Gethsemane

Gethsemane

Written on Easter weekend, April 11, 2020. The thoughts were brewing on Good Friday.

Upon seeing a friend’s post of her picture of visiting the Garden of Gethsemane and her experience while being there – having an emotional realization – this is where Jesus went to pray, and this is where his betrayers came to find him – I reflected on what Jesus’ experience might be like. I also had a revelation…

Jesus went with a few of his closest disciples, his friends, to the garden to pray. I imagine the garden would be dimly lit from the moon. Likely, they would have seen shadows of trees and shrubs. There may have been an eerie feeling, or maybe more of a heavy feeling. It was probably a garden they knew well, so they knew where to go for some privacy. Jesus asked his friends to stay awake and watch while he moved a little further into the garden to pray on his own. I would venture, to also grieve. Grieve what he knew he would be losing. To grieve for the loss his friends and disciples would experience. To grieve for those who don’t understand. And to beg God that there would be another way. Jesus knew what was going to happen. Yet, he didn’t know exactly what the experience would be like. In the midst of knowing what was to happen, there was uncertainty. He pleaded with God to ‘take the cup’ from him if it was possible…. And, he was able to say, “not what I will, but what you will”. That takes courage. And faith to know that, even though he was about to go through the worst experience possible, it would, in the end, be for the best. It would be fulfilling his purpose.

Mark 14:36 ³⁶ And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

In the days preceding the night of anguish at Gethsemane, Jesus was letting his disciples know his time was nearing the end. Meanwhile, Jesus knew his disciple Judas had betrayed him. He also knew his dear friend and disciple Peter would deny knowing Jesus and told him so (to which Peter denied this would ever happen – and then denied knowing Jesus 3x before Jesus even died). Jesus and his disciples celebrated Passover and broke bread together. This is when Jesus shared the famous words, “This is my blood of the^[c] covenant, which is poured out for many. ²⁵ Truly, I say to you, I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new in the kingdom of God.”

Fast forward to today. A time in our lives where things are uncertain. We are living in the midst of a worldwide pandemic – that may well have affected my father. That, according to worst possible projections for our province, one in three people will become infected, and with the best possible projections, much less but still a lot of people. In Canada, the worst possible scenario would lead to hundreds of thousands of deaths. The hope is only a few thousand.

Add to that, our own uncertain future. We never know the future, but we know tough times are ahead.

My husband lost his job for “undisclosed reasons”. That being said, will he be able to do what he is passionate about? Or will he need to do something that is “just a job” until the right thing comes along? Will he be able to tap into his creative juices and get back to making things again? And to mentor youth, and for those at risk of homelessness, be able to do something about preventing homelessness from even happening? I long to see him in a role where he is using his full potential and where it is evident to all this is where he should be. Also, my husband recently was informed he has something on his lung. It could have been there for years or could have been a result of his work-related injury last summer. Or it could be a new thing.

And what about our dad? Dad is in the hospital with a lot of medical issues going on – his kidneys aren’t working and he requires dialysis 3x per week, he has pneumonia plus one or two other infections. He is physically weak. He has taken a turn for the worse health-wise today. He is currently delirious (confused, having a hard time being able to process information) due to the infections. He is on some very strong medications and he is also immunocompromised. We hope and pray he will survive and get strong and healthier again. His cancer is not curable, but when he was diagnosed, doctors were hopeful he would still live a fulfilling life. However, we also know that everyone passes away when it is their time. This is an unknown for us, and something that is hard to think about.

I have been experiencing increased stress at work (although in some ways, working from home right now due to the COVID-19 pandemic has resulted in somewhat less stress and much less physical pain – likely a notable contributor to the stress I was experiencing). I have felt unappreciated, taken for granted, and misunderstood. I have also been feeling like it’s time to move on or to shift my role in some way. But to what or where? I’d love to tap back into my private practice and run some journaling groups to help people process what’s going on for them. I’d love to bring creativity and artwork to clients. I’d love to help people live well in all aspects. I’d love to do more teaching, research, and workshops. Is there a way to shift to the world of academia? Or a mix of academia and clinical practice? Is this the time? And if not, are we financially able to handle a period of time where my income is notably lower, especially if we need to move to Manitoba to be more of a support to family and so Kevin can get work in an area that God has called him. While I have significantly more experience now than when I lived in Manitoba before, it was extremely difficult for me to get work there. Stigma around disability was a big factor, with employers outright telling me that I didn’t deserve to get as much as someone without a disability or letting me go before I even started my shift when they saw me in person. I got a job via telephone interview, disclosed my disability, was still hired, but upon driving 5 hours and meeting them in person, I was told the job was given to someone else. I believe society has shifted in this regard. However, to what degree, in general, has this shift occurred?

The thought of living in Manitoba again is somewhat scary for me as well. The winter conditions have not been favourable to my health. My bones break easily if I slip and fall. The spring conditions are not good for my allergies. I know from experience, going back to a place I lived before comes with unrealistic expectations – hoping for the good things from before and knowing that things are different and will never be the same. Employment wise, I did best when I was self-employed. I controlled my hours and I advertised for clients. I had neat shorter-term positions I enjoyed like doing some teaching and research work. Living further away from family helped me develop perspective and forced me to take better care of myself. I was bullied a lot in my younger years by people in school and in the neighbourhood and, aside from a few folks, I have very few friends who still live in the Steinbach area where my family lives. Much of my growing up, most of my friends only were ‘friends’ with me when it was to their advantage – staying inside when it was cold out, their ‘current’ friends no longer wanted to be friends with them, etc. To me, Steinbach and area have been a place of pain for me, so the thought of moving to that area scares me a lot. Winnipeg has felt like home and was where I first worked towards being independent. Either way, this time if we move to Manitoba, I would be starting all over with my husband and we would be finding our new way there. Which is exciting in some ways. It’s also something we’ve never done together and will, inevitably, have some challenges along the way, as life always does. (Note this is not a negative statement).

And on the smaller end of things, but still important, if we move, are we able to take our dog with us that we have bonded with? A dog that has experienced significant trauma before we adopted her. She has also bonded with our downstairs housemates, as have we. They are like family to us and have been for the past few years. When our blood families were not able to be here for us, they were and continue to be. Leaving a family that has seen the good and bad from our past couple of years is hard for me to process. We have also developed some close friendships in Calgary. It is hard to think about saying good-bye. Yet, I’ve done that before and the relationships that matter stick. I have had the blessing of living in many different places and built friendships with people I still connect with – across the world. I can truly say I have friends that live from one end of the earth to the other. I am able to deal with the ‘good-byes’ when I see God leading in another direction.

So what can I learn from Jesus in Gethsemane?

• It’s ok to ask God to ‘take this cup’ from us – with the caveat – “Not my will, but yours be done”.  On the flip side, what is the possible outcome if that ‘cup’ is taken from us? Are the outcomes actually worse? I need to trust that God’s will is the best outcome.
• It’s important to pray, to seek God’s will … and to tell God how I feel.
•  It’s ok to be going through a hard time.
•  It’s important to have some time alone.
•  It’s important to lean on dear friends.
•  Ultimately, it is important to follow through with my purpose – whatever that is. Maybe I need to figure out what that is, or maybe I know what it is and need to explore a little deeper to bring that to the surface. Maybe that means keeping on going until that is revealed.

Bottom line, I know that God is in control and I need to rest in that. I know that we’ve been feeling like we have been at a transition point for some time now. Maybe it’s an opportunity to look forward to what is to come.

Mother's Day

Just a note - this entry will likely ebb and flow - hopefully it connects somehow for you.

Mother's Day is sometimes hard for me. I live far from my mother and I have no 'surrogate mothers' here in Calgary. I also am single, am not a mother, and don't know if I'll ever be. I long for a young child to put his or her arms around me and say "I love you mommy" but the older I get, the less likely that possibility seems to be. Also, I don't know whether my body could handle pregnancy and giving birth so it may not be an option for me anyway. And these days, adoption is so very expensive. I know others who have been denied adoption for various reasons, and my physical limitations could well be a factor against me.

Within Christian communities, it is so hard being single. Families are glorified. Singles fade into the background. Being single and also not a mother creates even more divides. Mothers talk about their children, and so often, young mothers in particular just do not know how to talk about anything else (or so my experience has been). My life seems to have no relevance to theirs. I love their children. Love that they come to hug me, or to say hi to me. The conversations with the mothers often seem so stilted and that is frustrating for me. In my own family, I don't feel that way. My nieces and nephews love me and I love them. They seem to look forward to seeing me and spending time with me. I am thankful for that.

I believe mothers should be honoured. I also wonder how such a day as Mother's Day affects those who have lost their children, have lost their mother, or have never had the opportunity to be a mother? I think most of us have a maternal instinct in us - whether that is towards our own children, for others' children, or a mentoring or mothering instinct in general. So I approach mother's day with mixed feelings. I want to honour the mothers that are part of my life. I also feel for those who hurt on mother's day - whether that be from experiencing losses, having strained relationships that are highlighted on such a day, or those who long for having a child of their own. Also, I relate to the awkwardness that is Mother's Day - the questions about when someone will become a mother, or the awkward parts in a church service where all the moms are asked to stand up and are honoured with a flower while all the non-moms (whether that be moms who have lost a child, or those who want children, or a myriad of other situations), or being in a situation where your mom is far across the country and you have no mom to spend the day with, or where you've lost your own mother. It is just a messy day for so many people. Again, that is not to say mothers should not be honoured!

I am a mother in my own ways. I am a god-mother to a beautiful girl. I have nieces and nephews who are a big part of my life, even though there is geographical distance in between. Children at church love to come say hi and my friends' kids also seem to connect well with me. And maybe someone out there sees me as a mentor or sorts.

Here is a blessing I came across on another blog, quoted from http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120,  that really touched me today. Hopefully one of my readers will also be blessed as you read. This blessing is something I wish all pastors would read in church on Mother's Day and that others would also read - this is not just about church. It acknowledges the spectrum of mothering.

To those who gave birth to their first child - we celebrate with you.
To those who lost a child this year - we mourn with you.
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains - we appreciate you.
To those who experience loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away - we mourn with you.
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears and disappointment - we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don't mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms - we need you.
To those who have warm and close relationships with children - we celebrate with you.
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance from your children - we sit with you.
To those who lost their mothers this year - we grieve with you.
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother - we acknowledge your own experience.
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood - we are better for having you in our midst.
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be.
To those who step-parent - we walk with you on those complex paths.
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren - yet that dream was not meant to be, we grieve with you.
To those who will have emptier nests in the coming year - we grieve and rejoice with you.
To those who placed children up for adoption - we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart.
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising - we anticipate with you.
This Mother's Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
- See more at: http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120#sthash.6BNV0uLu.dpuf

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be
To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths
To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.
- See more at: http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120#sthash.6BNV0uLu.dpuf

Acceptance and Grace

Acceptance and grace ... 2 words I feel God has placed on my heart as a theme for the 2014 year. At first I thought it odd. Then I realized how closely connected these 2 words are. I desire to be a woman of grace. To be a woman of grace, I need to be at peace - with myself and others. I need to accept what I cannot change and have wisdom to make the changes I can and need to. There is so much more to the concept of grace and I'm still learning!

I see that

when I can fully accept myself - my situation, my limitations, my strengths, my desires, my interests, my passions, all of me ... and when I can be gracious with myself ...

And

when I can fully accept others in my life - those who to me feel very judgmental (that is something that really irks me), or those who have hurt me or used me in one way or another, or those who will enter my life or are new to my life - and show grace to them  ...

Then I can truly live at peace.

And I can only get to this point by the grace of God.

I don't see accepting and being full of grace towards others as being as hard as it is to accept me fully - for who I am and all that I am - and being gracious with myself. Then again, in many ways, I hope I don't have to learn this the hard way! For others, I usually forgive quickly. As I am relationally focused, I want to make things right between me and other people so those kinds of things don't usually hang around long. My current struggles are mostly around acknowledging that I have physical limitations that are more so than in the past. I can't go as full-on as I've gone in the past. And believe me, I've been known to be very busy doing all sorts of things. I don't know why now is the time when I am noticing I need to slow down. It is frustrating. I'm mostly ok with my situation. But there are days when I really struggle. I want to do so much more than my body seems to allow me to before it konks out. I'm finding I need to rely on others more than ever. And I most definitely do not want others to see me as 'needy' or 'using' them when I do have needs - whether that is companionship, physical help, or other needs and desires. Sure, I struggle at times with my appearance, but somehow, overall, I'm ok with it. I do what I can to be healthy and to look my best, and I know that others can accept that or not and it's their choice. I've been told I'm Ugly. Fat. Crippled. Look funny. And many ugly words. I have to remember they're just words and the people saying these things are going through their own issues. If they don't accept my appearance or if they discriminate based on my appearance, that's on them. All I can do is accept me for who I am. All of me. And that will still require me to lean on God and allow his grace to wash over me.

That grace, I've noticed, comes in many forms. People in my life. Little things that make me smile. Nature's beauty as a wonderful balm. Conversations I have where I see that God is using me in others' lives - because I am who I am - in my full glory. :) [said with some jest, but also in sincerity as I do believe that as a Christian, I reflect God's glory]. I am continually surprised and feel blessed when others come to talk to me because they see me as someone who listens. Who has good advice when needed, or is just willing to listen or, if they'd like, to pray with them. I see so many wonderful opportunities to connect with others - and sometimes I think these opportunities come BECAUSE I need some help and someone has stepped up. We end up having such wonderful conversations.

So, in my year of exploring what it means to fully accept myself and be gracious to myself and in my exploration of what it means to fully accept, love, and be gracious to others, I am filled with excitement. I think this year will hold many wonderful - and probably some not-so-wonderful experiences. I look forward to studying God's word, reading books that teach me about these topics (and as a side note - so often I end up picking up a book that brings out the themes that I am experiencing without even realizing it), and learning about grace and acceptance in my relationships. I think I will come out on the other end more at peace. And maybe, I will even exude some of what the lyrics in the U2 song 'Grace' talk about (see below).

The only verse I'm not so sure about is the first one (I'm not sure what that verse means and from how I'm reading it, I'm not sure it's a healthy way of looking at things). Unless 'Grace' is viewed as God and the sacrifice of Jesus. Then it makes sense to me. The video link is below as well.

Grace (by U2)

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips
She carries a pearl
In perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

Hope and a New Year

I just got back from my annual trip back to Manitoba for Christmas. I drove this year. Driving is a good time for me to converse with God and to listen. Afterall, what else is there to do while driving. Well, other than listen to music and take pictures. Oops ... did I say that? Actually, I didn't take any pics this year while driving. Anyway, back to my point, God often speaks to me through music too, so that's as good a time to listen as any. My last entry indicates a little of the struggle I've been having lately. During my drive out, and throughout my trip, the theme 'hope' seemed to come up. That this year is a year of hope. From songs that talked about hope and really resonating with me, to lyrics that suggest being thankful in that moment is a factor leading to hope, to a sense that things are going to change over the next while and a sense of excitement about what that could mean, to just having a really good trip and a lot of good relationship building. Actually, prior to my trip, I sensed God breathing the word 'hope' into me. Metaphorically, of course. But, whenever I was praying, this word came to mind. It was neat that a series of things all seemed to resonate with that. I experienced things that seemed to revive me. I 'skated' at the Forks - fast, too, while my sister was skating and pushing me. I felt good about my interactions with my family. I spent time with people who mean a lot to me while I was in Winnipeg. I had an awesome New Years.

In the end, though, I had a very hard time leaving this time around. I really did not want to go back to Calgary. I long for a sense of community. Calgary just doesn't feel like community. I don't know my neighbours. I know their dogs better than the people - and that's pretty sad. The whole motivation for so many people is 'how much money can I make' and 'oh, no, I can't afford to live so I must make more'. So it becomes a rat race with few personal connections. I'm not saying I don't have personal connections here - I do have some good friends. Just, overall, there isn't a sense of community. I felt community while in Manitoba this year. I felt loved, accepted. And I felt like I was contributing to the lives of people in my interactions. I still don't feel like anything is tying me to Calgary, other than the fact I work here and have some things I enjoy doing. I feel that can be built elsewhere too. So, I'm not saying I'm going anywhere. But I also feel free to go wherever God has a plan for me. And part of that brings excitement. That God has great plans for my life!

Work wise, I would love to work with communities where people are experiencing poverty. Maybe working in an orphanage. Or, working with people living on the streets or at risk of being homeless, or families who are down and out. Or maybe a community program somewhere, or developing a new program somehow. Something out of the box, of course! :) I'm not hurrying to do something different but this kind of thing is what I want to get back to at some point. And, honestly, Calgary is not really where there is a lot of any of the real poverty. Yes, there's homelessness and some significant social justice issues. But there are so many resources for them - just not OT. So who knows?! The world's my oyster! But God will need to orchestrate everything!

So this year, I didn't really make new resolutions. The things I wrote down are things I'm doing already or have done and want to continue. However, I did make a goal of taking at least one trip that is not to Manitoba - to go somewhere new. The rest of my 'resolution' is to live as much as possible within my values. This includes making decisions that reflect my values.

"Hope is a passion for what is possible" - Kierkegaard

I noticed this quote today and I'm still digesting it. It was the introduction to a story about a boy who was homeless, lost everything in a torrential downpour, and was completely broken. The one connection he had to his sister, the person he loved most, was lost in the rains, and for him, it was like someone he loved dearly had just died. Along comes a person who works with youth on the streets, and he tries to 'fix' everything, only to realize he needs to allow the person to grieve. A few days later, Katrina (the hurricane) comes along and the boy is deeply affected by the loss experienced by the people in the line of Katrina. Instead of panhandling for himself (and he desperately needed it, especially now that he had lost everything he owned), he panhandled for Katrina. He ended up giving all that he had for other people, and this made all the difference in his life. He had hope. He started making changes in his life. I know I'm missing big parts of the story, and to be honest, I'm still digesting the rest of the story. There's a lot to unpack in this story - some more on the level of working with this population and some as simply a person living in Canadian society seeing people on the streets. This passion to help people became his hope, and with this hope, life became possible for this boy. This step was a springboard for him to make many positive changes in his life.

Maybe I'll come back to unpacking this quote more, and maybe even unpacking this story more in another blog post. We'll see. In the mean time, I'm thinking of using this story as a discussion starter for Youth night on Wednesday, although I'm not sure I'll get through reading it out loud. I was bawling most of the way through. I wasn't sad for the boy - I think I was actually crying for this amazing self sacrifice. And the difference this act made in helping this boy move on in life.  I saw myself in the story too - in the street worker. He wanted to solve the problems. He had solutions - get this guy into a shelter, get him housing, get him new clothes, get him a new sleeping back, etc. What this kid needed was to have his feelings validated. He needed someone to go with what he found important - giving the money to a cause that affected him deeply. He needed someone to just love him and not jump to conclusions about what needed to be done. How many of us wouldn't encourage the kid to use the money for him to start building up his own life? Afterall, who else is more in need than this boy? I pray I have the discernment to realize what needs to be done in situations like this. The story is found in the book Bent Hope by Tim Huff and it is called "A Kid and a Coffee Cup". The book is a good read and it may well give you a new perspective.

Hope is a passion for what is possible. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Learning How to Be Alone - an important spiritual discipline

It's so important to learn how to be alone and to appreciate silence. I like the underlying message of this video - that there are many ways to practise being alone. To enjoy it. That being alone can be acceptable. For me, I started enjoying being alone in Australia. At least, that's where I first remember enjoying being alone. I enjoyed exploring a new city, going to a new coffee shop, going along on my scooter at a walking pace instead of the hurried frenzy of driving through traffic in a car, and just being. Enjoying that here and now. Enjoying those moments by myself and the adventure of seeing things as if for the first time (although some of it definitely was the first time). Whether that was amongst other people or truly by myself, I was still alone. Not in the lonely sense of alone. I learned to enjoy being alone.

I learned how to appreciate the little things in life. I learned how to be there, in that moment, in conversations, and ended up enjoying conversations and that curiosity that comes with really wanting to hear what the other has to say. I learned how to notice the little things in life. How to take life's pace down to a walk instead of race. I learned to enjoy sipping coffee or tea or trying a new food, just for the enjoyment of the flavour and the experience. I learned how to observe. I relearned how to play for the sheer enjoyment of it by playing with a huge bubble wand in a marketplace, surrounded by people yet it was as though I was all alone experiencing joy. My time in Australia was one of huge spiritual growth. Why? Because I learned how to be alone and enjoy it.

And now, I enjoy sitting outside at night, just watching the stars. Or going out for a walk with my scooter. Or sitting in my car, sometimes even with no music and being left to my own thoughts or observations. I enjoy sitting in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon, possibly reading the paper or a book. I enjoy just observing what's going on around me. Taking it all in, but not focusing on anything in particular. I enjoy listening to music at home. I enjoy reading and journaling. I enjoy making music. I enjoy going to a park. I enjoy going for a drive. I enjoy being with other people, engaging in conversations and really being there.

Being alone allows me to worship and spend time with God. It allows me to worship by enjoying nature around me. Or enjoying the little things in life, perhaps by capturing it through a lens. Again - being present in that moment to whatever is going on.

As a side shoot - maybe even my work allows me to worship. I have to live in the moment for my work. There's no way I could facilitate some of the groups I do without really, truly being present. Not distracted by other thoughts. Just being there. Maybe that's part of worship - to really be present. And through that - when in conversation or dialogue, or even in listening to dialogue, appreciating it for what it is and injecting comments here and there as appropriate to facilitate that dialogue.

So then, what is worship? A friend once described it as a way of life. Maybe it's more about being worshipful. A state of being. Many of us think singing is worship - and that alone is worship. I disagree, although it can definitely be part of being worshipful. To me, it really is about a way of life. Being there in that moment with my whole self. Connecting with people. With God. Being ok with being alone, because it allows me to really be present. Sometimes to feel - even the not-so-good feelings. Or to take note of those little things in life that easily go unnoticed and thanking the Creator. To me, making music is part of worship. Reading is part of worship - not only writings such as the Bible or theological books, but also other things that make me think and reflect on my own life and lead to personal evaluation. Or reading funny things because laughter is a gift. Or writing an article or an essay. Using the gifts we are blessed with. For me, being in nature is also a very important way I connect with God. Each of these can be a way to connect with God. To me, worship, or rather, being worshipful, is engaging with life, being in the moment, living an attitude of praise and thanksgiving, and connecting with God with my whole self.

Bringing it back to 'being alone', maybe we should make a practice of taking time to be alone. We can worship when we are with other people or when we are in a church setting. We can also worship wherever we are. I think that without learning how to be alone, we miss out on a very powerful way of worshiping - of connecting with God in a way that is so personalized.

What do you say ...

What do you say when someone offers to help you go to the washroom when you are perfectly capable of managing on your own?

I'll give some background to this story. I have a disability that requires the use of a wheelchair, particularly in icy conditions such as we have right now. I went for supper with a couple people today, one of whom had never met me before. She saw me wheeling around before we made the supper plans, but she also saw me walking outside, pushing my wheelchair on some uneven surfaces that the wheelchair would have gotten stuck on. Still, when we got to the restaurant and she realized I was heading to the washroom, she asked if she should come and help me. Honestly, I think my friend and I were more embarrassed for the girl than I was affected by the comment. It really was about not understanding that someone who uses a wheelchair CAN be independent. Can toilet independently. Can walk sometimes (for some people, anyway). Can work. Can get around relatively independently. Can live a relatively normal life.

Yet, I think this is a common misconception regarding disabilities. There are many people who assume that as soon as someone has difficulty walking or uses a wheelchair, they need help with everything. When I was younger, someone also offered to actually wipe my butt for me. She made this comment in public, in a restaurant. At that time, I was very indignant. Offended. I couldn't believe my ears! Don't get me wrong, having help sometimes is a really good thing. When it's done for the reason of 'I want to do this for you because I love you and I'm doing something special' or when there genuinely is a need, it's definitely a good thing. At the same time, it needs to be invited, or there needs to be an understanding between friends as to what kind of help is beneficial and welcomed. There also needs to be an understanding that sometimes people do nice things for others just because they care - the person receiving the help needs to accept this too. It's kind of like the opening doors for ladies concept or the opening / closing car doors for the ladies concept. Chivalry at its finest. I think people want to be helpful. They want to be nice. Sometimes they go too far and it becomes an insult.

Going back to the situation today, the underlying statement made when offering help to use the toilet is that the person offering assistance believes the person can't function independently at the most basic level. This is often seen as an insult unless the person knows the situation and help is required and welcomed. The same thing happens for people with disabilities when they go to a coffee shop. They are all ready to order their drink, but so often, if they are together with someone else, they are completely ignored and the person they are with is asked for both drink orders. It's dehumanizing. It's humiliating. It's ignorance at its finest.

For me, I've come to live with this. I no longer feel dehumanized or humiliated. At times, I am indignant, though. Instead, I often wonder at how people can have such poor understanding of disability. Even if I physically couldn't carry my drink, I'd still want to be asked what my order is rather than being talked over. (Again, this is situation dependent because sometimes people do order drinks for other people - especially when treating someone). Sometimes I make comments to help educate. Sometimes I make comments that may come off as more rude than helpful. Sometimes I let it go - like today. Today, I felt like the person just really didn't get it, but explaining it would only embarrass her. That wasn't my intention today. She genuinely wanted to help. She genuinely wanted to do whatever she could. She seemed vulnerable in her own way, which may have been one of my assumptions. I just don't need that kind of help and I kindly told her I'm ok and can manage without assistance. And she was ok with that.

Puzzle Pieces

I was doing some reflection over the past couple days about things that excite me, and trying to figure out what my gifts are (as in personal and spiritual gifts, not the material kinds of gifts). Another way to put it is strengths or personal attributes. This was in follow up to a conversation with the youth pastor who asked me if I feel my gifts are being fully utilized in helping out with the youth group. The question prompted me to think about what excites me, what my strengths are, and what areas I want to grow in. My response at the time was, "I don't know what my gifts are and if you have any feedback or observations, please let me know".

I've done many 'spiritual gifts' tests before. Discernment comes out on top every time. Shepherd and Mercy come out near the top most times too. Encouragement is usually in the top 5 as is Teaching. Although one that separated teaching into different categories put me more in a facilitation type of teaching category than preaching (thankfully - as I don't think I'm much of a preacher). This list doesn't include talents and skills.

In thinking, I realized a few things that I enjoy about helping out with the youth. I enjoy getting to know the kids. I enjoy it when I see them starting to trust me and talking about stuff in their lives. I enjoy it when I've shared something and it seems to resonate with them. I enjoy connecting with those who seem to be on the outside, not really fitting in with the popular crowd. And I enjoy the laughter and laid back atmosphere. Is this using my skills to their potential? Well, maybe a set of skills - relating to people and having the ability to help people feel comfortable around me. I will say, though, it seemed to take a really long time before the girls seemed to feel comfortable. The guys seemed comfortable right away. I don't know the reasoning behind that. Even now, I think it depends on the different kids. Some seem more open to connecting with others, or rather, with adults. And I'm ok with that. I also enjoy connecting over things that we have in common ... like watching Bones. :)

So what about other strengths, abilities, and personal traits? I can facilitate small groups and maybe larger groups. I seem to enjoy doing this more with youth and adults than young kids. Kids are fun, don't get me wrong. I just like to have intelligent conversations with people. I haven't done a lot of facilitating large groups to know whether that is a strength. I don't tend to lean towards outright teaching - I prefer more the facilitation approach where people need to explore what they think and believe and apply it to situations in real-life. Yet, I wonder if in some ways, that takes more planning because things can really go one way or the other. And you have to go with the flow but have the ability to redirect if it really goes off topic. I can teach or lecture using a PowerPoint, but still, I tend to make that more small group discussions and overseeing that. I know I don't like doing a lot of the little details work. Leave that to other people, I figure. :) I don't mind delegating those tasks and I'm quite good at that. Considering all the moves I've made (house to house), I'd better be good at coordinating and delegating as I can't actually do the lifting and moving of furniture and boxes. I like being creative, whether that's doing photography, making music, painting, or even colouring. I also have the ability to discern when things seem to be going well or not and when people seem to be struggling more than other times. I have learned about behaviour issues and how to deal with different things with my professional training. I also have a good foundation in mental health issues to be able to listen, provide some direction and counselling and suggest some good resources. Within the youth group scenario, I'm more likely to make sure they are safe and bring in other resources if serious situations arise. Otherwise, hmm ... if any of you have ideas of other skills or abilities or strengths that fit with working with the youth, please let me know. There may be more but at the moment, I can't think of others.

Something else I've realized lately that I really enjoy - connecting with people from different cultures. Last night, I spent the evening with a couple friends - an relatively new friend and a brand new friend - from Latin American countries. We had a lot of fun playing Rook, eating pizza, listening to Latin music, and just hanging out. They asked some questions about correct grammar and we talked about how to use different words in different situations. A friend from Winnipeg who came to Canada several years ago from Peru has been strongly suggesting the relatively new friend connect with me to practise English. This friend suggested I should be on her speed dial in case she has questions about business language or other English language usage. See, that's what I've been helping my Peruvian friend with for a few years after she became fluent in English. I edited a lot of her university papers including her thesis. So the friend here invited another friend. These friends would like to get together with me regularly - to practise English one time, and teach me Spanish the next, developing a cycle. We had a lot of fun together and I realized, I really enjoy getting to know about other cultures, helping them with their English, and learning their language as well. It's something I'm good at. It's also something that is fun and something where I can make good connections and introduce people to Canadian life, meanwhile acknowledging their culture.

I got a call today from a nursing student who found my business website. She wanted my take on a situation and wanted to learn about the Occupational Therapy perspective on working with people who are homeless. She also wanted to know what a medical team can do to help people who are homeless. We had a good, long conversation. I left that conversation feeling excited - about having the ability to teach and share my knowledge and experience, about strongly encouraging getting to know the patient's desires and advocating for the patient, and about the fact people are starting to learn about me outside my current professional network. Teaching, particularly mentoring or small group teaching, or teaching about topics I'm passionate about does excite me.

So, I need to evaluate some things. I'm involved in a lot outside work and I need to find balance. I also need to figure out what I'm called to do. I love connecting with people and, if possible, somehow influencing them in a positive way to make positive changes in their lives. I do like teaching - where I see people hungry for information and wanting to learn about things that matter. I loved teaching the mental health course at SAIT. I love music - playing, facilitating the process of playing music, and listening to music. I think respect is so important in all these situations - a mutual respect. Building connections and having mutual respect is where I flourish.

I also need to take care of myself and know what I can take on and still be healthy. I need to make sure I am taking care of my physical body as well - getting the right nutrients, exercising, resting and sleeping. I did not do well with this piece in the past and it's important to stay healthy. I also want to (and need to) make sure I'm still building into the relationships I have right now and ones that develop.

This next part of my journey will be trying to make sense of things. Getting the puzzle pieces to fit and possibly setting aside puzzle pieces that don't fit. It may involve setting aside some puzzle pieces for now, and fitting them in later when the picture is more clear.Or making them all fit and still making a beautiful picture. It will be a challenge. Prioritizing and seeking God's direction will be key. This is a puzzle I look forward to piecing together.

*If you do have any feedback on where you see gifts or strengths - whether that's affirming what I've already seen or whether it's something I haven't, please feel free to comment. Also, if you have any other comments, feel free to leave them. Thanks.

Orchestrating the Composition of Life

Something I've realized, or that's been emphasized over an over recently - a key theme in my life is that God Orchestrates my life! It's been encouraging to look back and see how God has orchestrated in my life. Sometimes those apparently not-so-good things actually lead to a pretty beautiful outcome! Speaking in music terms, when things don't seem to be going well, maybe those are the times when the chords in life are minor, or diminished, or sustained. Those chords eventually resolve into a major chord. These chords add to the composition of life, making it beautiful and interesting. I do believe that 2010 was more of the unresolved piece of the composition and that 2011 could be the more peaceful or the more jubilant sections of the composition.

2010 was a long, difficult year and I can only hope for a better year in 2011. As one of my friends wished me, "May 2011 be the year of connection and contentment for you". I have felt quite disconnected, lonely, frustrated and discouraged this year and have had a sense of lack of direction. Like nothing is moving anywhere fast.

At the same time, many people have encouraged me and been there for me. I've seen my church take care of me when I needed it most. I've also been connected with some pretty amazing people who have provided support and helped me process through stuff to help me get my business going. It's been a year of trusting and scraping the barrel ... but in every situation, God provided! Most often, at the last minute. Which is where trusting and believing comes in, a clear theme for the year 2010.  This is also part of how my life is being orchestrated. Timing is everything! And knowing that, believing that, has allowed me to relax even when things were tight.

Music has become a big part of my life this year and I really hope it continues. It's been good getting more involved with music, including the start of "Lazarus", getting involved in Samba, and playing / performing with one of my friends both in a small church and in open jams. I've gotten to know more people through this too, which has been really good.

This year, I've had some spiritual revelations as well. God is Creator - he's creative! And we're made in his image. We all need to exercise creativity and appreciate His creativity! I'm all about that! :D God also desires to fulfill our desires. Yes, in fact, it's good to dream. He has given us many of the desires we have. I do need to remember to be content in whatever situation I'm in, though - whether that is being single, living in Calgary or elsewhere, being unemployed (but still trying to do something about that), or whatever the situation might be.

I do look forward to what God has in store for me. I feel like I have a lot going on so I hope I find a way to have good balance and prioritize well. I continue to desire to feel connected and have deep personal relationships. I also look forward, with a little bit of fear (due to uncertainty), to where my career will go. I've started a business but it takes a long time to build up. I started a job but it is also casual at this point and I don't know if I will have steady income beyond this month. I can see how it fits well with long term dreams and passions. I'm thankful, though, for what I have. I realize I have a deep passion to work with people who are marginalized or who have mental health issues (or both) and I have a passion to teach.

A thought I have focused on lately is the importance of encouraging and building people up. Too often, it is easy to cut others down or criticize them. I want to make a real effort to stop myself from criticizing and make a habit of building others up instead.

So, for 2011, I look forward to the musical composition of my life unfolding. I'm sure there will some interesting notes and chords that, upon first hearing them, won't sound good. Some dissonance that doesn't seem to fit, but when mixed in with the rest of the song, will sound beautiful. I expect there will be jubilant and vibrant parts and maybe some peaceful parts. I'm hoping for a least some steady rhythms for a while. Maybe a few skipped beats of joy. :)

Letting Go Is Fearing Less and Loving More

You know, it's funny. Well, not really. Maybe ironic. I'm not sure what the best word is. When I did my drive to and from Manitoba this summer, I came to the realization that I was at a turning point. I don't really know what that turning point is leading to. But I knew change was coming. I also knew that my relationships would change in the next while. That part, I wasn't exactly welcoming. Changes regarding employment was what I was hoping for. I do seem to be getting some work. I also see that having a business will take a huge amount of work and I will need a lot of encouragement along the way to keep it up. Change is an uncomfortable place to be, although at the time when I was doing the long drive, I actually was excited about the change and felt refreshed and ready to go.

Right now, though, I'm feeling a sense of trepidation. Of once again losing the way of life that I have known for the last while. I'm sure some really good things will come of this. It's hard to let go of the way life was, even though aspects of it haven't been the best. Right now, I'm seeing that relationships with so many people in my life are changing. I like the way things were. The places where we were at. The sense of normalcy. The mutual, sometimes unspoken but realized, expectations. But, now, I'm not so sure that was even the case. Or maybe we're in different places. I liked the comfort of knowing I had some regular social plans. Now, I don't have that. With anyone. I miss the one-on-ones. Not that I've lost any relationships. But life seems to bring change and I can't control it.  And I guess we need to roll with the punches. And sometimes, these changes could lead to even stronger relationships. But sometimes it means drifting apart and opening the door for something else or someone else. I don't know which it will be. Which is sad and hard.

I have to believe that there is a purpose in this. Maybe it's to give me the opportunity to meet new people. Or to prepare me for something. I hate it that things have to be difficult to get prepared for another phase in life. The time of transition sucks. And I wonder what that next phase will look like.

At the same time, I know I should look forward to the good things in life. For example, I realized this weekend that in the last few months, I seem to be spending time with people that, a year and a half ago, were hardly in my life at all. If I had even met them.  It's a far cry from spending time mostly with my close-knit Christian circle. Not that some of these people don't share my beliefs or similar beliefs. It's been a few years since I've spent time with people with diverse backgrounds and lifestyles. And, to be honest, if I remember correctly, I talked to God about this -- that I was feeling a little sheltered and that I really felt I wanted me to spread my wings. To get out out of my little bubble. I also felt affirmed in this by him. There's a newness to this. Some unpredictability. But, in a way, a loneliness, as I don't feel very close to anyone right now. It's hard to see some of these friends make some choices that you know are harming them. To remember just to love them. It's different than my close-knit bubble. It's also different from the predictableness I've experienced over the last year and more in my relationships. Maybe that's what I needed then. And, maybe this is where I'm headed now. I don't want to let go of those relationships. Maybe they can grow in an exciting new direction. And maybe I can enjoy both the new and the old. I hope so. Whatever way, I want to be at peace with the new directions in my life and enjoy the present with an element of appreciating what was and looking forward to what is to come.

This weekend, though, I really enjoyed myself. Except for my small group this evening, everyone I spent time with was someone that has really only taken a bigger part in my life over the last while. In this time of change, I hope I do not compromise and make poor choices. I think about this as, this morning, I was not in a good place. I struggled with finding a purpose to even go to church. I was tired. I was discouraged. I wasn't throwing away my faith, but I couldn't think of a single reason why it would be a good idea to go. It felt a bit like a rut without purpose. That's not the way it should be. I ended up going for two reasons - I was up already and I made plans with someone for lunch who was planning to be there (who turned out to not be there). To be honest, I couldn't concentrate and I felt like it was a waste of time being there for the first while. I was happy to be holding my friend's baby who was happily drooling all over me and the chair next to me. Which is probably why I went out to the back of the church to walk around for a bit after the baby got fussy and went back to mum.  I'm glad I went. I ended up having a conversation with someone, during the service actually (while doing my little walk), who seemed to really need to talk. I really couldn't tell you what the service was about although I do remember the passage of scripture that was on the powerpoint. Psalm 139. Today, I think this conversation was my purpose in going.

It's so hard to let go of what I know, though. No, I'm not saying good-bye. But I'm also realizing relationships and circumstances change. There are seasons and fluctuations, even for friendships. Even within those, I've come to realize that although I have concerns at times, people have to make their own choices whether it's good for them or not. My role is to love them the best I can. I guess, who's to say it won't end up good for them? I have to trust that in the end it will. And the reality is, at times I have to concede to the fact I don't have the ability to control the ways things go. Again, the coming and going, the seasons, the fluctations in life. I came across a friend's blog entry today where someone posted a poem by an unknown author that really resonated with this idea and what I've been thinking about lately as a whole. Taking this in another direction, but also something I've been thinking about - this poem is about loving others - but can also be about loving yourself. Taking the attitude of the poem, you are showing love to yourself and acknowledging you really have worth. Here's the poem.

Letting go takes love.
Letting go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t take responsibility for someone else.
Letting go is not cutting others off, but the realization I can’t control others.
Letting go is not enabling but allowing others to learn from natural consequences.
Letting go is admitting powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
Letting go is not to try to change or blame another; it is making the most of myself.
Letting go is not to care for, but rather it is caring about others.
Letting go is not to diagnose but to support.
Letting go is not judging others but is allowing them to be a fallible human being.
Letting go refuses to arrange or guarantee results and allows others to make choices that determine their own destinies.
Letting go refuses to protect others from reality but encourages one to face the facts.
Letting go refuses to nag, scold, or argue but instead searches out my own shortcomings and corrects them.
Letting go is not regretting the past but growing and living for the future.
Letting go is fearing less and loving more.
– Author unknown.

My edited version about loving yourself:

Letting go takes love.
Letting go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t take responsibility for someone else.
Letting go is not cutting others off, but the realization I can’t control others.
Letting go is not allowing others to enable me but allowing myself to learn from natural consequences.
Letting go is admitting powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
Letting go is not to try to change or blame another; it is making the most of myself.
Letting go is not to care for, but rather it is caring about others.
Letting go is not to be critical about myself but to support and look for the good things.
Letting go is not judging myself but allowing me to be a fallible human being.
Letting go refuses to arrange or guarantee results and allows me to make choices that determine my own destiny.
Letting go refuses to protect myself from reality but encourages me to face the facts.
Letting go refuses to nag, scold, or argue but instead searches out my own shortcomings and corrects them.
Letting go is not regretting the past but growing and living for the future.
Letting go is fearing less and loving more.
– Author Unknown, Revised by Patti Plett

Be Careful, Handle With Care

This week, my friend's daughter called after me 'Be Careful!' when I was doing something.  She had heard her parents say this often around the new baby and probably in a number of other situations.  It was pretty funny. Cute and funny.
I also watched one of my favourite movies, 'Unbreakable'.  This is a movie about a man who has Osteogenesis Imperfecta, or OI. Although the man in this movie has some pretty significant mental health issues, there are times I can relate to him.  My condition has many similarities to OI, but mostly, that my bones break very easily.  'Be Careful' is something I've heard all my life and it's become a part of my life now.  Always needing to be careful, but I know I have to live and not be focused on the possibility of injury all the time. And, I think I do - I enjoy life and experiences. I had a doctor once that told me I need to live - that I need to take risks sometimes and I can't avoid life experiences (the example was a 4 day canoe trip) just because I might get hurt.

Which brings me to the book I was reading this week, "Handle with Care" by Jodi Picoult.  I started reading it a few weeks ago, then put it down.  I wasn't sure I'd finish it. It hit too close to home for me.  This book is also about someone who has OI.  A young girl, about 6 years old.  The book describes pretty graphically some of her breaks.  That's probably the part that gets me most as this is something I often think about.  I tend to imagine it all too well when I read something like that.  But, more than the breaks, the book is somewhat disturbing because the mother initiates a wrongful birth lawsuit. It appears, at least originally, that the lawsuit is solely about getting a large sum of money to be able to care for the daughter. In some ways, I understand where she's coming from.  They live in the US where healthcare does not cover many of the health related expenses.  Our health care system doesn't either, but it's certainly better than the American system.  For example, the medication I take is not covered by the health care system in all provinces (not the one I live in - wait, no meds are covered by the province here unless you're on social assistance or other government money).  But, it's also a medication that's not covered by all insurance plans.  There are other expenses, too, like mobility equipment, maintenance of it, and buying some things that make life a little safer or easier. Or ensuring housing is accessible enough. In the US, where the book is set, there are many more health related expenses that our healthcare system covers. The family was in debt way over their heads just covering surgeries, casts, and other medically necessary equipment. The mother wanted to provide for her daughter and a lawsuit seemed to be the way to go. At first it seemed like the lawsuit was all about money. I don't agree this is the way to go, but I can see, in desperate situations, how else will they cover the medical expenses that will add up.  It was predicted to cost $30,000 per year for every year the girl lives. But the lawsuit cost a lot more.  A lost friendship.  Family problems from every angle. A sibling feeling unloved and turning to self harm and binging/purging. As you get further in the book, though, it turns out, the mother had considered the idea of abortion and continued to wonder what her life would have been like had she gone through with it throughout the life of the little girl.  Would things have been different or better had she not been born? Would it have been better for her little girl to not have suffered the way she did?  In many ways, it felt like the mother was selfish. Yet, she championed for her girl.  Fought for preventative measures.  She knew the medical system inside and out and knew what to do when 'breaks' happened.  She loved her daughter deeply. It's just hard for me to grasp the idea that it's ok to say the girl shouldn't have been born at all, even if it was 'just to get money'. What makes it worse is the girl heard her mother say this. What kind of message does this send the child?

This book also made me think about my own family.  What it was like when I was growing up.  I don't know how my sisters reacted, really, to the fact I was in and out of the hospital so much, or the fact my bones were breaking so often. In many ways, that was just life. The way I knew it, anyway. Overall, I think I was a happy child. I had to be so careful and couldn't roughhouse, or play outside. That was hard and lonely sometimes. Was it hard on my sisters?  I know I got more attention than them sometimes because of my breaks.  I know that my younger sister was quite protective of me - standing up for me when people teased me, holding my hand when I walked outside.  We're pretty close in age. I'm sure she sacrificed a lot, maybe even without knowing it.  I lived through her, though.  I loved watching her play sports.  I knew I couldn't, but it was a way to be part of things.  I wasn't that close to my older sister when I was young, but I attribute that to our age difference. I'm sure she made sacrifices, too. And, what was it like for my parents? I know my mom was quite overprotective (or so it felt), but in reading this book, it helped me understand a little better why she was the way she was.  I often resented not being allowed to go outside to play with the rest of the kids, although I do understand, and, to be honest, I didn't linger on it long at the time.  I just found something else to do. And I wonder what it was like for my parents to live in fear all the time that I might 'break', as the book puts it. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

I think I had some irrational fears, too, that developed out of the fear of broken bones.  I was so terrified of any animal that moved, even if they were harmless, like a kitty.  Dogs were the worst. I was afraid they'd jump on me and push me over and I'd end up in the hospital again. Now, fortunately, I do like dogs. I read that people who have conditions like OI (although mine is not OI, but GO - Geroderma Osteodysplastica) often experience anxiety and develop some unnatural behaviours to try to protect themselves from getting hurt.  I'm sure I have done this.  I certainly experience anxiety at times when I think about ice, for example. It was evident the author did her research and I was happy to learn that people who have OI can and do have children. Again, I don't have OI, but GO is similar in the brittle bones department. I also feel like I can relate to the girl in the story.  I remember kind of going into shock after some particularly bad breaks, doing a weird shiver. Being so cold.  I also remember being on the outside in school, never quite fitting in. I had to sit out of gym class and had to do physio exercises instead.  Kids were assigned to play with me.  To stay in at recess.  I had friends when the weather was cold or ugly. On nicer days, nobody wanted to be my friend. I was a bit of a showcase, particularly in the hospital, but also in school and other places at times. Also, because I couldn't run and play like the other kids, I read a lot.  I grew in my vocabulary and in odd facts.  I learned to understand Plaut Dietsche fluently because I spent so much time with adults. I learned to enjoy figuring things out mechanically or logically.  I also excelled at playing music. It wasn't until maybe Gr. 5 when I started to have friends who stuck by me and actually wanted to be with me. For me, school got better as I went from elementary to junior high to high school to university.  I'm sure that's not typical, but that's the way it was for me.

After reading the book, I also felt quite blessed.  My condition doesn't seem to be as severe as OI.  Most of my breaks have not been major.  Yes, they're set backs and it sucks when it happens. I do live in fear that it will happen again, but I also can live at peace.  I've learned to relax and just 'be'.  My trust in God to provide has grown immensely in the past few years. I noticed this particularly the last time I 'broke'. It wasn't a major break but it was a set back of a few weeks. I seem to have gotten stronger as I got older. I'm also very glad that I don't remember many of my breaks.  I think the majority happened when I was quite young. I'm also glad for a supportive family that stayed together.  Although my parents may not have known of my diagnosis before I was born, I'm glad they didn't consider the idea of abortion. I have had a good life so far, overall. Yes, there have been set backs and some difficult times. There have been some really good times and experiences too. I'm also thankful for my faith and trust in God.  That has gotten me through some very difficult and lonely times. Like the little girl in the book, I generally maintain a positive attitude and see the positives in others and in situations. I believe things happen the way they do for a reason, even if we don't understand it always or right away.

As far as recommending the book, it depends on why you want to read it.  If you want to get a glimpse of what life is like for someone with OI or other brittle bone conditions, it may be somewhat educational, but keep in mind it's fiction and not entirely accurate. If you want a really good story, you might want to pick a different book.  If you want a book that could potentially make you angry, this is a good one  if you feel strongly about issues brought up in the book. One friend who read it commented the book evoked strong emotions of anger, particularly as she was pregnant at the time she was reading it. It does bring to light the experience of knowing your baby has a strong chance of not living beyond birth or facing significant disability if the child survives. For me, I had mixed feelings about the book.  In some ways, it might give you a tiny glimpse into some things I experienced, but at the same time, my experience was and is quite different.  It's definitely a 'drama' type of story.  The whole idea of a wrongful birth lawsuit is still something I struggle with. If you've read this author's other books, there seems to be a trend in the way she writes.  She writes as if writing letters to the character with the issue (in this case, OI).  When reading the book, I felt like the author was setting up the idea that the girl would die.  It felt a little predictable. Why else would they be writing to her? I won't say whether she does here, but what else is someone to think when it is so obvious the young girl doesn't have sections in the book. Mind you, her young age could maybe explain that. I was surprised I hardly got emotional when reading the book, actually.  I think it would have been different had a good chunk been written from the perspective of the little girl. Mind you, she might have had a much more positive outlook on life. At times, it felt like the book didn't really flow, and I still don't know why there were recipes every few chapters, other than that the mother was a baker. But, overall, it was a decent book. Maybe 3/5.

Unfocused

I'm feeling unfocused, and it's not a comfortable feeling.  I've always had things to strive towards. I've always been goal oriented.  When someone said I couldn't do something, that's what I wanted to try to do.  Like driving a car.  Or going to Australia.  Or becoming an Occupational Therapist. Usually those things were things I wanted to do beforehand, so it wasn't a rebellious type of reaction. I've been unemployed now for about 10 months.  I know life isn't all about work or school. In areas outside of that, things are going well.  I enjoy my relationships and I'm liking my new place to live. But, somehow, I wonder if I'm wasting time.  I sit here, just past noon, and I feel like I haven't done anything of value today.  Yes, I read for quite a while. I reviewed some of my friends' blogs.  I got the mail and read the important pieces. I looked at some postings. Sometimes I hear comments from people about what I do all day.  I can't quite tell if it's in a judging tone, but I guess that doesn't matter.  Somehow I find things to do.  I'm rarely bored these days, which is so amazing actually.  This time being unemployed has helped me slow down in life which was probably a good thing.  But I do get restless. I feel unproductive.  I feel like I don't have an aim. A goal.

I feel like I need to take some time to reflect.  To just sit with myself and think about what it is I really want.  To spend time in prayer to try to figure that out.  And then let the processing happen. I tend to busy myself doing other things because it feels more productive.  I really like the idea of a flexible schedule which comes with having my own business. I feel like I haven't put enough effort into building that up.  At the same time, I feel like I don't know where to start.  I know I just need to do something. Start with making some calls or something.  At the same time, I know businesses take a long time to get up and going.  Because of that, I feel I need a job to make ends meet. I need to know what I'm going to focus on in my business and figure out what I will do for marketing. So much to think about but again, where do I start? And how do I figure out the best plan - what kind of work is meaningful and also brings in money? There's a lot I'd like to do but there's no money in it and I have to make a living.

I also keep on applying to positions and there are some really interesting positions out there.  I don't know anymore whether I should focus on getting a job or on the business.  I don't know if it's possible to focus on both.  It seems that I'm not getting calls on 'OT' positions but I do get some calls on the unofficial OT type positions. However, in those cases, it's double the work - I need to convince the interviewers that I would be the best fit - my educational background, my skills set, my disability, my experience. They don't set out to hire an OT so they need to know what an OT does.  They also need to see that I'm the best fit for their position. I still get EI, and at the moment, my ends are being met, albeit having to watch my spending. But maybe I should find a part-time office job that covers my basic costs so I can focus on my business?  I might be able to relax a bit more. Also, with an office job, I wouldn't be tempted to become too comfortable staying in that type of role. But then, again, I wouldn't have the time to look for OT type opportunities or places to use my OT skills.

So, that being said, I feel like my energies are spread around but not focused on a specific thing.  I feel unproductive. And I feel like I don't have direction in life. Maybe I don't know what my purpose is in life.  Or maybe I don't even know what my dreams and gifts are. That kind of information would be helpful in making a plan.