Emotionally charged does not equal a sum in the negative

This week has been an emotionally charged week.

It started with a difficult conversation with a friend who had hurt me in the past and wanted to apologize to me. You know, although I felt the hurt in the past, I wrote it off as my friend going through something so that it hurt less. Hearing the apology and the fact my friend wished that the clock could be turned back and things could have been done differently affected me a lot surprisingly. I was able to truly acknowledge that hurt, process it, and forgive the actions that were knowingly done. A few days later, a friend asked to go for coffee with me to correct me on my actions. That conversation was also difficult because yes, I do this sometimes. I also know it's situationally dependent and possibly person dependent which begs the question why. I don't know the answer to that question. Anyway, I suppose I need to reflect and see when / if I do this in the future and try to change my ways. I just wish I knew years ago because not talking about it for years and letting it build up - that's not healthy either. Letting things sit and brew without saying anything just fuels the irritation. And I know we all do things that are annoying. I had a difficult conversation with another friend - one from the cohousing project. I had to let her know I'm pulling out - at least for now. She's been so nice and encouraging. I just can't see how I can afford a down payment and when my professional opinion is taken more as my personal opinion because I do have a disability and I get snarky comments that are personal, I just don't desire to give my input. It is too draining. So it was a week of difficult conversations.

At work, the transition that we're experiencing has not been as smooth as desired. It's been frustrating and is not helping with the overall atmosphere and morale of the department. There is a lot of negativity. I want to make the best of it, but I still don't understand the need for such an overhaul when things finally had settled and a good routine was developed. I wish for a pleasant, easy going atmosphere. I will do what I can to make this transition as pleasant an experience as possible. There are aspects of this change that I think can be good. But I will definitely miss working with the complex cases and having the opportunity to learn about what's going on in community mental health and the various agencies that work with individuals who have complex issues as my passion is working with individuals who have complex issues.

Then, on the flip side, I've been offered an opportunity that I really do need to consider. I have been offered an apartment where my rent would be $130 less a month and there are amenities (pool, hot tub, sauna, exercise room, games room) included that are much better than where I'm at now (none of the above). The location is safer. The place is beautiful and professional looking. There are front loading laundry machines in the suite. There is lots of light. There is a den that is as big as my current office if not bigger so I could possibly even get a roommate in the second bedroom to help with the rent. Or get an international student to get a new experience. The cons are potentially with the parking - there is a path right in front of the apartment. Initially I was told I could park there, but now it looks like it might be a fire lane. The other parking spot is underground but there are some stairs - a relatively short flight of stairs (maybe 10) and then another 3. I can do stairs on most days. But if that's my only opportunity for parking, this is not going to work for me. The two other down sides are the very fact of moving - I HATE moving - and the increased driving time and distance to work and church. It would add at least 15-20 minutes each way. Oh, and the other huge con - the fee to break my lease here which at the most could be $2035. There may be a way to reduce that. I doubt I can consider the move if the fee is still over $2000. If this move happens, it will be quick. This decision is weighing heavily on my mind as it will mean a lot of change. At the same time, maybe starting fresh is a good thing.

Another opportunity that seems to be arising - an opportunity to do the kind of ministry and work I've dreamed of doing. Except it's not in Calgary. And it wouldn't be for another year or more. We'll see if it happens. But I've had some conversations this week where I was asked to consider starting something up. It was so neat to see this friend have the same vision as me. And the same realization as me that Calgary has a lot of services already - it's saturated.

I also was invited to a wedding in White Rock, BC next month. It would be so fun to take this trip and stay for a few days in a cabin near the water. A few of my friends are going so I do hope I can go and that I can be part of a car pool.

We had quite an intense youth night on Friday as well. We were talking about self worth. We had some good discussion and the girls opened up quite a bit. Later on, a few of the girls shared some quite personal struggles. It was a blessing they felt comfortable enough to share. At the same time, more than ever, I see that it takes a lot of wisdom to journey with these girls. I truly hope God provides this wisdom so that we can be there in the most meaningful ways.

It seemed neat how all these things came together this week. They are all quite unrelated, but the housing opportunity seemed to come following my realization the current cohousing project is just not for me - at least not now. The friends situations felt like there was growth in those relationships, although I feel slightly clueless as to what the best way to grow in these friendships is. The possible ministry opportunity was neat in that it is exactly what I've been thinking I'd love to do. I will expand on it more if the discussions continue and develop into something. I don't want to post more on that at this time - but you can ask me personally if you wish. With that, I want to say, emotionally charged does not equal a sum in the negative.