Mother's Day

Just a note - this entry will likely ebb and flow - hopefully it connects somehow for you.

Mother's Day is sometimes hard for me. I live far from my mother and I have no 'surrogate mothers' here in Calgary. I also am single, am not a mother, and don't know if I'll ever be. I long for a young child to put his or her arms around me and say "I love you mommy" but the older I get, the less likely that possibility seems to be. Also, I don't know whether my body could handle pregnancy and giving birth so it may not be an option for me anyway. And these days, adoption is so very expensive. I know others who have been denied adoption for various reasons, and my physical limitations could well be a factor against me.

Within Christian communities, it is so hard being single. Families are glorified. Singles fade into the background. Being single and also not a mother creates even more divides. Mothers talk about their children, and so often, young mothers in particular just do not know how to talk about anything else (or so my experience has been). My life seems to have no relevance to theirs. I love their children. Love that they come to hug me, or to say hi to me. The conversations with the mothers often seem so stilted and that is frustrating for me. In my own family, I don't feel that way. My nieces and nephews love me and I love them. They seem to look forward to seeing me and spending time with me. I am thankful for that.

I believe mothers should be honoured. I also wonder how such a day as Mother's Day affects those who have lost their children, have lost their mother, or have never had the opportunity to be a mother? I think most of us have a maternal instinct in us - whether that is towards our own children, for others' children, or a mentoring or mothering instinct in general. So I approach mother's day with mixed feelings. I want to honour the mothers that are part of my life. I also feel for those who hurt on mother's day - whether that be from experiencing losses, having strained relationships that are highlighted on such a day, or those who long for having a child of their own. Also, I relate to the awkwardness that is Mother's Day - the questions about when someone will become a mother, or the awkward parts in a church service where all the moms are asked to stand up and are honoured with a flower while all the non-moms (whether that be moms who have lost a child, or those who want children, or a myriad of other situations), or being in a situation where your mom is far across the country and you have no mom to spend the day with, or where you've lost your own mother. It is just a messy day for so many people. Again, that is not to say mothers should not be honoured!

I am a mother in my own ways. I am a god-mother to a beautiful girl. I have nieces and nephews who are a big part of my life, even though there is geographical distance in between. Children at church love to come say hi and my friends' kids also seem to connect well with me. And maybe someone out there sees me as a mentor or sorts.

Here is a blessing I came across on another blog, quoted from http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120,  that really touched me today. Hopefully one of my readers will also be blessed as you read. This blessing is something I wish all pastors would read in church on Mother's Day and that others would also read - this is not just about church. It acknowledges the spectrum of mothering.

To those who gave birth to their first child - we celebrate with you.
To those who lost a child this year - we mourn with you.
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains - we appreciate you.
To those who experience loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away - we mourn with you.
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears and disappointment - we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don't mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms - we need you.
To those who have warm and close relationships with children - we celebrate with you.
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance from your children - we sit with you.
To those who lost their mothers this year - we grieve with you.
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother - we acknowledge your own experience.
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood - we are better for having you in our midst.
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.
To those who step-parent - we walk with you on those complex paths.
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren - yet that dream was not meant to be, we grieve with you.
To those who will have emptier nests in the coming year - we grieve and rejoice with you.
To those who placed children up for adoption - we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart.
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising - we anticipate with you.
This Mother's Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
- See more at: http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120#sthash.6BNV0uLu.dpuf

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
- See more at: http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120#sthash.6BNV0uLu.dpuf

Bono link on the difference between grace and karma

In my last post, I shared the lyrics of one of the U2 songs that I love - Grace. A line in the song says "She [Grace] travels outside of karma" and I love that line. Karma says you get what you give. Grace is not logical. It is not based on what you did or didn't do. Grace is love. A quote from a blog I came across today on the difference between grace and karma provides a good description of the difference:

And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that “As you reap, so will you sow” stuff.  Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions...

So, have a read through of this blog entry of an excerpt from the book Bono on Bono: conversations with Michka Assayas, 2005 (Hodder), Chapter 11.

Visit the blog entry at: http://resistanceandrenewal.net/2014/01/26/bono-on-the-difference-between-grace-and-karma/.

Acceptance and Grace

Acceptance and grace ... 2 words I feel God has placed on my heart as a theme for the 2014 year. At first I thought it odd. Then I realized how closely connected these 2 words are. I desire to be a woman of grace. To be a woman of grace, I need to be at peace - with myself and others. I need to accept what I cannot change and have wisdom to make the changes I can and need to. There is so much more to the concept of grace and I'm still learning!

I see that

when I can fully accept myself - my situation, my limitations, my strengths, my desires, my interests, my passions, all of me ... and when I can be gracious with myself ...

And

when I can fully accept others in my life - those who to me feel very judgmental (that is something that really irks me), or those who have hurt me or used me in one way or another, or those who will enter my life or are new to my life - and show grace to them  ...

Then I can truly live at peace.

And I can only get to this point by the grace of God.

I don't see accepting and being full of grace towards others as being as hard as it is to accept me fully - for who I am and all that I am - and being gracious with myself. Then again, in many ways, I hope I don't have to learn this the hard way! For others, I usually forgive quickly. As I am relationally focused, I want to make things right between me and other people so those kinds of things don't usually hang around long. My current struggles are mostly around acknowledging that I have physical limitations that are more so than in the past. I can't go as full-on as I've gone in the past. And believe me, I've been known to be very busy doing all sorts of things. I don't know why now is the time when I am noticing I need to slow down. It is frustrating. I'm mostly ok with my situation. But there are days when I really struggle. I want to do so much more than my body seems to allow me to before it konks out. I'm finding I need to rely on others more than ever. And I most definitely do not want others to see me as 'needy' or 'using' them when I do have needs - whether that is companionship, physical help, or other needs and desires. Sure, I struggle at times with my appearance, but somehow, overall, I'm ok with it. I do what I can to be healthy and to look my best, and I know that others can accept that or not and it's their choice. I've been told I'm Ugly. Fat. Crippled. Look funny. And many ugly words. I have to remember they're just words and the people saying these things are going through their own issues. If they don't accept my appearance or if they discriminate based on my appearance, that's on them. All I can do is accept me for who I am. All of me. And that will still require me to lean on God and allow his grace to wash over me.

That grace, I've noticed, comes in many forms. People in my life. Little things that make me smile. Nature's beauty as a wonderful balm. Conversations I have where I see that God is using me in others' lives - because I am who I am - in my full glory. :) [said with some jest, but also in sincerity as I do believe that as a Christian, I reflect God's glory]. I am continually surprised and feel blessed when others come to talk to me because they see me as someone who listens. Who has good advice when needed, or is just willing to listen or, if they'd like, to pray with them. I see so many wonderful opportunities to connect with others - and sometimes I think these opportunities come BECAUSE I need some help and someone has stepped up. We end up having such wonderful conversations.

So, in my year of exploring what it means to fully accept myself and be gracious to myself and in my exploration of what it means to fully accept, love, and be gracious to others, I am filled with excitement. I think this year will hold many wonderful - and probably some not-so-wonderful experiences. I look forward to studying God's word, reading books that teach me about these topics (and as a side note - so often I end up picking up a book that brings out the themes that I am experiencing without even realizing it), and learning about grace and acceptance in my relationships. I think I will come out on the other end more at peace. And maybe, I will even exude some of what the lyrics in the U2 song 'Grace' talk about (see below).

The only verse I'm not so sure about is the first one (I'm not sure what that verse means and from how I'm reading it, I'm not sure it's a healthy way of looking at things). Unless 'Grace' is viewed as God and the sacrifice of Jesus. Then it makes sense to me. The video link is below as well.

Grace (by U2)

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips
She carries a pearl
In perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

Quiet Leader

Today, as I was spending quiet time with God, I came to a realization. I am a quiet leader. I'm rarely ever the 'leader', and I'm ok with that. I don't really like the attention of being 'the leader'. Yet, somehow, it seems people often come to me for guidance or to get things done. For example, at work, I'm not the boss. I do know that I influence the boss a lot. I have a good relationship with her. The team knows that. Frequently, team members come to me to talk about what's going on - to see if I know what really is going on, or to see whether I'd have some influence to change things. In other areas of my life, too, I see people come to me in a quasi leader role - as someone they see having wisdom. Often people want me to tell them what to do. I generally ask questions instead, to get them thinking about what they want to do, or why they might want to do something. I'm sure this is frustrating. Yet, they still come back. :) Today, I was thinking about my roles in life. I realized there is a responsibility in being the 'quiet leader'. You see, because I'm not the person who officially has any influence, but I still seem to have influence, there almost seems to be more power there because it's hidden. The responsibility of this hit me today. I realized that my attitude at work and elsewhere significantly impacts the environment. This is not a new revelation - I knew before that my attitude and actions impact the environment, but I reflected on this week where I had a bad attitude about some things, and realized that I noticed some things change negatively. Then, the next day, I chose to change how I responded to the very same thing that gave me a bad attitude the day before, and the environment changed for the day. I have the power to choose to be positive. I also need wisdom in knowing what to say and how to respond when negative things happen at work.  I know it's not all me... believe me. I know everyone contributes positively and negatively. I also believe God can use me. He has the power to change things for the better. I need wisdom to pick my battles wherever I am. I need wisdom to know how to effectively fight for what I should fight for - to advocate for what needs to be advocated for. And grace to do so with respect, authority, and love. I also need wisdom and grace to let things roll off me when it's not something I should let bother me and when the fight is not worth it. I need wisdom to know what to do to facilitate a positive environment around me in general and how to help facilitate positive relationships around me. I need to make sure that I am following God's lead - that I am abiding in him to discern how to respond appropriately in all areas of my life and what I can realistically be involved in. I need to discern what is better left for someone else to do and what I should do. And then be at peace with that.

In God's Image

Today, a discussion at church brought me back to a passage in the Bible that I have often read and that I believe garners more study. The Creation story. But not for the purpose of discussing creation vs. evolution because, quite frankly, I am tired of those discussions. For me, there are many interesting things that come out of the first 2 chapters of the Bible. Today I want to explore one concept, a concept that became real in my mind through the discussion - as though I hadn't really heard these verses before. I want to focus on Genesis 1:26-27, and specifically verse 27, which reads (in the NIV),

27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

Literally, in the way we define literal in today's society, this means that we are all made in the image of God. Literally, this means we should all look alike. Literally, since we have people in this world who look so different from each other, some would be made in greater likeness to God than others. Literally, this could mean that I, as an individual with a disability, would not be made in as much likeness to God as someone without any physical imperfections. Or, conversely, that individuals with physical, mental, cognitive, or other differences, are in actuality more in likeness to God. I really don't think this is what is meant by this verse. I do not believe that I am made with any less likeness, or more likeness for that matter, to God. The Message phrases this verse as follows:

God created human beings; he created them godlike, Reflecting God's nature. He created them male and female.

I've met so many people in my life who are non-verbal, or who have have a lower intellectual quotient, or who have physical limitations, or who have mental illness. I have seen God reflected in them. Sometimes, I see God's nature reflected in them more than I do in people who are 'normal'. That tells me something. It tells me that something inside of us, our inner spirit if you will, is made in God's likeness. Genesis 2:5-7 reads (the Message):

5-7 At the time God made Earth and Heaven, before any grasses or shrubs had sprouted from the ground—God hadn't yet sent rain on Earth, nor was there anyone around to work the ground (the whole Earth was watered by underground springs)—God formed Man out of dirt from the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life. The Man came alive—a living soul!

Did you catch that? God blew into his nostrils the breath of life! The Man came alive - a living soul! There are many passages in the Bible referring to 'the breath of life' in reference to the Spirit. So I wonder if "in the image of God" refers to his Spirit, the breath of life, in us. When his Spirit is present, we will be reflecting God's nature. We will truly be reflecting that image, as if we're a mirror image of what is happening on the inside.

What do you think?

Hope and a New Year

I just got back from my annual trip back to Manitoba for Christmas. I drove this year. Driving is a good time for me to converse with God and to listen. Afterall, what else is there to do while driving. Well, other than listen to music and take pictures. Oops ... did I say that? Actually, I didn't take any pics this year while driving. Anyway, back to my point, God often speaks to me through music too, so that's as good a time to listen as any. My last entry indicates a little of the struggle I've been having lately. During my drive out, and throughout my trip, the theme 'hope' seemed to come up. That this year is a year of hope. From songs that talked about hope and really resonating with me, to lyrics that suggest being thankful in that moment is a factor leading to hope, to a sense that things are going to change over the next while and a sense of excitement about what that could mean, to just having a really good trip and a lot of good relationship building. Actually, prior to my trip, I sensed God breathing the word 'hope' into me. Metaphorically, of course. But, whenever I was praying, this word came to mind. It was neat that a series of things all seemed to resonate with that. I experienced things that seemed to revive me. I 'skated' at the Forks - fast, too, while my sister was skating and pushing me. I felt good about my interactions with my family. I spent time with people who mean a lot to me while I was in Winnipeg. I had an awesome New Years.

In the end, though, I had a very hard time leaving this time around. I really did not want to go back to Calgary. I long for a sense of community. Calgary just doesn't feel like community. I don't know my neighbours. I know their dogs better than the people - and that's pretty sad. The whole motivation for so many people is 'how much money can I make' and 'oh, no, I can't afford to live so I must make more'. So it becomes a rat race with few personal connections. I'm not saying I don't have personal connections here - I do have some good friends. Just, overall, there isn't a sense of community. I felt community while in Manitoba this year. I felt loved, accepted. And I felt like I was contributing to the lives of people in my interactions. I still don't feel like anything is tying me to Calgary, other than the fact I work here and have some things I enjoy doing. I feel that can be built elsewhere too. So, I'm not saying I'm going anywhere. But I also feel free to go wherever God has a plan for me. And part of that brings excitement. That God has great plans for my life!

Work wise, I would love to work with communities where people are experiencing poverty. Maybe working in an orphanage. Or, working with people living on the streets or at risk of being homeless, or families who are down and out. Or maybe a community program somewhere, or developing a new program somehow. Something out of the box, of course! :) I'm not hurrying to do something different but this kind of thing is what I want to get back to at some point. And, honestly, Calgary is not really where there is a lot of any of the real poverty. Yes, there's homelessness and some significant social justice issues. But there are so many resources for them - just not OT. So who knows?! The world's my oyster! But God will need to orchestrate everything!

So this year, I didn't really make new resolutions. The things I wrote down are things I'm doing already or have done and want to continue. However, I did make a goal of taking at least one trip that is not to Manitoba - to go somewhere new. The rest of my 'resolution' is to live as much as possible within my values. This includes making decisions that reflect my values.

Article - Harm reduction is God's grace

Harm reduction is God's grace

Please read the linked article (Harm reduction is God's grace) to understand what this post is about, as I've referred to the article as a basis to this post.

This article is about harm reduction and the connection with Christian faith. I've thought about this concept a lot since I began my training to become an Occupational Therapist, and also once I began practising. I have had co-workers outright threaten me when I've advocated for harm reduction, and I've also experienced shared views from co-workers in advocating to use a harm reduction approach. It is a controversial topic - one that I'm sure will continue to be a topic to be wrestled through. There is a time and place for this approach, and there are times when I would not advocate for this approach. However, I agree with the view shared in the article that there are times when harm reduction is living out God's grace. That where some people are at, this is the best approach to minimize damage and to still walk alongside them and care for them. I don't think I really thought through how this approach fits with my faith until I read this article but there were situations where this just seemed right. I didn't think through exactly how it fit with my faith, but in the back of my mind, I knew it did. When I read the article, I couldn't have put it in better words.

"As Christians we believe that God loves us no matter what and he sticks with us. We're told this through the story of Israel in the Bible of people who mess up and God stays with them. We're a continuation of that story."

"Harm reduction is a Christian way of living among people with addictions. Christians have often not understood harm reduction in that way. They've understood it as sin being encouraged."

For more information on Harm Reduction, follow the links below:

Harm Reduction Fact Sheets

Principles of Harm Reduction

Also, just to note, not only is harm reduction used for drug and alcohol related situations, but it is also used for potentially harmful lifestyles (e.g. providing condoms to sex trade workers).

Learning How to Be Alone - an important spiritual discipline

It's so important to learn how to be alone and to appreciate silence. I like the underlying message of this video - that there are many ways to practise being alone. To enjoy it. That being alone can be acceptable. For me, I started enjoying being alone in Australia. At least, that's where I first remember enjoying being alone. I enjoyed exploring a new city, going to a new coffee shop, going along on my scooter at a walking pace instead of the hurried frenzy of driving through traffic in a car, and just being. Enjoying that here and now. Enjoying those moments by myself and the adventure of seeing things as if for the first time (although some of it definitely was the first time). Whether that was amongst other people or truly by myself, I was still alone. Not in the lonely sense of alone. I learned to enjoy being alone.

I learned how to appreciate the little things in life. I learned how to be there, in that moment, in conversations, and ended up enjoying conversations and that curiosity that comes with really wanting to hear what the other has to say. I learned how to notice the little things in life. How to take life's pace down to a walk instead of race. I learned to enjoy sipping coffee or tea or trying a new food, just for the enjoyment of the flavour and the experience. I learned how to observe. I relearned how to play for the sheer enjoyment of it by playing with a huge bubble wand in a marketplace, surrounded by people yet it was as though I was all alone experiencing joy. My time in Australia was one of huge spiritual growth. Why? Because I learned how to be alone and enjoy it.

And now, I enjoy sitting outside at night, just watching the stars. Or going out for a walk with my scooter. Or sitting in my car, sometimes even with no music and being left to my own thoughts or observations. I enjoy sitting in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon, possibly reading the paper or a book. I enjoy just observing what's going on around me. Taking it all in, but not focusing on anything in particular. I enjoy listening to music at home. I enjoy reading and journaling. I enjoy making music. I enjoy going to a park. I enjoy going for a drive. I enjoy being with other people, engaging in conversations and really being there.

Being alone allows me to worship and spend time with God. It allows me to worship by enjoying nature around me. Or enjoying the little things in life, perhaps by capturing it through a lens. Again - being present in that moment to whatever is going on.

As a side shoot - maybe even my work allows me to worship. I have to live in the moment for my work. There's no way I could facilitate some of the groups I do without really, truly being present. Not distracted by other thoughts. Just being there. Maybe that's part of worship - to really be present. And through that - when in conversation or dialogue, or even in listening to dialogue, appreciating it for what it is and injecting comments here and there as appropriate to facilitate that dialogue.

So then, what is worship? A friend once described it as a way of life. Maybe it's more about being worshipful. A state of being. Many of us think singing is worship - and that alone is worship. I disagree, although it can definitely be part of being worshipful. To me, it really is about a way of life. Being there in that moment with my whole self. Connecting with people. With God. Being ok with being alone, because it allows me to really be present. Sometimes to feel - even the not-so-good feelings. Or to take note of those little things in life that easily go unnoticed and thanking the Creator. To me, making music is part of worship. Reading is part of worship - not only writings such as the Bible or theological books, but also other things that make me think and reflect on my own life and lead to personal evaluation. Or reading funny things because laughter is a gift. Or writing an article or an essay. Using the gifts we are blessed with. For me, being in nature is also a very important way I connect with God. Each of these can be a way to connect with God. To me, worship, or rather, being worshipful, is engaging with life, being in the moment, living an attitude of praise and thanksgiving, and connecting with God with my whole self.

Bringing it back to 'being alone', maybe we should make a practice of taking time to be alone. We can worship when we are with other people or when we are in a church setting. We can also worship wherever we are. I think that without learning how to be alone, we miss out on a very powerful way of worshiping - of connecting with God in a way that is so personalized.

Orchestrating the Composition of Life

Something I've realized, or that's been emphasized over an over recently - a key theme in my life is that God Orchestrates my life! It's been encouraging to look back and see how God has orchestrated in my life. Sometimes those apparently not-so-good things actually lead to a pretty beautiful outcome! Speaking in music terms, when things don't seem to be going well, maybe those are the times when the chords in life are minor, or diminished, or sustained. Those chords eventually resolve into a major chord. These chords add to the composition of life, making it beautiful and interesting. I do believe that 2010 was more of the unresolved piece of the composition and that 2011 could be the more peaceful or the more jubilant sections of the composition.

2010 was a long, difficult year and I can only hope for a better year in 2011. As one of my friends wished me, "May 2011 be the year of connection and contentment for you". I have felt quite disconnected, lonely, frustrated and discouraged this year and have had a sense of lack of direction. Like nothing is moving anywhere fast.

At the same time, many people have encouraged me and been there for me. I've seen my church take care of me when I needed it most. I've also been connected with some pretty amazing people who have provided support and helped me process through stuff to help me get my business going. It's been a year of trusting and scraping the barrel ... but in every situation, God provided! Most often, at the last minute. Which is where trusting and believing comes in, a clear theme for the year 2010.  This is also part of how my life is being orchestrated. Timing is everything! And knowing that, believing that, has allowed me to relax even when things were tight.

Music has become a big part of my life this year and I really hope it continues. It's been good getting more involved with music, including the start of "Lazarus", getting involved in Samba, and playing / performing with one of my friends both in a small church and in open jams. I've gotten to know more people through this too, which has been really good.

This year, I've had some spiritual revelations as well. God is Creator - he's creative! And we're made in his image. We all need to exercise creativity and appreciate His creativity! I'm all about that! :D God also desires to fulfill our desires. Yes, in fact, it's good to dream. He has given us many of the desires we have. I do need to remember to be content in whatever situation I'm in, though - whether that is being single, living in Calgary or elsewhere, being unemployed (but still trying to do something about that), or whatever the situation might be.

I do look forward to what God has in store for me. I feel like I have a lot going on so I hope I find a way to have good balance and prioritize well. I continue to desire to feel connected and have deep personal relationships. I also look forward, with a little bit of fear (due to uncertainty), to where my career will go. I've started a business but it takes a long time to build up. I started a job but it is also casual at this point and I don't know if I will have steady income beyond this month. I can see how it fits well with long term dreams and passions. I'm thankful, though, for what I have. I realize I have a deep passion to work with people who are marginalized or who have mental health issues (or both) and I have a passion to teach.

A thought I have focused on lately is the importance of encouraging and building people up. Too often, it is easy to cut others down or criticize them. I want to make a real effort to stop myself from criticizing and make a habit of building others up instead.

So, for 2011, I look forward to the musical composition of my life unfolding. I'm sure there will some interesting notes and chords that, upon first hearing them, won't sound good. Some dissonance that doesn't seem to fit, but when mixed in with the rest of the song, will sound beautiful. I expect there will be jubilant and vibrant parts and maybe some peaceful parts. I'm hoping for a least some steady rhythms for a while. Maybe a few skipped beats of joy. :)

interesting encounter or God Encounter?

I don't really think this encounter would have happened had there not been a mouse in the house. A tiny mouse was caught in the mouse trap in the furnace room. I was really scared to even look at it, for some reason. Really so odd because I used to work with mice in the lab. But those were alive, and when we put them down, we put them down humanely. After the Grey Cup game and after my company left, I finally got the courage to look at the dead mouse, then clean it up. I figured it was better for the dead mouse to freeze outside than sit in my garbage and right now, there's new snow outside so getting to the garbage can outside would be difficult so I set it outside the door. I then decided to do some cleaning in my kitchen cupboards - face the potential other dead mice or the evidence of their visits. I ended up throwing out a bunch of dried food because it (or they?) had gotten into my lentils (red and green) and some dried egg noodles. I found some containers to put the remaining food that wasn't already in plastic containers and I wiped everything down. There were so many droppings on one of my shelves. The mouse must really love dried lentils, especially the green ones! It was obviously taking them back somewhere. I set up a new trap - one that doesn't require touching the mouse or seeing it dead. Anyway, after doing all the cleaning and collecting any possible food-like smelling garbage, I collected it and carried it outside. This was about 1 am.

This brings me to my encounter. See, I generally wouldn't be standing outside on the front step at 1 am. I had been struggling with some stuff this week regarding getting to my car and also getting back to the house. When the plow came through to clean the street, it left a mound of hard ice / snow next to my car as well as in front and behind the car. I almost got stuck. I got really frustrated when I had to take my wheelchair in one day because I had purchased some things and I didn't have anyone I could ask to help me carry my purchases in. I also had this garbage that I really didn't feel good about leaving just outside the house. I didn't want to attract any other pests or cats or animals that would rip it apart. So, standing there on the step, I see this man walking down the sidewalk, pulling a suitcase. This is the man I've always figured was homeless. I still think he might be. He was talking with a bit of a slur and I wondered whether he was drunk or high or whether he had a brain injury or something else going on that affected his ability to speak clearly. He asked if I'd like him to shovel the walk. I asked him if he'd come back and ask me tomorrow. Somehow, though, he seemed to be a man that honestly wanted to do some work - earn a bit of money. Yes, I know he heads to the 'drug house' as I call it whenever I've seen him in the past. I've also seen him weaving his way across the actual street instead of the sidewalk. Today, I felt like this was an answer to prayer. He told me he lives 2 doors down. Maybe he does, or maybe he just goes there a lot. It isn't typical for people who live somewhere to always be dragging a suitcase around or carrying a backpack and/or a sleeping bag. Nevertheless, I needed someone to shovel around my car and I needed someone to carry the garbage somewhere else and it felt like this was God's answer to my needs. I first asked him if he had a garbage bin outside at his house that he could toss my garbage into. He gladly took the garbage and came back with a shovel. We had a conversation while he was shoveling. He's been through some hard times. He talked about losing his job. It seemed like he just needed a friendly face and someone who would talk with him. I had a $20 bill in my wallet so I decided to give him $20 for his work. I don't know if that's a lot or a little. He almost cried when I gave him the $20. I could see the tears in his eyes. I think this interesting encounter was also a God Encounter. Maybe this was an answer to both our needs. I didn't voice a prayer asking for someone to come along and take the garbage away or shovel the area by my car. And, maybe he didn't pray that I would hire him to shovel my walk. Still, I believe this was a divine encounter that met both our needs.

Purposeful Reflection and Worship

This is the Power Point I used for the youth Bible study this past week. It is a reflective worship activity including 13 stations (12 that were rotated through and the final one that everyone did at the same time). If the video below doesn't work, you can check out the link to the ACF youth page and look for the October 27/10 Salt Factory posting. If you want to take the time to follow the instructions on each slide, you may need to pause it at certain points. I also used the song 'Creation Calls' - see two posts below - at the end of the reflection exercise. (There is a link to this You Tube video on the last slide, but it may not work within this format). We sat in a dark room just listening to the music and the lyrics. I've never seen the group so quiet, even after it was all finished. Hopefully that quiet was a good thing - hopefully they were actually reflective and that this was a good exercise for them.

Purposeful reflection and worship acf salt factory 10 27 10

View more presentations from pyplett.

All the pictures were taken by Patti Plett except those in the You Tube video link on the last slide.

Creation Calls - Video

I came across this video as I was preparing for Salt Factory (Youth Bible study at my church). I'm leading the study tonight and the topic is God's Creativity. The youth will be going to different stations and spending time reflecting and taking note of how wonderfully complex the world is. I love this song and I got goosebumps listening to it. I like how the choir seems to fit so well in this song as well.

Letting Go Is Fearing Less and Loving More

You know, it's funny. Well, not really. Maybe ironic. I'm not sure what the best word is. When I did my drive to and from Manitoba this summer, I came to the realization that I was at a turning point. I don't really know what that turning point is leading to. But I knew change was coming. I also knew that my relationships would change in the next while. That part, I wasn't exactly welcoming. Changes regarding employment was what I was hoping for. I do seem to be getting some work. I also see that having a business will take a huge amount of work and I will need a lot of encouragement along the way to keep it up. Change is an uncomfortable place to be, although at the time when I was doing the long drive, I actually was excited about the change and felt refreshed and ready to go.

Right now, though, I'm feeling a sense of trepidation. Of once again losing the way of life that I have known for the last while. I'm sure some really good things will come of this. It's hard to let go of the way life was, even though aspects of it haven't been the best. Right now, I'm seeing that relationships with so many people in my life are changing. I like the way things were. The places where we were at. The sense of normalcy. The mutual, sometimes unspoken but realized, expectations. But, now, I'm not so sure that was even the case. Or maybe we're in different places. I liked the comfort of knowing I had some regular social plans. Now, I don't have that. With anyone. I miss the one-on-ones. Not that I've lost any relationships. But life seems to bring change and I can't control it.  And I guess we need to roll with the punches. And sometimes, these changes could lead to even stronger relationships. But sometimes it means drifting apart and opening the door for something else or someone else. I don't know which it will be. Which is sad and hard.

I have to believe that there is a purpose in this. Maybe it's to give me the opportunity to meet new people. Or to prepare me for something. I hate it that things have to be difficult to get prepared for another phase in life. The time of transition sucks. And I wonder what that next phase will look like.

At the same time, I know I should look forward to the good things in life. For example, I realized this weekend that in the last few months, I seem to be spending time with people that, a year and a half ago, were hardly in my life at all. If I had even met them.  It's a far cry from spending time mostly with my close-knit Christian circle. Not that some of these people don't share my beliefs or similar beliefs. It's been a few years since I've spent time with people with diverse backgrounds and lifestyles. And, to be honest, if I remember correctly, I talked to God about this -- that I was feeling a little sheltered and that I really felt I wanted me to spread my wings. To get out out of my little bubble. I also felt affirmed in this by him. There's a newness to this. Some unpredictability. But, in a way, a loneliness, as I don't feel very close to anyone right now. It's hard to see some of these friends make some choices that you know are harming them. To remember just to love them. It's different than my close-knit bubble. It's also different from the predictableness I've experienced over the last year and more in my relationships. Maybe that's what I needed then. And, maybe this is where I'm headed now. I don't want to let go of those relationships. Maybe they can grow in an exciting new direction. And maybe I can enjoy both the new and the old. I hope so. Whatever way, I want to be at peace with the new directions in my life and enjoy the present with an element of appreciating what was and looking forward to what is to come.

This weekend, though, I really enjoyed myself. Except for my small group this evening, everyone I spent time with was someone that has really only taken a bigger part in my life over the last while. In this time of change, I hope I do not compromise and make poor choices. I think about this as, this morning, I was not in a good place. I struggled with finding a purpose to even go to church. I was tired. I was discouraged. I wasn't throwing away my faith, but I couldn't think of a single reason why it would be a good idea to go. It felt a bit like a rut without purpose. That's not the way it should be. I ended up going for two reasons - I was up already and I made plans with someone for lunch who was planning to be there (who turned out to not be there). To be honest, I couldn't concentrate and I felt like it was a waste of time being there for the first while. I was happy to be holding my friend's baby who was happily drooling all over me and the chair next to me. Which is probably why I went out to the back of the church to walk around for a bit after the baby got fussy and went back to mum.  I'm glad I went. I ended up having a conversation with someone, during the service actually (while doing my little walk), who seemed to really need to talk. I really couldn't tell you what the service was about although I do remember the passage of scripture that was on the powerpoint. Psalm 139. Today, I think this conversation was my purpose in going.

It's so hard to let go of what I know, though. No, I'm not saying good-bye. But I'm also realizing relationships and circumstances change. There are seasons and fluctuations, even for friendships. Even within those, I've come to realize that although I have concerns at times, people have to make their own choices whether it's good for them or not. My role is to love them the best I can. I guess, who's to say it won't end up good for them? I have to trust that in the end it will. And the reality is, at times I have to concede to the fact I don't have the ability to control the ways things go. Again, the coming and going, the seasons, the fluctations in life. I came across a friend's blog entry today where someone posted a poem by an unknown author that really resonated with this idea and what I've been thinking about lately as a whole. Taking this in another direction, but also something I've been thinking about - this poem is about loving others - but can also be about loving yourself. Taking the attitude of the poem, you are showing love to yourself and acknowledging you really have worth. Here's the poem.

Letting go takes love.
Letting go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t take responsibility for someone else.
Letting go is not cutting others off, but the realization I can’t control others.
Letting go is not enabling but allowing others to learn from natural consequences.
Letting go is admitting powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
Letting go is not to try to change or blame another; it is making the most of myself.
Letting go is not to care for, but rather it is caring about others.
Letting go is not to diagnose but to support.
Letting go is not judging others but is allowing them to be a fallible human being.
Letting go refuses to arrange or guarantee results and allows others to make choices that determine their own destinies.
Letting go refuses to protect others from reality but encourages one to face the facts.
Letting go refuses to nag, scold, or argue but instead searches out my own shortcomings and corrects them.
Letting go is not regretting the past but growing and living for the future.
Letting go is fearing less and loving more.
– Author unknown.

My edited version about loving yourself:

Letting go takes love.
Letting go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t take responsibility for someone else.
Letting go is not cutting others off, but the realization I can’t control others.
Letting go is not allowing others to enable me but allowing myself to learn from natural consequences.
Letting go is admitting powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
Letting go is not to try to change or blame another; it is making the most of myself.
Letting go is not to care for, but rather it is caring about others.
Letting go is not to be critical about myself but to support and look for the good things.
Letting go is not judging myself but allowing me to be a fallible human being.
Letting go refuses to arrange or guarantee results and allows me to make choices that determine my own destiny.
Letting go refuses to protect myself from reality but encourages me to face the facts.
Letting go refuses to nag, scold, or argue but instead searches out my own shortcomings and corrects them.
Letting go is not regretting the past but growing and living for the future.
Letting go is fearing less and loving more.
– Author Unknown, Revised by Patti Plett

Divine Creativity

It has been a while since I've taken a few hours just to take pictures. I love being out in nature and I wanted to do some planning for my business so I decided to stop at Pearce Estate Park on my way home today.  I didn't do a lot of planning, but I did get some exercise in, wheeling along the paved paths and taking lots of pictures - more than 200! Taking pictures, for me, is a way I connect spiritually.  I notice the little details and appreciate what my Creator has made - the intricate details, the spectacular creativity, the beauty.  And I just 'am', taking it all in. Lately, I've been reading the book Making Your Dreams Your Destiny by Judy Rushfeldt that resonate with me that also link to the idea of creativity.  Here are a few quotes about creativity from the book:

"God is utterly, undeniably extravagant. Creativity is God's essence; he can't help being extravagant with it. He is creativity. And so are you - for divine creativity is woven into the fabric of your soul." p. 60

"Every great invention, every painting or musical composition, every child's finger painting splattered on the wall, every flair for artistic flower arrangements or love of beauty or romance, every warrior instinct to protect and defend loved ones, every entrepreneurial drive to start new business ventures, every creative act, from a toddler building a sandcastle to an architect designing the world's tallest skyscraper -- all these emanate from the divine creativity that is irrevocably stamped on our souls" (p. 31).

"The same God who designed the splendours of the universe personally planned every little detail about you, including your physical characteristics, personality, talents, and -- most important -- your life purpose. He never planned for you to live in misery and failure; he planned for you to live with joy and purpose" (p. 37).

The author goes on to encourage readers to 'cultivate and express' (p. 60) creativity as this will nourish our hearts.

And a quote about change that's connected to nature, also from the same book:

"Though winter is indeed harsh and cold, it is also the time when the dead leaves are absorbed into the frozen soil, decaying and breaking down into minerals and other nutrients necessary to nourish new life in spring" (p. 83).

I haven't finished the book, but I am hoping to write more of a review at some point as there are other concepts and points that really jumped out at me.  When I first started reading the book, I thought it was pretty hokey.  The title alone made me think this would be some sort of cheesy "motivating" style of book. I picked it up again recently and thought it might actually be helpful since I'm trying to figure out where to go next in life. It's been quite helpful, actually, as there are some exercises to do and some reflection questions to consider. It's helped me realize what kinds of things make me happy which may help in figuring out what I will focus on in the next while.

And, now for the pictures I promised...

Using super macro mode, this is the fluff of the above dandelion. Look at the amazing creativity and detail that went into the creation of this flower that so many of us think of as a weed.

There was white cotton like fluff everywhere in the park. 

My version of 'Scream':

 
I found this little metal ball on a picnic table and thought it was kind of neat. Picture worthy, anyway! :)

And some rainbow pics taken after a thunder storm last week:

Below: With a wee bit of colour tweaking, I darkened the image and increased the saturation. Up close, you can actually see the raindrops too (you can click on any of the pictures to enlarge them).

Have you ever noticed birds' wings flutter when they chirp?

I know I haven't posted in a while.  I'm not exactly sure what to post about.  I've kind of hit a slump.  I've lost some motivation in looking for work and even in getting my business going.  The looking for work is very discouraging.  The getting-the-business going - well, it hasn't been hugely successful yet and it looks like a lot of work.  I don't know exactly where to start to get it off the ground again, although this weekend I did a lot of brain storming.  I'm looking at the idea of providing piano / keyboard lessons for people with disabilities.  My OT training should come in handy with that and I do have 7 years experience giving lessons.  I definitely have a lot of things to think about and do.  Getting the word out there will be a big challenge. Finding a place to provide the lessons will also take some organizing and networking. During my reflection time, I was also thinking about some other things in my life and feeling a little discouraged.  Something neat happened while I was thinking about that.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move.  I turned my face to see a bird hopping along the edge of the garage roof. It just struck me as neat.  I watched the bird for a while longer, and I noticed that as it chirped, it's wings fluttered and I was in awe.  Haha.  In awe at a little bird. The intricacies of it's movements.  It reminded me that God cares about and provides for everything a little bird needs - how much more does he care for us as humans, made in his reflection.

Laughing with Me

Last night, we had a freak storm.  It was a beautiful sunny morning with degrees in the double digits.  Then, a storm blew in that knocked the power out and covered the once-brown ground in a white layer.  I lit most of my candles and read by candlelight.  But, the reading didn't last long.  For those who know me, I love playing with candles and watching candle light flicker.  And, I love playing with my camera.  So, naturally, what else would I do? :D

I must have spent a good hour taking pictures, including trying to get self portraits in a mirror without the camera showing and using the candlelight to light my face, to taking up close pictures of the candles, the wax, the flames.  In all, I took 216 pictures.  I'm laughing, just thinking about it.

During my quiet time with God, I did some listening prayer.  I asked God when the last time he laughed with me was.  Instantly, I had a clear image of me sitting there in front of the mirror, laughing at how much fun I was having.  And I pictured Jesus right there with me, laughing with me.  I did, in fact, do this.  Laughing at myself out of pure fun.  Oddly, I was sitting in the bathroom on a closed toilet seat in front of the large mirror with the candles in front of me.  The most unlikely place to have fun, really.  I certainly wouldn't plan that. And, I knew God was right there, laughing with me that I could amuse myself so.

At a time when it's easy to worry about where I'll live or where my income will come from, it's nice to have moments like this.  At a time when there is so much uncertainty in my life.  An hour or so, where I'm not thinking about anything other than having fun and being in the moment.  Doing something I enjoy. Enjoying fire. Enjoying photography.

Join me in enjoying candlelight!

Review of a Lecture: Suicide

I went to a couple lectures today by Professor John Swinton of Aberdeen University (biography, Centre for Spirituality, Health and Disability) about Suicide as well as the church's response to mental illness, suicide, and survivors of suicide. A few things stood out for me.

Suicide or suicidal ideation is most often the result of a break in trust between the individual and the social environment, therefore it is both communal and relational . Another was the picture of severe depression as an abyss, as described by a participant in one of the studies described. The person is at the bottom of an abyss, sometimes seeing a trace of light and other times, sitting in complete darkness. As the chances of getting out of this abyss looks utterly hopeless, suicide seems to be the most logical and rational choice to end the hopelessness and despair. Even if they do get out of the abyss, as the person walks around the edge of the abyss, the person fears they will get sucked down into that abyss again.

Reasons for depression and suicidal ideation are often founded in losses: loss of tradional roles, social supports, sense of meaning or purpose, employment, etc. It can be the result of confusion over identity or the result of a culture of suicide where someone has 'succeeded' and it has now been modeled and, to some degree, accepted as an option. People with the highest risk are individuals with a history of mental illness, particularly affective disorders, schizophrenia, or alcohol addictions (possibly other addictions?). The phenomenon called 'anomie' can also lead to suicidal thoughts - a state of isolation and anxiety due to a lack of social control and regulation. In this case, there is a sense of alienation and detachment. Often, individuals feel they are in "no man's land". Sometimes, suicide gives the person a perceived sense of control. They can be quite angry if the suicide attempt was not 'successful', as the one thing they felt they could control did not succeed. Unemployment is a significant factor, as employment provides a sense of meaning. We frequently identify ourselves with our profession or job title. A lack of employment may lead to poverty and loss of relationships which leads to lower personal well-being.

Interestingly, research presented in the lectures suggest participating in a faith community on a regular basis appears to correlate to lower suicide rates. It is suggested this is due to the social community as well as the opportunities that arise from participation in regular gatherings where crisis intervention can occur because people can respond to needs. A sense of belonging to a group and being accepted gives a sense of protection. Regardless, mental illness still overrides the benefits of belonging to a group. On a different note, but related to faith, there is a phenomenon described as 'the double bind of religion' where people state God doesn't allow them to commit suicide and they are angry with him for that.

Recommendations to provide appropriate support for individuals includes creating safe spaces that are culturally relevant - places where people can do what they are best able to do. We also need to rename success - we need to re-evaluate how we define success. Should we be measuring something else as a mark of success? We also need to provide strong, positive and healthy male and female role models as the loss of identity has become a significant issue. Young people today do not know what it means to be manly or womanly, which can result in confusion.

Something I'd like to explore more from these lectures is the idea of Caplan groups. This is a bringing together of pastoral as well as non-religious supports (including professionals), to discuss how to best integrate the individuals experiencing suicidal ideation, individuals who are survivors following attempt(s), individuals with mental illness, etc. Interestingly, it was pointed out that it is essential each profession (including pastoral care) maintain its integrity of the profession so as not to lose the benefits that each profession brings. Each profession needs to stay true to themselves. As an Occupational Therapist, this idea struck me as essential because this is a profession that seems to easily meld into other professions or get replaced by someone of a different professional background without the team really understanding the benefits an Occupational Therapist can bring to the table. In the case where mental illness is a strong factor for the individual seeking support, it is easy for the professions to meld towards the psychologist or psychiatrist perspective.

Other notes that came out in discussion include:

• lament is a form of worship. Also, how can faith communities (or other communities) provide space (literally and figuratively) for emotional release. A suggestion was developing a wailing place. A place that allows for sounds of lament.
  
• it is important to know your scope (skill level) and to know the resources available to refer when necessary. Referring doesn't mean dropping that individual when you make that referral. If necessary, you can accompany the individual to the referral.
• in relation to faith communities, it is important to be flexible - different styles of worship, accommodations required, understanding, etc. Not everyone is in the same place at the same time (spiritually and personally speaking).
• churches should speak to the life, creating a sense of hope.
  

And now to leave you with some questions. Feel free to comment as you wish.

• How can faith communities (or communities of practice or communities in general) counter stigma associated with mental illness and help seeking?
• How can education directly address suicide and suicide prevention?
• How will congregations or communities be educated?
• How can a faith community discourage suicide and still support without condemnation?
• How can faith communities support and encourage isolated individuals, persons with mental illness, persons at risk of suicide, suicide survivors, and those who have lost loved ones to suicide?
• What would it look like if we actually lived by grace (as opposed to judgment)?
  

Thoughts on Heaven - Sunday's Coming

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, and we'll see Jesus face-to-face (song, There Will Be A Day, Jeremy Camp).

This song quote almost sounds cliché, but there is truth and comfort in it. At least, if you believe you will see Jesus face-to-face. I think, too, that this quote sums up the comfort of the idea of heaven for most people. A better place. No more pain. No more crying. No more fears. And all will be well. In general, heaven is a concept I try not to think about. However, recently, it's been on my mind more. I've had conversations and read books and recently, people I know have passed away. And at times such as this, it lends to reflection. I guess, though, shouldn't we be thinking about heaven as being more than just this place with no more hard times? Isn't it more than that? And yet, that's one of the reasons why I look forward to heaven. Granted, I'd still say I don't want to go just yet.

A few weeks ago, I came back to a book I started a long time ago - 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. He was in a brutal accident, literally died on the scene, and had a heaven experience. After 90 minutes, he revived and came to. In the months (and maybe even still) that followed, he questioned many times why he couldn't stay in heaven instead of being in constant pain on earth. But there was more to it than that - the longing to be with Jesus. To be in that glory. Over time, he saw a purpose for him to continue to be on this earth. Over time, he saw his purpose in being on this earth, but it took a while. But he notes that while he was in heaven, he didn't think about those he left behind. To him, it was but a short good-bye. He'd see them again. The experience was glorious and the book goes into a fair amount of detail as to what he experienced. I've also heard of others who have had a similar experience. Although I believe they're thankful for the time they have with loved ones today, those are the people who I see long the most to be with Jesus in heaven.

The whole idea of heaven itself is a mystery to me. During a conversation with a friend recently, we talked about the idea that heaven really means being with Jesus. I guess, my response to that is, aren't we with him now? Isn't he ever-present with us? How is that any different than now? Or does that mean this is some sort of heaven. In doing more reading and thinking, I think in our lifetime on earth, we catch glimpses of something to come. A taste. Like experiencing peace in times of difficulty or pain, experiencing and knowing God's presence, experiencing beauty in people or in nature or in art, or noticing the little things in life when we are living in the moment. Feeling the wind on our face, noticing the details in how a bird hopes or an animal moves, or watching the trees move, or listening to the flow of water, or hearing other nature sounds. (Wow - that sentence is something similar to what I wrote in a different post - I guess it's obvious that this is one way that I connect with God). But I think the song "I Can Only Imagine" (Mercy Me) sums it up quite well - see below.

Like the people who have had 'heaven experiences', I hope that my desire to be with Christ eternally will become a longing. I do hope that I don't need to go through some horrific process or serious illness to get to that point. :) I don't want that longing to be only about the beauty that has been described in various biblical passages or that life will be blissful with no pain, etc., but about being in the very presence of God. And, yes, a part of me looks forward to the day when I won't have to worry that I will slip on the ice and fall and break something or have some other fall or injury that leads to broken bones. I look forward to being able to walk normally and to be able to jump or dance. When I think about this part, I long for that. The song, "I Can Only Imagine" has special meaning to me, both in the idea that I will be physically restored and that heaven is about worshiping God. When I listen to that song or watch the video, it brings tears to my eyes. I get this overwhelming sense of - I don't even know how to describe it. Maybe longing is the word. Maybe this is my glimpse of longing.



I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, yeah, yeah, yeah

Surrounded by your glory,
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine, yeah, yeah
I can only imagine, Yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, Ohh yeah
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when all I will do
is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine



And another song that has been in my head recently related to heaven:

There Will Be A Day (by Jeremy Camp)


And for those who have lost someone recently or are experiencing a lot of hardship,

It's Friday ... But Sunday's Coming!