to be arising - an opportunity to do the kind of ministry and work I've dreamed of doing. Except it's not in Calgary. And it wouldn't be for another year or more. We'll see if it happens. But I've had some conversations this week where I was asked to consider starting something up. It was so neat to see this friend have the same vision as me. And the same realization as me that Calgary has a lot of services already - it's saturated.

I also was invited to a wedding in White Rock, BC next month. It would be so fun to take this trip and stay for a few days in a cabin near the water. A few of my friends are going so I do hope I can go and that I can be part of a car pool.

We had quite an intense youth night on Friday as well. We were talking about self worth. We had some good discussion and the girls opened up quite a bit. Later on, a few of the girls shared some quite personal struggles. It was a blessing they felt comfortable enough to share. At the same time, more than ever, I see that it takes a lot of wisdom to journey with these girls. I truly hope God provides this wisdom so that we can be there in the most meaningful ways.

It seemed neat how all these things came together this week. They are all quite unrelated, but the housing opportunity seemed to come following my realization the current cohousing project is just not for me - at least not now. The friends situations felt like there was growth in those relationships, although I feel slightly clueless as to what the best way to grow in these friendships is. The possible ministry opportunity was neat in that it is exactly what I've been thinking I'd love to do. I will expand on it more if the discussions continue and develop into something. I don't want to post more on that at this time - but you can ask me personally if you wish. With that, I want to say, emotionally charged does not equal a sum in the negative.

Cohousing - an idea I'm contemplating

I haven't posted in a while. Life has been busy, with finishing off my course I'm teaching, to getting the youth year kicked off, to simple every day things. However, one new thing I'm considering is the idea of cohousing. I've met with a group in Calgary (Dragonfly Cohousing) and I'm strongly considering connecting with this group and becoming a part of it. I like the idea of living in community. Maybe in my current situation of being single, I am thinking of ways to build that community around me - to have some connectedness. I also have never liked the idea of suburbia. I don't like living in a place and not knowing those around me. Maybe part of that is my experience of growing up in a small town. At least for many years, we knew all our neighbours. Neighbour kids often came by to play street hockey. A neighbour girl who had some problems at home felt at home coming to our house, and I remember my mom teaching her how to sweep the floor. She also baked with us sometimes. This same girl ended up being someone I became a 'big sister' to for a while. I had close friends who lived on my street or just a street over, and we often went to each others' houses. Our parents didn't seem to be too concerned - they knew in general where we were and that we were being taken care of. I don't like the idea of all the houses looking the same, which is common in suburbia. I like having the convenience of things within walking (or scooter) distance. I like having the opportunity to go downtown, or go down to the river. Although I love driving, I also like the idea of being able to get groceries while on my scooter, or just strolling around the neighbourhood taking pictures. There's not much in that way where I live right now. They are also planning on having a garden for fresh vegetables and herbs (if I heard correctly). The cohousing project won't be ready for at least a year or two. They are all interested in healthy eating, which would be a great side benefit - encouragement to eat healthy. The year or two wait will probably be good timing for me when considering buying a place. This particular group of people are also committed to making the place accessible and a place to age into. I need something like this. I like the idea of having input as to what the place and community I live in will be like. I also like the idea of being in community.

There are concerns, though. The site chosen is on a big hill. It's scary for me to think of buying into something when I don't know what it will be like in the end. Will this slope be problematic for me mobility wise? And, with my experience of growing up in the country, and also, right now, of living at the edge of the city, will I feel too enclosed with buildings all around me? The one thing I didn't like about being downtown was the concrete jungle. For me, being at the top of the hill may feel less like being in a concrete jungle as I'd be able to see further. At the bottom, I'd be looking up at buildings all around. That part has not been decided. I'm guessing, though, there will be ways to get around that feeling, particularly if there will be gardens on the property and other outdoor features that will feel less like a concrete jungle. I also wonder about snow removal. What will that be like on that street? Then again, it's never been good anywhere I've lived. It's Calgary, afterall. Living at that location will mean a longer commute, but then, I have come to the conclusion, one can never guarantee where they will work in a few years. Purchasing a place based on current work sites is maybe not so wise. Mind you, it would probably only add 5 minutes to my commute to the hospital, and would be less to SAIT. My veterans work is wherever they are, and can't be planned for. Being central would be nice for many reasons. I just hope that a grocery store will be built nearby that location soon. So, I guess lots to think about. Lots to pray about. I really do like the concept, though, overall.

A New Chapter ... or maybe just a new page

As some of you know, I'm moving once again. Later on today (as it's after midnight), in fact. It's been amazing how people have come forward to help me out. Yes, I had to initially ask. However, I'm seeing friends who seem to want to help - coming from many different areas of my life. I need help with all aspects of moving from packing to the actual move to the unpacking. Connections through work, international students, church, family, my small group, music involvement, movie and book discussion nights, etc. Initially, I had some concerns, as I realized that much of my small group is not really around anymore, or some are simply so busy right at the moment- and the group has been such a strong support in my previous moves. This time, I'm seeing more diverse people, which is cool. And, I think, this speaks to my conscious effort to connect with people both in church and in other areas of my life. So far, the packing process has also been a way to connect with various people. When my cousin was over the other night, we packed several boxes, but we talked for 3 hours in the process. I guess this diversity also speaks to being involved in more things than I have been previously.

In many ways, this is a new chapter, or at least turning a page in the book of my life. I will be saying good-bye to the couple upstairs who have become my friends. They are moving as well, and not just relocating within Calgary but moving across the province to the north. I'm also moving into an apartment where I have no idea what to expect other than that it seems like a nice place to live. My finances will, once again, look different. This rent is double what I'm paying now. However, it seems inevitable. At least it's cheaper than my place in the Beltline.

In other areas, I'm seeing some changes happening - I'm hoping they are all for the good of everyone. At times, though, it may be hard. I hope that, somehow, some aspects will be very welcome and very good in my life. I've done some reflecting and praying, particularly last night. It seemed like God was speaking to me about some stuff. I sat outside for a couple hours, just thinking, praying, and looking up at the stars. I made some decisions personally. Interestingly, the timing seemed perfect, as I heard some news today that just reaffirmed my decisions and thoughts. I felt good about it, on the one hand, and on the other, I have no idea how things will go from here. If some of the realizations I came to are, in fact, true, I don't know what steps to take. I just have to trust God has a plan and that he will present the opportunities and that I will take those opportunities as he provides. Today, I had two glimpses of potential opportunities through conversations. I also had some other conversations with complete strangers that were so encouraging. It felt like I am doing something right in my life, and that I should continue to dream and act on those dreams. So, in a way, I feel hopeful. This has nothing to do with moving. Still, it seems to all have occurred in one weekend. I'm glad I feel hopeful. At the same time, it feels like everything is so out of my reach and I don't know how I will get there.

Change. I suppose it's just part of life.

It seems as soon as one aspect of my life has somewhat settled and gotten into a routine, the rest seems to be heading into change. Once again, I will be moving. The house I live in is going on the market. I just started to feel settled, and then this happens. I absolutely hate moving. The actual moving part. I guess, the change piece I'm a little more ok with, but whenever I move, I have to rely on others for practically everything. And now, this place needs to be ready at all times for potential buyers to see. I don't have a show room place by a long shot. I know I'm not super neat and tidy. And, this week, of all weeks, it's worse than usual. Of course, today was the day the realtor came to have a look while I was away at work. Pretty much, I was asked to pack up most of my stuff and put it somewhere. Agh. This is so frustrating. And I know the only reason the house is being sold is because the people upstairs are moving. I would have liked more notice. I would have liked to know when they knew, or even had the idea they might go sooner than later so I could prepare. Instead, I just finished unpacking all but about 2 boxes. I have a stack of boxes just sitting there right by the door. I don't like moving every year or two. Or, as was the case last year, more than once. I think it was twice within one year. There is a slim chance I could buy the house and do some modifications. At the moment, this would be the ideal situation. At the same time, owning a house costs a lot too. I do like the neighbourhood. Yes, it's not classy. I like the multicultural aspect of it. The aspect that the people here are real people, and not just people holed up behind a garage door that goes up, then goes down, and the neighbours never connect. I like that it's only about 10 minutes from work. I don't much like the fact the garage is not attached, but maybe that's something that can be addressed by having a bit of a covered walkway or something. I don't know. I guess this is all dreaming. I really don't want to go back to living in a highrise. I like living in a house. I suppose I've been spoiled by living here. At the moment, I don't even have a down payment, so it seems rather wishful-thinking to even consider the idea. Or the idea of finding a different place to buy - that seems quite overwhelming right now, but it feels right to consider this house.

Aside from the fact I need to move, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. I have no idea how I'll get my place clean, neat and presentable to the state required for a 'showing' in a matter of a couple days. I have so many other things I need to get done like my taxes and some work for a contract. Next week, I'll also need to write a report for a different contract. That's all on top of working full time. My new position officially starts this week, but my schedule will still be full time for the month of May. I took on new responsibilities at church, and now with the youth pastor stepping down, I have no idea what it will look like to be a youth sponsor and do my other role. How much time will be involved? Thinking about all of this, I wonder how I will have time to take care of myself or to just hang out with friends or to take care of my spiritual well-being. Mind you, even for tonight, I was trying to make plans with people, and others don't have time either or are somehow keeping busy otherwise. This lack of connecting with people is a change for me that I'm not enjoying and I want to change that back but I don't know how. I'm not one for big parties, but I do need personal connection with people and I miss that so much. I really do need to find some balance in life. With everything seemingly being thrown at me, I am struggling to find that balance. I need some balance to deal with everything in a healthy way. Hmm ... a vicious circle?

Maybe this is all hitting me when I'm physically not at my best. Maybe, give it a day or two, and I'll see things differently. I hope so. I hope to have more energy and more drive. I hope to be pain free and feeling like I can make all this work.

Update to last post

I got the job I applied for! I officially start in the role on Monday, but my role isn't really changing. Just the people who are paying me and the fact I will no longer be casual ... at least until the end of the mat leave the position is covering for. I guess we'll see what happens then. I am happy about the idea of having some steady income for a while. It's definitely needed!

It's New Year's Eve

... and I don't know what I'll do tonight. In a way, I feel like just staying home. But I also want to see people I haven't seen in a while. Then again, some of those aren't around anyway or wouldn't go to any party or function. I don't exactly have many options, but I do have a couple. I can go to a potluck / drum circle and I can go to a party that I hear everyone is invited to from church but I actually haven't heard any details about. I know people were called but I guess I was missed. I know it's not a personal thing - getting missed, that is. There is also the possibility that I could get together with one of my friends. To me, that's the most appealing option, but we haven't connected so I don't know if she's even up for it. Right now, I'm thinking I'll go to the potluck (that is, if I can figure out what I'll bring that I can afford to buy - money is still tight at least for another couple weeks). Then, depending on the friend or how I'm feeling energy wise, I may go to the other party. Or maybe I'll just end up coming home. I don't know.

I do want to do my annual review of my goals to see if they still make sense and to see how far I've come with some of them. I'm afraid I didn't really meet any goals last year. But I will have to remind myself and be gracious to myself if I haven't accomplished any goals. It was a tough year in many ways and many things that happened were not expected - good or not so good. In other words, things didn't happen according to any plan. Maybe it's ok to have a year here and there that just don't follow any plan and where I don't accomplish anything that I hoped to. In reality, things happened and I've gotten somewhere. I know that I can feel good about the fact I've worked hard to make things happen. And I can feel good that I focused a lot on building and rebuilding relationships. That's not exactly measurable, but still important. I do know one thing for the next year - I'm going to have to figure out how to balance things a little better so I don't get stressed out. I have a lot going on now - and not in a bad way. I will have to decide what to focus on and what I can let go of. That will take wisdom and an ability to hear God's voice in providing guidance with that. I hope that, in reviewing the year, I don't get discouraged by many of the things that were so difficult. I'm hoping to write a post after I review my past year and comment on the year.

Update

For those of you who don't know, I started working at the PLC this week here in Calgary. I'm working casual hours, but equivalent to a 0.8 FTE on two of the in-patient mental health units. So far, so good. I have the option to apply for a full time position that has come up. If I don't, then most likely I will lose many hours as that full time position is actually for the casual hours I am working now. I guess my struggle is that I've worked pretty hard to get a small business up and going. If I take the full time, then what happens to that? Will there be opportunities when I get back to that? Will I get back to that? Also, will I still be able to do some teaching in the future? Lots of questions that I have to think about seriously. If I don't go for the full time position, I will still be a casual employee. There's nothing wrong with that. The only thing is I won't have a steady income. Right now some of my other works is very slow in coming. Maybe this is the plan for me. And when the time is right to pick up in my business, that will happen too. Or, maybe, while I am working at the hospital, I can do some work on the side to build it up for when the full time position ends - it is only a mat leave position. I'm happy I'm in. I also enjoy the work and it seems like the team is really good. It looks like there will be opportunities to mentor as well as to learn from others. I can see myself enjoying having some consistency in my life for a while - not only with the paycheque, but also in having a routine. I think it will be good to develop and hone my skills in this environment. I will miss the flexibility of working from home on a regular basis and choosing my own schedule. I will miss not being able to do some things I enjoy during the day. Those perks come from working from home. At the same time, working from home is not generating enough income to support myself at the moment.

Update on Employment Situation

Some of you may already know ... I got a job this week! It's a casual position at the Peter Lougheed Centre (hospital) about 10 min from where I live but with regular hours each week for the next while. I expect this to open up more doors and there is a possibility this position I am covering for with the casual hours will become a permanent position. I'll be working in the Mental Health in patient units. From what I can tell, it looks like a good group of people I'll be working with. I had to turn down some teaching for the winter session as it directly conflicted with the hours at PLC. I'm still involved in the program redesign. I'll also be doing a full day workshop / conference on working with inner city populations, the OT Role, and how to advocate in May. Things are definitely looking up financially.

Lists and Upcoming Interview

I can't believe how many little things I have to do lately. I'm coordinating and teaching a course that ends next week. Things don't always end like like we plan, and that's the case this time. I'm trying to set up some site visits, but now one bailed and the other I haven't heard from in a while and I don't know what time they want the students to come. I also have to mark some assignments, with more to come next week.  I have some follow up to do with some contract work - a list of things, actually. I think I'm just not used to it. But I'm also feeling more productive these days when I know I'm getting things done. I can see the checkmarks or the items getting crossed off on my lists.

Along with that, I also have an interview tomorrow morning. Although I'm looking forward to the interview and possibly working at this place, I feel a bit of conflict around it. This one is a full-time position. Yet, I still want to be able to do more teaching, as the school asked if I'd take on another course. And I still want to do the contract work and build up my business. Ideally, I want a 3 day/week position to allow room for the other work.  I don't know if that will be possible. I also don't want to ruin my chances of getting the position by bringing it up. I'm interested in the work involved with this position and I do need income. I'm sitting well below zero and have been for most of the month. My EI runs out in November. I need something soon! Based on my previous experiences in interviews, I also have a concern at the back of my mind that as soon as they see my wheelchair, or if I walk in then my uneven gait, that they will discredit me as a potential employee. This has happened so often and it is very discouraging. So, where I'm at right now, I enter this interview with trepidation. And I need to enter it with confidence. I've met at least one of the interviewers before, and possibly the other two. So hopefully my disability won't be an issue for them. One of them actually encouraged me to apply to work in their program, so that's a positive sign, right?

Productive Busyness

It seems like it's been a long time since I've posted a new entry. Life seems to have gotten busy, but in a good way. With the busyness, I feel like I'm behind in a few things already! But, I have taken time to do something I love as well - taking pictures.

The lens was fogged up, but I like the effect

I've started teaching at SAIT part-time for a 2 month contract. I'm teaching a Mental Health course. It's a lot of work, but I'm enjoying it. I've also started with the veterans work. This past weekend, I had a conference in Edmonton - OT in Psychiatry conference. There were some interesting presentations and I did some networking, so it was worth the trip. Then, I had the youth camp, the kickoff for the year. It was really good! It was nice being out in nature, but also nice to have a warm cabin to stay in when it was colder outside. Saturday night was especially fun, playing Mad Gab and laughing until my cheeks were sore! :D It's been a while since I laughed so much. I felt like I made a good connection with one of the youth, in particular, and got together with her today. As usual, I took lots of pics. I'm also still doing Samba drumming. I went to a workshop the previous weekend to learn some more techniques. It was a great weekend. It was also the same weekend our band was playing at church, so the weekend was really hectic. I was quite exhausted after all that.

Here are some pictures taken at the youth camp.

Newborn kittens, but already they have learned to hiss to protect themselves.

Quick work related update

I just signed a contract today to teach an 8 week course on mental health at SAIT! It starts in September. I have a lot of prep work in the next couple weeks but I'm up for the challenge. It's part-time work so I still need to find more income, but it looks like some of the veteran affairs work is starting to come through. So far, not enough to support me on, but it's definitely a start! And EI can be happy because the majority of the work so far is an employee contract, even though only part time. EI doesn't seem to like the whole self-employed thing. Hopefully I'm not dropped yet. Things definitely seem to be looking up. :)

Feeling Hopeful

Click on the picture to enlarge so you can see the details in the wings!

Since I got back from MB, I feel like my life has taken a turn. A positive turn. I don't know that anything is really different except that I'm feeling more positive and I truly believe that my next opportunity is around the corner. Maybe it was the long drive. Metaphorical, maybe? There's something waiting for me at the end of the long journey. Although in the case of life, the journey never ends. As in a long drive, though, particularly between Manitoba and Alberta, there are long stretches where it seems the road will never end. Then you come across a town. Or you spot something interesting that makes life more exciting. For me, I came across a rest area and took a detailed picture of a dragonfly - where you can see the wing details. I was able to take in the appreciation of such a creature and the amazing detail and creativity of God. It's all the little things in life that make it interesting and bring joy to my life.

My trip also made me realize a few things that probably also contributed to this turn. It's relationships with people that count most on earth. Sharing the little things - whether that be watching a wasp chomp on a piece of meat together and marveling in its strength of actually taking out a chunk of meat and carrying it, or taking pictures of pigs, or laughing, or playing games, or talking with people, hugging, or even crying together.

I also realized that God gave me a passion to work with people who are marginalized, and maybe that's his indication that this is the direction I need to move in.  To focus on.  I went to the Vineyard church in downtown Winnipeg (North End really). I felt comfortable there. This church has people from all walks of life including many people who are homeless, those working the streets, many who are marginalized in one way or another, and all the way to the other spectrum of individuals with significant wealth. It felt like home. And, I knew based on my experience there and a conversation with my friend over lunch that this is really what God has called me to do. To minister, through using my skills, training and experiences, to marginalized individuals. Marginalized can be several things - people who are homeless, people experiencing mental illness, people who are housebound, people who are refugees or new to the country, and pretty much anyone who's on the fringe of society. I also realized I can't focus on being an occupational therapist that is a jack of all trades. I'm already seen as a specialized OT by many people, which is a little frustrating in the job search process, especially when I'm not considered because people don't see the transferability of my skill set to other areas of practice. This doesn't mean I can't do other things related to OT. I do need to make money to pay my bills so I will do other things as I need to, but I want to focus on marginalized populations. 

This seemed to be validated upon my return when I got a client through a program I've been registered with for a while that has a very complex situation. No, he's not homeless to my knowledge, but still, given his situation, he must be experiencing marginalization to some degree.  Then I was contacted by the provincial professional association to put on a full day workshop on working with inner city populations. It's nice to be seen as an expert, but it also holds a certain degree of responsibility. I need to make sure that I am able to convey the messages that are important and teach what I need to teach. Then, I got another email inviting me to apply to teach mental health for OTA students. This, in an indirect way, falls into that category as well - preparing people to work with this population.

So, overall, I'm feeling a new sense of hope and direction. This past year has been a trust journey with God that he will provide. Not getting a job has been tough and very discouraging. I had an interview upon my return that was probably the worst interview I've ever had. But, in ways, it affirmed my passion for marginalized populations. Today, I learned that my EI is good until the end of November. I was beginning to worry about finances as I thought it expired at the end of September or October. I believe something will work out for me in the next couple months that will provide a steady source of income, and if not steady, than enough to set aside some for the slower times. As part of a task force set up at church, we are looking at what it means to be a Christian in our current economic environment. In some of the readings I've been doing, I've already been challenged to see if there are ways I can cut back on my expenses, even more than I'm doing right now. I haven't come to any conclusions yet. Maybe this is all part of the process I need to go through too - to re-evaluate my approach on life and realign it as need be.

Manitoba so far

I'm in Manitoba for a couple weeks. It's been good so far. Although I figured the drive could be done at every big city, I still enjoyed the drive. I took about an hour and a half of breaks and took it easy so my neck / shoulders wouldn't be too sore.  I think the highlight of my drive was stopping at a rest area and going for a camera walk. The smell of the flowers were amazing - it smelled like clover honey! I took a picture of the bathrooms because I thought the buildings looked interesting and really out of place, but then realized they were the bathrooms. Haha. I got a great picture of a dragon fly, but I'll have to wait to post it until I'm back home where I can upload my pictures. I'm not using my own computer for online work here.

I spent my first few days with my family. I've played a lot of the Pigs game - where you throw 2 little rubber pigs like dice and get points for how they land. I also took my nieces and nephews to the Steinbach parade. It was actually a lot of fun although originally I had no desire to go to the parade itself. But, the time with my nieces and nephews is what counts and if that's what they want to do, I'll do it with them. I saw the forecast and I realized there was very little chance the rain would stop, so I prayed that despite the dismal forecast and the unlikelihood that the rain would stop, that it would stop in time for the parade. I didn't think the kids would have a lot of fun sitting in the rain and as much as I love rain, I wouldn't either. And, it stopped just before we needed to leave!

On Friday, I went to see the movie 'Inception'. It's a great movie and it was good to see my friend. On Saturday, I went up to Gimli with my old Life Group. There were some not-so-nice glitches to the beginning of our trip, but the day was great overall! In Gimli, just after I got out of the car, I looked up to see a couple from my church in Calgary who had just moved out here. It was great to see them and quite an unexpected surprise. The day turned out great! The weather was hot - over 30 degrees, muggy, and perfect weather to get into the cold water. I got a little sun burned, but not too bad. We didn't actually spend time together as the big group in Gimli itself. I was with the couple who I drove up with and another friend - the one I went to the movie with. Later, most of the group went up to Integrity Foods near Riverton for wood-fired pizza and a time of relaxing and connecting. If you ever get a chance to go to this place, I highly recommend it! This pizza is awesome and so is this iced mint tea (this time with red clover). I had the Mediterranean pizza. It was good, but next time I don't think I'll hold the olives. I generally don't like olives, but I remember the flavour they give this pizza and this flavour was missing. I tried the bison and mad garlic one and the Southwest pizza as well - both also great choices. It's pretty close to Hecla Island, and for those who like to be on the farm, there are a bunch of farm animals around. Interestingly, my aunt and many of her family were also there so I talked with them a bit.  On the way back to Winnipeg, and then on to my parents, there was an amazing lights show in the distance. Beautiful oranges, beautiful lightening strikes and also beautiful glows across the sky. I stopped to take some pictures, then realized I left my camera together with my ID and other important pieces in Winnipeg. I also realized I left my stick (cane) at the farm. Argh. I guess that means a trip into Winnipeg today just to get it as I need these things and tomorrow won't work. I won't get the cane back, though, until later this week. Hopefully I can arrange to see some friends to make the trips into Winnipeg worthwhile.

Oh, and in other great news, I have a referral! I thought for sure I'd lose the referral because I'm away for a couple weeks, but in the end, they needed to delay a couple weeks because one of the team members is away on holidays as well. This will be a complex case and a good challenge. Hopefully this referral will work out and not fall through. And, hopefully I will get some more referrals and business in the next month. I'm starting to get concerned about my finances.

For now, I'm looking forward to this next week. It will most likely have some very stressful moments, but I still think it will be a good week.

Good piece of news

So, last week, I had a bit of a potential medical scare. I had gotten some routine bloodwork done and the day after I got it done, I had a message to call the doctor's office because the doctor wanted to see me as soon as possible to discuss the results. That's never a good message.  I was scared, so I didn't call back until today.  When I called, I got an appointment within an hour, which increased my fear somewhat. Although, in the meantime, I did some research and looked up all the things that were checked off on the requisition - yes, I'm a geek and wrote it all down beforehand with the intent to research each one.  So, after doing the research, I wasn't as concerned. I figured that whatever it might be would probably be something that could be treated.  Anyway, I went to see the doctor and there was a slightly - and she emphasized slightly - elevated level for one of the things but she wasn't worried. She figured that number could fluctuate a bit with diet and she didn't see it as being a problem particularly as it was only one out of a number and with the one that it was, I'm guessing (based on my research) that several of them would have been off if there was a problem.  Anyway, she just let me know because it was her responsibility to tell me, even though it was only a slight difference in number. For me, this reassures me this new doctor is thorough.  She also went over the bone density results. Considering I went off the medication for my bones for close to a year, I was certain that number would have gotten worse, but the results were very positive! And I quote,  there was a "significant increase in bone density in the lumbar region"! I've done some things in my life that may have contributed to that increase, namely I started working out in a gym and doing some resistance type of exercises. This report has encouraged me to keep up with the exercise and try to increase the amount I do in a week.  Maybe one more day in a week. I always feel good after a workout. I guess it's often a time factor.  But, if it's making a difference in my health overall .... I should really prioritize this.

Remotivation by Unfortunate Circumstance

It's been a rough week. My car has needed some significant repairs - two times in one week! One, I knew about and scheduled the appointment, and the other was a freak thing which lead to some other repairs.  The total of both bills will come to just under $3000! Ouch! Time for a new car???  The only thing is, I don't have work so I can't take on payments. And, buying second hand doesn't really make sense either as repairs will be needed soon on that too. On Saturday, I was at some friends' place and when I was leaving, I heard this awful metal cracking sound.  I was hoping I had driven over something, but really knew it was my car.  I turned the wheel back to straight ahead and I saw the left front end drop.  The coil in the suspension system snapped.  From what I can tell in talking to the mechanic, as well as my dad and another friend who knows a bit about cars, this type of thing is a freak accident.  Nevertheless, the front end needs serious repairs. I am so thankful, though, that I was in a parking spot when it happened and not on Deerfoot or another major road.  Also, I'm thankful it didn't happen on my way to Canmore, as I had plans to go to Canmore for the day on Sunday. That could have been disastrous. So, in a way, somehow, I'm handling this new setback without a lot of emotion.  It feels like when my car was broken into again, and yet again. It's like, 'Oh, yeah, it happened again'. It, in this case, being yet another car repair. When my car kept on getting broken into, I started to almost find it amusing. At first it was like a violation to me.  Then it was just, 'oh ok', and now we move on. I'm still concerned about the financial part of it - that I'm burning through money really quickly. Money that ends up becoming debt. But, strangely, I don't feel worried. It's out of my hands. More on that later.

Last week, I was a bit of a mess - the unexpected amount I had to pay for the repairs, not even being considered for a job I went to an interview for just because I can't lift / transfer people, realizing again that I'm really an outsider in a group I was beginning to feel I was a part of, and other small things. It just hit me and I felt really discouraged.  The not being even considered for a job where, during the interview, they indicated pretty much everyone who applies gets in because it's just a list was what hit me hardest and the other things just added to it. They actually called me and told me the reason they couldn't consider me. I felt like, "why am I even trying?" I keep on applying for jobs.  Jobs in the unofficial OT world where I know I've got all the required qualifications and skills, I'm not even getting calls for interviews. I am getting calls for OT jobs now, but as soon as they learn I can't lift / transfer people, they go with someone else instead of problem solving. So frustrating! So discouraging! But, it also seems to reinforce the fact I need to work on getting my business going.  If it's my business, I can control that a little better.  Or, at least, in that case, I'm marketing my abilities and strengths and connecting to places where I feel my skills are a good match for their needs.

So, after hitting that huge wall of discouragement, I was surprised on Saturday when I really didn't have emotion about the car breaking down.  I knew it would be a big job.  A loud metal cracking sound can't be good.  And, seeing my car drop like that, and then look at it from the outside and seeing the fender almost touching the wheel... I guess, strangely, I think my thoughts were, "this is out of my hands. I can't do anything about this.  I know I can't drive it.  So, whatever happens happens".  I was at my friends' place and their little girl was eager to sit beside me on the grass to watch the tow truck girl get all set up and tow the car.  The fact it was a tow truck girl instead of a tow truck guy totally inspired me for some odd reason. She knew her stuff and it didn't matter whether she was a guy or a girl.  In some ways, I thought she was friendlier than other tow truck drivers I've met.  She took the time to show me what broke. Of course, she had to add the caveat that she can't diagnose, etc. The little girl eagerly coming to sit with me was cute and special. So, there were little things that I could pull out of the day that was kind of neat. The next day, her parents asked me to be her godmother. She is getting baptized in fall and when they asked her who she wants to have as her godparent, she right away said, "Patti". I thought that was cool and also kind of cute. I also was able to spend some time this weekend with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, so that was also good.

Strangely, though, the huge expenses incurred from the past week, and the rejections experienced last week has sort of remotivated me to do something.  I don't think I can go too much lower. I need to take some serious action to do something. I will run out of money very soon if nothing happens very soon! Just looking for jobs has not been successful in the least. Yes, I've gotten interviews. So, I guess that's been a success, but it's also been a real source of discouragement. Maybe it's a bit of a dusting off from the pitfalls and trying to get back on track. This morning, I've been busy.  I called in to the scheduled group conference call for the Veteran Affairs work.  Turns out I found out one of the reasons I haven't gotten any referrals is that they had the wrong phone number on file, the other (which I knew) is that the program has been really slow in getting going here.  I checked into the contact information issue later, and there had been a data entry error which is now resolved.  Who would have thought that would be the reason for not getting referrals? They looked at my paperwork and confirmed a data entry on their part.  They had apparently tried to give me a referral which is how I learned about this.  Apparently the number on file was disconnected.  I am now working on getting approved for general OT work with the federal agencies. It looks like there shouldn't be any difficulty to get approved as I have already been approved to be a service provider in another capacity. I sent in the registration form this morning. I also have to prepare a document to send to the registrar regarding providing music lessons to people with disabilities.  I feel like I have some very concrete steps to do and that maybe there will be some potential for income. I have also been set up with a mentor in getting my business going. I will still need to look for jobs and will continue to do so.  But, more and more, I am feeling that getting the business going will be my best option for employment as the rehabilitation world is just not ready for people who have disabilities to be part of the service provider team.

I will have to work on building a thicker skin to not take rejection personally when I do try to get contracts and clients, as rejection is part of the process. At the same time, I can reframe that so I know it's not about me.  It's about the client not being a good fit with the services at this time. I also know that I need to work on confidence in approaching people. Maybe this is the next step in my life journey - this process may actually boost my confidence several notches. I'm not the most unconfident person out there, but I know I definitely have room to grow. I need to really believe in myself, my abilities, and what I have to offer.  And then, show it! Hopefully the mentor will be able to help me in this.