Finding Balance

As an occupational therapist, I talk with my clients regularly about finding balance. Yet, why is this so hard for me?

I find myself exhausted so often because I don't want to miss out. Because I want to show that I am not "less than" others - that I can keep up despite having physical limitations. Because I want to be good at what I do. Because ... because ...

I also don't want to believe that my body is getting older. That it's failing me. That I can't do what I once used to be able to do.

And that is sad for me. Hard for me.

And when I read this paragraph, I realize this is all about me. And, in many ways, is actually detrimental. Pushing myself beyond what is healthy ... and for what? It doesn't even fit with my values and what I say is important. I value my faith. I value my marriage. I value relationships. I value family. I value building into others' lives. I value some down time - to read, to pray, to journal, to create, to enjoy nature and take pictures. I value education. I value integrity and doing the best I can. I value my health. I value independence in an interdependent way - no person is an island and we need to live in communion with others (on a side note, sometimes this is a hard balance for me to find as independence has been a strong factor in my life).

But I've been setting up a comparison - trying to prove myself. To show the world that people with disabilities can do as much as someone without. Trying to show that I can 'be someone'. Trying to do more than I am able to. Trying to gain expertise and gain respect. But that's not what life is about. It doesn't fit with my beliefs. I'm not putting God first - and listening to the prompts about what I should be doing. And not listening to my body and setting boundaries. I'm not asking myself - does this activity / this thought pattern / this way that I'm spending my energy - fit with my values?

Yet, how do I continue to reach towards my goals and, alternatively, know which goals I need to let go of. Which goals do I need to focus on because they are shared between my husband and me? How do I find my balance now? And then when we adopt, how do I build on that balance and incorporate what I've learned to maintain good life balance that fits with my values? My hope is that some things will just jump out as obvious and that some things that I have time for now that I won't have time for then with be easy to let go of.  If it's not obvious, how will I know what to let go of and what to put my energy into? How do I make sure my body is operating at its optimum for where it can operate? Part of me fears that I will fail. That I won't have the energy to be the mom I want to be. What if I can't keep the house clean? Or get moving quick enough in the morning to make sure everyone gets to where they need to? What if I end up focusing too much on the tasks, and then not put the energy into my relationships - my marriage, and when we adopt - the relationship with our child. Thankfully, I am part of a pair - my husband and I are in this together. And we will get things done and we will stand by each other.

Things that exhaust me include: going, going, going for days in a row. Long drives - as in full long days that come after a week or more of really busy life. Long work days. Working every day outside the home. Having too much clutter around me (which is nearly impossible to shift because I need to be able to reach things and we have very few low storage options in our home and getting new ones that work in our space costs hundreds of dollars). I get exhausted when I am around others and I don't fit in - trying to figure out how to fit in. I get exhausted when I try to problem solve things that are difficult in life and the answers don't seem to be realistic. I worry when finances are tight. I worry about my family 2 provinces away. In these situations, I worry too much which consumes energy. When this happens, I need to relax a little more and know that we can operate on the plan we have come up with and that things have worked out in the past. And I need to rest in God as there are some things that I can't change.

I am energized when I teach. But then am exhausted after, particularly after a few days in a row of intense, large group teaching. Yet I still love it. I am energized when I see the impact of my work on clients. My role, however, requires long hours at times. In the moments, though, I love it! And the flexibility and autonomy is worth SO much! So, how do I find balance within my work?

I need to find ways to take better care of my body. Continuing to get good sleep. Gentle exercise. Sacrificing money to get massages. Eating well.

I need to also continue to make sure I put energy into keeping our marriage good. That takes effort, as it does for everyone.

One thing I've learned in life, though, is that change is constant. And life balance will fluctuate. I need to be my own OT and figure out what I can do to maintain wellness so I don't overdo things - and to make sure I am doing things that are meaningful. And make sure we, as a family, are doing meaningful things together. And have the courage to set limits and say 'no' when I need to. That I do things that fit with my values.

"For fast acting relief, try slowing down" ~ Lily Tomlin

So much has changed over the past year!

Wow! It's been so long since I last blogged! One year ago to the day, my husband and I 'officially' became a couple. We met the summer before (August 2014) at my cousin's place for a bonfire night and began talking, but not often at that point. Following a trip to Ottawa last February where we spent time together in person (rather than by skype or other electronic format), we began talking about the possibility of an 'us'. He is from Ontario and I'm from Manitoba, but we met in Calgary.

It seemed like once we knew we wanted to be a couple, we had a pretty good idea that things were moving towards marriage. A few more trips between Ontario and Alberta, with a quick trip to Manitoba in between, and we were planning our wedding.

We got married in October and had a lovely fall wedding in a halfway point between Ontario and Alberta. Hopefully I WILL post a few pictures of our wedding, but I can't post a long entry today.

God has truly blessed us and it feels like we are the missing puzzle pieces of the bigger picture God has for us. He fit for me and I fit for him. And looking at us together, you might never know! He is over 6 feet tall and I am about 4'6". All along the journey, we saw God working and He made it clear that we should be together.

I have exciting things on the go as well. The reason I can't post a long entry is that tonight, I had set aside time to prepare for the course I will be teaching in May. It is on community-based occupational therapy in the field of mental health. The course will focus on engaging clients that are at times more challenging to engage. I've taught most of this before, but I still have a lot of prep work to do and need to write out the assignments and marking rubric for the course. Additionally, I will be a panel member in an extended session at the CAOT conference in Banff in April. I have prep work for that too. On top of that, we are moving from a small condo to a 3 bedroom bungalow. This house will allow us to do some of the things we are passionate about. It will also eliminate the need to walk a long flight of stairs each day to get to and from the car. We are moving in about 2 weeks - and haven't started packing yet! That's because it was finalized while we were on holidays - of which we just returned this weekend!

In the meantime, my husband is looking for meaningful occupation(s) here in Calgary, whether that will end up doing more volunteering, getting part-time work or full-time work, or all of the above. We would love to get into fostering or even being supportive roommates for individuals who need extra support in their day to day living - or both, as the new house has a fully legal suite downstairs. This new house has the possibility for us to do just that!

We don't know where God will all lead us. But we know that God is in control and that He WILL provide and guide us.

Trust and Listen

It's a new year, and lots happened in 2014 - some hard, some exciting, some just plain new! I sense an exciting year of wonderful things to come! Last year, the words that were a theme for me were Grace and Acceptance, and while I think those are still things I strive for - in particular, grace and acceptance for myself and for others - I've grown a lot in those areas. This year, I felt God telling me to Listen and to Trust. Maybe these were actions I leaned on a lot at the end of 2014, but in doing so, I was blessed so much! I took risks like transferring to a new job that could only guarantee me 3 days a week when I was working 4 (and now have been on average working 4 - 5 days a week), accepting a nomination to be on a committee that takes me to Ottawa a few times a year, meeting new people, and beginning to connect on a deeper level with some people in my life to name a few. I have seen the power of listening to God's prompting and then trusting that there is a reason and that it may even be a really good thing for me and those I meet in the new situations So, in going forward in 2015, I get the sense God wants me to listen ad trust Him in taking the risks He is calling me to. That these risks - whatever they might be - are part of his bigger plan. Maybe they will be small. And maybe they will seem insignificant to many of those around me. In reality, I think we all take little risks - and when we don't, we become stale. Stuck in a rut. This year, I don't feel like I'm entering the year in a rut and I like that.

It really was a huge deal for me to quit the job that was stable, consistent, paid my bills, and safe - to work in an environment that most people fear and question why I'd want to do that kind of work. Yet it's rewarding. Sometimes it's sad. Sometimes my heart just goes out to my clients and I hurt for them - for the fact they fear re-engaging with society and that they fear getting ill again and doing the same things they did in the past. It's hard to see them back in the hospital again when it happens. And it's a joy to see them take small (and bigger) risks and be successful! I don't think I cared as much when I worked at the hospital. Now, I see these people regularly. I coach them. I teach them. I listen. And they are not just some patient that comes back over and over where all I get to do is assess and make recommendations. I still do some of that, but even those are more involved. I think I knew I needed to move on when I had the opportunities to really connect with patients and see them through thick and thin and when I knew this was a rarity - something that really usually isn't part of working in a hospital.

The other changes in my life - new people, getting back into doing music, new experiences, new professional aquaintances and roles (outside of my job) - it's exciting. I feel excited about my future. It's been a while since I've been excited about my future. I think I allowed myself to get in a rut and I don't want that to happen for a while. Like the quote on my blog main page goes, "Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow to new heights. ~ Pauline R. Kezer

Another quote I came across, although I don't know who said it - "Go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is".  Going out on a limb can be scary. It waves around and is not always stable and most certainly is risky. But the reward comes with being vulnerable and putting yourself out there where you might get hurt or turned on your backside. But if you get the reward ... yummy! Haha. :D

Work Life Changes

I've take n a leap of faith and accepted a position that is only officially a 0.6 FTE (going down from 0.8 FTE). The job had been posted before and I was interested but just couldn't bring myself to apply for a 0.6 position. This time, however, I responded to an email about the position where it suggested the position might increase to full time so I took a risk and emailed to find out more about the programs. Long story, short - I am now working in this new role. It's an exciting role that looks like it will include a more grassroots approach than inpatient psychiatry. I also have a lot of autonomy to make the role fit for the clients and the organization as a whole. Who knows, with time, maybe there will be an occupational therapy team rather than just me! But that would be  a long ways off. The good news around the FTE aspect, it looks like my hours will increase (albeit not an official increase in the position hours itself). There is lots to learn, but I also believe I have lots to bring to the table as well. I have started to make connections and build rapport with some of the clients which will be a very important component to successful interventions. This population is very marginalized. The ones I'll be working with primarily also have low life skills or lower functioning. It's an exciting time for me career-wise!

Unique. Somewhat bent. Fun. Warm and inviting. With a touch of attitude... Yup that's me!

I came across this picture today on Facebook. It represents me. It makes me happy. It's found at https://www.facebook.com/HorrificFinds?hc_location=timeline. 

I'm unique. I don't stand straight. I've got character and can have a bold presence. I like to have fun and to put on an element of surprise in a good way. I think others think I'm fun. And I'm warm and inviting with a touch of attitude.

I want this in my living room! It would make me happy to see this each day. Especially if sunlight would be flooding the room too. Plus there's something calming about a tick tock clock. Even those words are fun!

Acceptance and Grace

Acceptance and grace ... 2 words I feel God has placed on my heart as a theme for the 2014 year. At first I thought it odd. Then I realized how closely connected these 2 words are. I desire to be a woman of grace. To be a woman of grace, I need to be at peace - with myself and others. I need to accept what I cannot change and have wisdom to make the changes I can and need to. There is so much more to the concept of grace and I'm still learning!

I see that

when I can fully accept myself - my situation, my limitations, my strengths, my desires, my interests, my passions, all of me ... and when I can be gracious with myself ...

And

when I can fully accept others in my life - those who to me feel very judgmental (that is something that really irks me), or those who have hurt me or used me in one way or another, or those who will enter my life or are new to my life - and show grace to them  ...

Then I can truly live at peace.

And I can only get to this point by the grace of God.

I don't see accepting and being full of grace towards others as being as hard as it is to accept me fully - for who I am and all that I am - and being gracious with myself. Then again, in many ways, I hope I don't have to learn this the hard way! For others, I usually forgive quickly. As I am relationally focused, I want to make things right between me and other people so those kinds of things don't usually hang around long. My current struggles are mostly around acknowledging that I have physical limitations that are more so than in the past. I can't go as full-on as I've gone in the past. And believe me, I've been known to be very busy doing all sorts of things. I don't know why now is the time when I am noticing I need to slow down. It is frustrating. I'm mostly ok with my situation. But there are days when I really struggle. I want to do so much more than my body seems to allow me to before it konks out. I'm finding I need to rely on others more than ever. And I most definitely do not want others to see me as 'needy' or 'using' them when I do have needs - whether that is companionship, physical help, or other needs and desires. Sure, I struggle at times with my appearance, but somehow, overall, I'm ok with it. I do what I can to be healthy and to look my best, and I know that others can accept that or not and it's their choice. I've been told I'm Ugly. Fat. Crippled. Look funny. And many ugly words. I have to remember they're just words and the people saying these things are going through their own issues. If they don't accept my appearance or if they discriminate based on my appearance, that's on them. All I can do is accept me for who I am. All of me. And that will still require me to lean on God and allow his grace to wash over me.

That grace, I've noticed, comes in many forms. People in my life. Little things that make me smile. Nature's beauty as a wonderful balm. Conversations I have where I see that God is using me in others' lives - because I am who I am - in my full glory. :) [said with some jest, but also in sincerity as I do believe that as a Christian, I reflect God's glory]. I am continually surprised and feel blessed when others come to talk to me because they see me as someone who listens. Who has good advice when needed, or is just willing to listen or, if they'd like, to pray with them. I see so many wonderful opportunities to connect with others - and sometimes I think these opportunities come BECAUSE I need some help and someone has stepped up. We end up having such wonderful conversations.

So, in my year of exploring what it means to fully accept myself and be gracious to myself and in my exploration of what it means to fully accept, love, and be gracious to others, I am filled with excitement. I think this year will hold many wonderful - and probably some not-so-wonderful experiences. I look forward to studying God's word, reading books that teach me about these topics (and as a side note - so often I end up picking up a book that brings out the themes that I am experiencing without even realizing it), and learning about grace and acceptance in my relationships. I think I will come out on the other end more at peace. And maybe, I will even exude some of what the lyrics in the U2 song 'Grace' talk about (see below).

The only verse I'm not so sure about is the first one (I'm not sure what that verse means and from how I'm reading it, I'm not sure it's a healthy way of looking at things). Unless 'Grace' is viewed as God and the sacrifice of Jesus. Then it makes sense to me. The video link is below as well.

Grace (by U2)

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips
She carries a pearl
In perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything

A Day-In-The-Life-Of someone with a shoulder injury who also happens to be a wheelchair user

This post is meant to be a reminder for me when I am well-recovered from my shoulder injury - to appreciate what I have - and also as a way to help individuals who are not in a similar situation to gain some insight into the experience. For those in health professions, this may help you get a picture of what some of your clients go through.

On September 27, 2012, I had a shoulder injury at work. As part of my condition, my bones break easily so fractures are always a concern. Any time I have a fall or a near-fall, I tense up a lot and sometimes have muscle pain for a while. This time, the pain did not subside quickly. By day 2, I knew something was wrong.

Thankfully, X Rays showed no fractures, and it appears the injury is a strain / sprain to the rotator cuff. That being said, from what I hear, fractures heal quicker and cleaner than sprains and strains to that area. I have had a lot of improvement in a week's time. Still, the pain persists and my functioning is still impacted.

The day-in-the-life of will begin at bed-time, a day after the injury...

I am wiped. Exhausted. My day was spent sleeping, for the most part. Part of that might have been the fact I took Robaxacet regularly, as indicated on the bottle. The other part is most likely due to the fact my body is trying to heal. Undressing is painful, but certainly easier than dressing was earlier that morning. Fortunately, for me, I have learned how to do things one-handed so many times in my life that certain tasks like brushing my teeth, and tearing toilet paper from the roll don't phase me. This is a good thing, because the next day holds much frustration and feelings of being overwhelmed.

I sleep well - when I'm sleeping. Thing is, every time I want to change positions, I wake up fully. In the back of my mind, I know that I cannot change positions without being very, very careful. Despite the frequent waking, I've had a decent night's sleep (not so for every night since then, but overall this has been ok). 

In the morning, I wake up. I know I need to see a doctor. My arm is no better. I am frustrated. Overwhelmed. I think about what the day has in store for me. I still cannot prepare any food. I can't use my microwave because it is set up higher and I need a hand to balance when I get up on my knees on my chair to reach the microwave at the best of times. I cannot do this as putting weight through my arm is painful. I can't chop food. I can't cut up any meat. Pouring milk is challenging - this is a 2-handed task for the most part. My counters are high in the kitchen, so even washing my hands is difficult. I also wake up to remembering the pile of laundry I had planned to do on the weekend. Now, I can't do this. My groceries are low - at least with respects to food I can prepare. As in, food that does not require preparation. Sure, I have some fruit and vegetables. But I can't chop it to be able to eat. Normally, I slice apples and cut oranges into wedges so I can eat them. It was looking like yet another day of eating peanut butter. I began to cry, feeling overwhelmed with all I take for granted each day. All that I can do normally that I am now not able to do. I live alone. I feared showering. I always hang on to the sides with both hands getting in and out of the shower. I knew, though, that I've learned quite well how to wash my hair one handed. That, I knew, I could do. [On a side note, a friend commiserated with me on this - isn't it sad I've actually had to learn how to do this so well?]. Then I put myself together and took my shower. I was surprised how well that went, and how good that hot water felt on my injured shoulder. The trouble came when trying to wrap a towel around me. Try it for yourself! It's a two-handed task unless you've got lots of practice! Dressing was also painful. I have only a couple pair of pants that are easy to pull up, and I need to look for a shirt that is lose fitting. Never mind the bra. That is too painful today.

Then, on to seeing the doctor. I can't drive. Driving gives me independence. Once again, it hit me. I can't wheel my wheelchair. I can't drive. I even tried - and I couldn't move the steering wheel and I couldn't put the vehicle in gear. I use hand controls so I have no choice - I use the acceleration / braking lever with the left hand and steer with my right hand. I'm fully dependent on others to get around once again. I call a taxi. The cab driver was not willing to come up to my unit where most cabs go - he figures this is a walkway. I had told the cab company I have a disability and very specifically asked the cab company to instruct the driver to come up the walk. This message was not passed on. When he realized my situation, he willingly came over to me. Still, it was one more frustration. He was very helpful after this. I got into the doctor's office very quickly. He didn't say much. When he heard my medical history, he simply said x rays would be necessary and prescribed a Voltaryn gel for inflammation and pain. Again, I needed a ride from the doctor's office to the x ray clinic. I was able to arrange a ride to the x ray clinic, and a different ride from there back to home. It's such a process! So complicated. I guess the good thing is I'm not wearing out any one particular friend.

Another friend came over later to bring me Timmies and to bring some fresh fruit. She helped by cutting up some fruit and vegetables so I can eat and putting in a small load of laundry so I'd have something to wear in the next few days.

I was so exhausted by the end of the day. I arranged a ride to church the next day. Then went to sleep.

Fast forward a few days and here are some of my experiences:
- not being able to return to work for a few days - I'm not even able to wheel my chair, much less lift heavy charts for charting.
- the hoards of paperwork required - for WCB, for injury reporting, for getting Access Calgary lined up.
- the hours on the phone required to get the paperwork lined up.
- returning to work mid-week and losing (or having it stolen - not sure which) my nice cell phone the first day. I was so wiped out by 4 pm already. The meeting went until 5 pm. And I hadn't even done anything physically taxing at work. But, when I lost my phone, I had to come back to find it. And I STILL didn't find it.

A week and a bit later, and my shoulder doesn't have as much pain. I am able to drive to and from work if I avoid heavy traffic. Turns are still painful but do-able. I can do some basic food prep. I can put a few clothes into the laundry. (I guess the laundry pile will sit for a while longer. But, really, that's ok for now). I can sleep mostly through the night.  I can use 2 hands for washing my hair now. I still can't use my wheelchair. I still can't go grocery shopping or do full loads of laundry. Walking stairs is difficult because I need to lean on railings for safety - and that doesn't work well yet. I've started physio. The exercises are still painful. Maybe they're helping, I don't know. And many different people, from different parts of my life, have helped out in one way or another, whether that was giving me rides, bringing me some food, helping with laundry, buying groceries for me, inviting me out for a movie, giving me a massage, or just calling to talk.

For all of you who helped me out during this time, Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Things I've learned through this process that I hope others will learn too by reading this entry:
- People do want to help, for the most part. They just don't know what's needed. It is important to ask specifically. Others can't read my mind. It's OK to ask for help! And if they know exactly what you need, it is less frustrating for them!
- The paperwork and processes required for injuries are horrendous. Please bear with any clients or friends you may have who complain about this and be of any assistance possible.
- Things that are typically easy to do are very draining when there is an injury or illness present. Be understanding! Some tasks may require a higher priority and others will just not get done or I will need help so I don't wear myself out.
- Independence is important; it is a big hit to lose independence - even temporarily. It is hard for people like me, who desire to be as independent as possible, to ask for help. I don't want to be seen as someone who is 'needy'. That is one of my greatest fears.
- It is important for me to remember that, even though I need help with some things (at any time of my life as a result of my disability), I give to others and help out where I can so I am not just 'taking'. I pray that I am a blessing to those I come in contact with.
- Taking time to relax and recup is a good thing. Maybe these injuries and illnesses I've experienced in the last few months are a way to teach me to slow down and take care of myself.
- It can feel lonely being at home all day, particularly when each task is a struggle. This is especially impacted when lines of communication are lost (in my case, the loss of my cell phone, which also is the main number people know).
-  Although sometimes I don't realize it or think about it, I have lots of people in my life who care about me. And what's neat about it is that these people are not just from church (as has been the case in the past). Coworkers, colleagues, friends from music jams, friends from my previous work, friends from a small group bible study (outside my regular church), friends from church, and even a neighbour or 2 have offered assistance or been there for me.
- This journey of healing may still take another month to two months. I may still need help from others. I need to not let myself get discouraged. And I need to not let myself get too frustrated with myself if I can't do what I want to do. And if I do and you hear me complaining or expressing frustration, offer encouragement and support.

Today was a good day!

The day started off relatively normally, although I was looking forward to the meeting downtown later in the morning. I chose to catch the train to the meeting because the train is close to work and the end stop was close to the destination. I just missed the first train, so I ended up being a little late, but that seemed to be ok. The meeting was for the opening celebration of an OT program in Calgary based out of the U of A. I'm excited about potential prospects coming from this program - like maybe doing some teaching for U of A. The celebration was good, and the discussions following were good too. It was interesting to me that I seemed to know everyone in the room except for the 12 new students in the program. What was more strange for me is how so many actually sought me out to talk to me. That doesn't usually happen. I was informally offered a teaching position by one person, and by the same person, was told I am an "animated speaker" that they need as an instructor. Another person said they've been watching, aware of where I'm at, and also mentioned the possibility of teaching for them. These people who made the comments are the ones who actually interviewed me a few years ago when I was trying to get a faculty position. It sounds like I made an impression. I am excited about these possibilities, although nothing is set in stone and I can't go by anything at this time. I will definitely have to look at my work situation in that case. I saw a posting today that really sparked my interest and is only a 0.6 FTE. If they officially offered me something, I'd consider applying for this. But I also am not looking for other employment. Ever since I was in OT school, I thought I'd like a healthy split between clinical and teaching - like 60 / 40. The travels home on the train were semi-eventful. The first train, the accessible ramp did not lower and the height difference was about the height of a curb. I can't exactly jump that, then slow down quickly to not hit anyone inside the train. So I had to wait for the next one. I later reflected and wondered if I actually checked if the train was the correct one. Downtown, there are 2 options, and believe me, taking the wrong one would have gotten me quite far from my destination! I also really enjoyed being downtown on my scooter in summer! I miss that. It's like old times. I returned to work after the celebration. It was neither here nor there. I was pleased, though, when I checked my pay stub, to find I've now been moved up to the next salary level. :) Yup, a good day all around!

This Time It Feels Different

I'm here at my parents' for vacation. This time it feels different. Yes, I'm connecting with my family and a few friends. For some reason, though, I'm looking forward to getting back to Calgary. I almost typed 'home' instead of Calgary but I stopped myself. I'm not sure why it's different this time. I'm certainly looking forward to seeing my cat again. I guess I've never had something to come home to. The cat, I'm sure, is being well cared for - and may not even be missing me (although on a selfish note, I hope she is missing me). I am working on feeling like I can trust that whole scenario - having someone stay at my place while I'm away, knowing visitors are coming while I'm not there. I'm hoping so much that it's only one or two. And that they're people I know. I feel restless here, though. Frustrated. Even somewhat angry at times, which has been very uncharacteristic for me. More disconnected overall - not necessarily from the people I've seen. That I don't think has changed. People's lives are moving on without me. That much is certain. And that's ok. For the most part, with most people, it's like we just pick up where we left off and I'm happy for that. I guess I wonder where my life is moving on to. And who else God will bring into my path or who, of my current friends God will continue to place a strong role in my life (or grow that role in my life). I continue to be in a state of transition. Sometimes I wish life would settle down. But, then, maybe that's me. Maybe I would be bored if I was in a state where things were status quo. Maybe that's my personality. I certainly look for excitement in my job. I'd be bored to tears (quite literally) if every day looked similar at work. I like having 3 different jobs, all part time. It brings variety. Maybe my personality is a bit like a dragonfly. Floating. Landing on a tree limb, basking in the sunshine in its iridescent glory. In that moment. And then, when ready, moving on to the next spot. Don't worry, that doesn't mean I am planning to move again soon! I really hope that part of my life can be settled for a while! And I'm not looking for a different job, although I've certainly had a lot of frustrations there in the last few months. Where it seems some of my family and some of my friends (in Manitoba certainly and also many in Calgary) are so settled, I never seem to get to a place where I'm settled. That doesn't mean I can't be at peace wherever I'm at. I'd really like to have someone in my life to share my adventures with. That's for sure. I really hope God works that part of my life out some time in the next while.  will have to come to terms with the fact that ever since I can remember, I've reviewed my year and thought, "this was a year of change". Not too many people I know can say that for 10 or more years in a row. And I will certainly add that the changes have been a mix of good (even very good) and not so good. But, back to the topic, it feels like a weird place to be - to actually be looking forward to being back at home. Back in Calgary. Back in my bed. Back into a routine - of variableness to some degree. Still, a routine that I know. And I wonder what adventures will come into my life in Calgary... or wherever else I end up. Because, as it seems, I am destined for a life of transition and constant change. Whomever will be my future partner - beware! Life with me will always be an adventure!

Neighbours and Journaling ... Do the 2 go together? In this post they do because it's Miscellaneous!

Today, I met three of my neighbours. It's not that I haven't seen any of them before, but I actually had conversations with them. I met a guy who lives upstairs. We didn't talk about much, but at least I now have a familiar face. Later, I met the 2 guys who live across from me. They are selling their unit, so I had a look around. I wasn't checking it out to buy, but more because I'm curious as to what that unit looks like. They're moving to Vancouver Island. They seem nice. It's kind of too bad I'm only starting to get to know them and now they're going to move away. Still, it's nice to have some familiar faces to greet here. I hope the people or person who buys their unit will be just as nice, and maybe even someone I can become friends with and maybe even hang out with.

Other than that, I feel extra tired today and I don't know why. Maybe its' because I'm coming off a week where my routine was different than usual. It was a good week, though. Mom and dad were here which changed my routine. It was a good time, though. After they left, I've been busy every night with meetings or youth. I'm hoping that by Tuesday, I will have my full energy back. Tuesday is when I'm back to work at the hospital. I am hoping this tiredness is not due to me getting sick or something. I know I am quite sore and need a massage - my neck and shoulders in particular are sore.

On a totally different topic, I came across a journaling site upon the recommendation of a colleague. Maybe I will try some of those strategies here in my blog. I hear I don't blog often enough! :) The site has examples to get people going with journaling, and, although I don't exactly see my blog as a journal, it is a journal of sorts. Maybe more specifically, some entries are journal-like, others are more article like, and still others are pictures based. Here's the link to the Journal Writing online mini-course. In particular, I want to try some of the 14 writing techniques found at the bottom of the page - just scroll down. Any bloggers out there, I encourage you to try some for yourself and let me know how they are going. I am labelling blog entries that I am purposely using a journal technique as 'Journal Writing Approaches' to find them easier when I want to go back and reflect on the techniques and what came out of using the techniques.

Today, I sit here with somewhat mixed feelings. I'm trying to actually figure out what I'm feeling. I'm looking for a metaphor to describe this last week or so and I can't really find one.

I've had a situation where I really needed to pay attention to my professional and personal boundaries. It becomes a balancing act when a friend becomes a potential client, and how to navigate the system to ensure the friend gets the help required and ensuring I don't cross any boundaries - in avoiding moving from friend to professional. I think I was able to keep this boundary. It's different being on the other side. I got frustrated with the system. Got frustrated with some of the professionals. I even snapped at a nurse as a frustrated friend advocating for my friend. (The nurse, by the way, winked at me when he saw me in the hall today. So weird! And I still stand by what I said). And I needed to make sure I didn't deliver professional advice beyond being that friend who does know the system to some degree to help my friend navigate the system - giving information that is available to the public. It's hard as a friend to see someone going through stuff I know full well is painful, at times humbling, and difficult. It's also hard having my professional background that gives me a different insight into the situation - and having to sit back and not do or say anything. What could I do as a friend? Listen. Sit with my friend. Hug. Things friends do. I wouldn't regret this experience, though. It was good for me to be in this situation. And I think my friend got some help.

Also, I applied for a position recently where I felt I had a really good chance. I learned today I would not be interviewed. Part of me is sad. I was beginning to look forward to some of the opportunities that would come with this position. Part of me is ok with this decision. The job wasn't my 'ideal' job. So, maybe it's best I stay where I'm at until that 'just right' position comes along when I'm ready for it. Not that I'm looking for something else actively. I'm only at a place where I look at opportunities that sound interesting.

I learned that the Samba group I'm part of is dissolving. The Samba group is one of the things I was counting as a reason to stay in Calgary - something going for me here in Calgary that is not found in other Canadian cities I know of. So, this bit of news feels like one more thing in a process of letting go. Not that I'm letting go for a particular destination or position or anything.

So, how am I feeling? Meh. That pretty much sums it up. It's sad to hear the Samba group is dissolving. I was disappointed I didn't get an interview. There's not a lot I can do about either. It's true - I'm feeling 'Meh', which seems so weird considering the somewhat stressful week and the disappointing news. Maybe it's more a sense that life goes on. These are just points along the way in life.

Summer

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted!

A lot has happened this summer.  In some ways, anyway. As I posted last time, I moved to a new place and it's working out well for me. It is probably the most accessible housing situation I've ever had. It comes at a hefty price, but it is still cheaper than living in the Beltline. Fortunately, I have steady income now. I had a few hiccups shortly after I moved. It seemed there was a power surge and my laptop and all peripherals died. I've revived the computer partially - enough to access my files, but I can't run any peripherals through it. I had to buy a new laptop, a new printer, a new usb hub, etc. But, I also learned, in the process, how to set up a network and how to do some technical things with the computer that I didn't know how to do before.

Good times! We couldn't get one where we were both fully in the picture. It was so funny!

I took a trip to Manitoba this summer again. It was a much needed trip. I also had some memorable experiences ...

The Klassens

The outhouse door

• stopping at a rest area because I really need to use the facilities, only to find one of the doors to the outhouses was completely broken, and the other, where the door apparently didn't stay closed. I found that out the hard way, but fortunately, no one else showed up. Seriously, I have not had good outhouse experiences this year - the youth weekend back in May was also an example of this. Both times, I really needed to use the facilities so I just used them anyway.
• seeing a broad variety of roadkill - porcupines, a fox-like animal but bigger than a fox, some very unrecognizable but large animals, several skunks, and probably more.
• having an amazing time with God where he spoke to me about walking with me and how my heart is a garden and he is the gardener. Maybe I'll write a post about it and include a link to a few songs that fueled that conversation.
• saying good-bye to the Patmobile and saying hello to my new(er) Rav4. This is a positive thing - the car did not die but was on its last legs. This new vehicle will allow for the installation of a scooter lift at some point in the future, which will greatly increase my independence. If only funding were available in this province to cover modifications!
• seeing someone from highschool. That was a surprise.
• a much needed massage.
• going to a small town fair, taking pictures of the rides at night, and getting a henna tattoo.
• driving fast down Hwy 8, passing lots of vehicles - right Greg? :) And of course Gimli beach and wave surfing.
• fresh garden vegetables and fruit! Green beans, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers, strawberries... mmm.
• spending time with family.
• connecting with some dear people in my life. It feels so good to really connect. And to feel wanted and loved. The hugs are amazing too! It makes me want to be back in Winnipeg.
• attending a beautiful wedding, seeing some extended family (and again the hugs), and the laughs during conversation. Oh, and taking random pictures. :)
• Mojitos! The theme of my trip, apparently! :)
• and of course, taking more pictures!

Other aspects of summer I enjoyed:

• church family camp.
• a visit from The Falks :) and the amazing Morrocan restaurant.
• the beautiful warm summer - so unusual for Calgary.
• watching Ultimate - go Raptors!
• sitting on my patio.
• the dragonflies.
• Julie's visit in July and The Klassens visit in August.
• living across from Global Fest and having a prime view of the fireworks. And of course, taking pictures. :)

The less pleasant aspects of this summer:

• moving! Although I am SO thankful everything came together so well for the move. I had friends from so many different areas of my life help out so it ended up that nobody ended up doing all of it. This started from the packing up, to the moving, to the cleaning of the old and new place, to the unpacking. I really am blessed!
• packing and unpacking! And sorting papers. Ok, that's all part of moving too. Did I mention moving?!
• having to put out of a lot of unexpected money. Although I do enjoy the new versions of what I bought - the vehicle, the computer, the wireless printer.
• feeling the stress of too many commitments on top of the life stressors such as moving, changes in work hours and responsibilities, etc.. I need to take care of myself in this way.
• not getting to see Brittany much - only a couple minutes. You'll have to come visit!
  

The new and the old

I'm not ready for summer to end, although fall is full of possibilities. Fall looks like it will be super busy and I've been enjoying the more laid back summer. I will start teaching the mental health course at SAIT again in September in addition to working at the hospital and doing my veterans work. The youth year will also be starting up at about the same time. I really do hope I can balance my life to take time for self care, exercise, friends and music, on top of other commitments I had previously. I know for my personal and spiritual wellness, I need to make time to get out into nature. take pictures, and to connect with people on a personal level. The long drive by myself to Manitoba was so needed on a spiritual level! Not only did I get out of the city, but I listened to music, I prayed, I stopped as I wanted to take pictures, and I relaxed. These are all important parts of my life. If things get too crazy, I will have to figure out what I can cut out so I stay well in all aspects of my life.

Regarding all the picture taking I mentioned - I haven't sorted through or uploaded all my pictures yet, but here are a few pictures to get you started. I have a few entries in mind that I want to write about as I've been thinking about some things. I do hope I have time, or rather, that I make time, to write and post these entries because blogging is also a very good spiritual and personal wellness exercise. But for today, I will end this post. I am frustrated because I can't seem to get the pictures to line up properly, so unfortunately, this post may look a little scattered. Nevertheless, Enjoy!

A New Chapter ... or maybe just a new page

As some of you know, I'm moving once again. Later on today (as it's after midnight), in fact. It's been amazing how people have come forward to help me out. Yes, I had to initially ask. However, I'm seeing friends who seem to want to help - coming from many different areas of my life. I need help with all aspects of moving from packing to the actual move to the unpacking. Connections through work, international students, church, family, my small group, music involvement, movie and book discussion nights, etc. Initially, I had some concerns, as I realized that much of my small group is not really around anymore, or some are simply so busy right at the moment- and the group has been such a strong support in my previous moves. This time, I'm seeing more diverse people, which is cool. And, I think, this speaks to my conscious effort to connect with people both in church and in other areas of my life. So far, the packing process has also been a way to connect with various people. When my cousin was over the other night, we packed several boxes, but we talked for 3 hours in the process. I guess this diversity also speaks to being involved in more things than I have been previously.

In many ways, this is a new chapter, or at least turning a page in the book of my life. I will be saying good-bye to the couple upstairs who have become my friends. They are moving as well, and not just relocating within Calgary but moving across the province to the north. I'm also moving into an apartment where I have no idea what to expect other than that it seems like a nice place to live. My finances will, once again, look different. This rent is double what I'm paying now. However, it seems inevitable. At least it's cheaper than my place in the Beltline.

In other areas, I'm seeing some changes happening - I'm hoping they are all for the good of everyone. At times, though, it may be hard. I hope that, somehow, some aspects will be very welcome and very good in my life. I've done some reflecting and praying, particularly last night. It seemed like God was speaking to me about some stuff. I sat outside for a couple hours, just thinking, praying, and looking up at the stars. I made some decisions personally. Interestingly, the timing seemed perfect, as I heard some news today that just reaffirmed my decisions and thoughts. I felt good about it, on the one hand, and on the other, I have no idea how things will go from here. If some of the realizations I came to are, in fact, true, I don't know what steps to take. I just have to trust God has a plan and that he will present the opportunities and that I will take those opportunities as he provides. Today, I had two glimpses of potential opportunities through conversations. I also had some other conversations with complete strangers that were so encouraging. It felt like I am doing something right in my life, and that I should continue to dream and act on those dreams. So, in a way, I feel hopeful. This has nothing to do with moving. Still, it seems to all have occurred in one weekend. I'm glad I feel hopeful. At the same time, it feels like everything is so out of my reach and I don't know how I will get there.

In Memory of Grandma

A few weeks ago, I saw a bag of Lifesavers. I was reminded of Grandma, so I bought the bag, sort of on an impulse. I didn't open them, though, until today (or technically yesterday, May 17). May 17 was her birthday. She was almost 100 years old when she passed away. I was in the room when she died. It was more peaceful than I would have expected. There is kind of a neat story behind her death. She wasn't ready to go for a long time, even though she was quite elderly. She had spunk. She had a desire to love. To give. To serve. To make blankets for people, even when her eyesight was going. But, I believe it was the night before she passed away, she had a dream about going to heaven, if I remember correctly. After the dream, she desperately wanted to talk to the chaplain about this dream. Then, she was ready to go. It didn't take long after this. I wish I remembered the details of the dream. I know I heard the story. Something in the dream made her feel ready to meet Jesus. I often regret I didn't make the effort to learn how to communicate in Low German. She was most comfortable speaking this language. Instead, she spoke to me in German, and I spoke to her in English, and we conversed quite well. Grandma lived in the same town as us, just 2 streets over, so my sister and I often went to Grandma's on our bikes. I remember trying different foods she made - homemade raspberry juice. I liked that, but I remember Julie wasn't so fond of it. Her yummy cookies, especially the white ones with icing and coconut. Kielke and gravy. And I remember the cookoo clock. I'd still like to have that one day, but I guess it went to someone else. I remember her laugh and her crinkly eyes. She was a beautiful person, inside and out.

Lifesavers are a symbol of Grandma. Every time we went to her place, she gave each of us kids a 3-pack of Lifesavers. Sometimes a few packs. We all had our favourites. Mine was yellow, I believe Julie preferred orange, and I believe Casey preferred red. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but we rarely fought over the colours, because sometimes we had to share packs. Or, we gave our least favourite colours away and collected all the candies from the packs in our favourite colours. I remember sharing Lifesavers with my cousins, particularly one cousin. Maybe next time I see her, I should bring my bag of Lifesavers with. :) My favourite Lifesaver colours are yellow and orange. Today, I savoured the flavours. I remembered and I am remembering as I type. I have happy memories. And I also really tasted the candies. I noticed the orange ones have a sourness to them that I really enjoy. The yellow ones (particularly the lemon ones) do as well. Hmm ... maybe that was the beginning of me loving sour - anything. Lemons, candies, juice. No, not anything. Lol. Sour milk, which I also had today, is not particularly enjoyable! I'm laughing just thinking about that. Anyway, I digress. I don't have any pictures to share of me and Grandma, or even of Grandma herself. I wasn't into taking pictures as much back then. But I want to say, I love you Grandma. And Lifesavers will always remind me of you!

I must be doing better ...

A few minutes ago, I was reflecting on something. This past week, I've taken some 'me time' a couple times. I think I've been living life at break-neck speed, doing something pretty much every day and just not taking time for 'quiet time' and 'me time'. I've been thinking a lot lately about priorities in life. Last weekend was 'earth hour'. I took time to shut down everything electronic and turned off the lights, spending the evening alone with candlelight, my journal, my Bible, and, of course, my camera. It had been a month since I last journaled. I enjoyed taking pictures of the candlelight and the way the candles made shadowy patterns on the walls. I'm sure I took about 100 pictures (no exaggeration!). Mind you, most of those pics did not turn out because I was trying to get shadows that were constantly moving with each flicker of the candles. Still, it was fun. Yesterday and today, I got in the mood for taking pictures again. And I realized ... I'm doing better than I have been. Taking pictures helps me with my overall well-being. I don't think I had noticed my overall well-being slipped somewhat. Today, I found myself standing outside, without a jacket in the falling snow, taking pictures and enjoying it. I had been very frustrated with the snow outside, particularly earlier today. This morning, it looked like the stairs were a ramp instead of individual stairs, and the path I use to get to my car was quite deep as well. I was glad for my canes to give me balance as the slushiness under the snow was giving way and my feet were slipping with each step. So, I was surprised when, as I was coming in from my car, a car zoomed by and totally covered me in slush. I actually started smiling. Almost laughing. And I found myself looking forward to going back outside with camera in hand after changing my clothes. I didn't venture far, as it's not exactly the safest for me to be walking about today, but I got some neat pictures.

What Super Hero Am I?

What Super Hero am I? I went to a Super Hero party a couple weeks ago. I dressed up as a Super Hero and the picture below was my cape. After a few guesses, I will post my Super Hero name. Isn't the symbol cool, though? I found the picture and basically printed it off in black and white to change the colour composition from blue and white and coloured in the white parts my favourite colour - orange. It kind of goes with some nicknames I've had in the past, namely Speedy and most recently Spitfire. This picture is now posted on my office door at work.

Hint: look at the big 'W' on the design.

Super W_______ to the rescue!!!!

Puzzle Pieces

I was doing some reflection over the past couple days about things that excite me, and trying to figure out what my gifts are (as in personal and spiritual gifts, not the material kinds of gifts). Another way to put it is strengths or personal attributes. This was in follow up to a conversation with the youth pastor who asked me if I feel my gifts are being fully utilized in helping out with the youth group. The question prompted me to think about what excites me, what my strengths are, and what areas I want to grow in. My response at the time was, "I don't know what my gifts are and if you have any feedback or observations, please let me know".

I've done many 'spiritual gifts' tests before. Discernment comes out on top every time. Shepherd and Mercy come out near the top most times too. Encouragement is usually in the top 5 as is Teaching. Although one that separated teaching into different categories put me more in a facilitation type of teaching category than preaching (thankfully - as I don't think I'm much of a preacher). This list doesn't include talents and skills.

In thinking, I realized a few things that I enjoy about helping out with the youth. I enjoy getting to know the kids. I enjoy it when I see them starting to trust me and talking about stuff in their lives. I enjoy it when I've shared something and it seems to resonate with them. I enjoy connecting with those who seem to be on the outside, not really fitting in with the popular crowd. And I enjoy the laughter and laid back atmosphere. Is this using my skills to their potential? Well, maybe a set of skills - relating to people and having the ability to help people feel comfortable around me. I will say, though, it seemed to take a really long time before the girls seemed to feel comfortable. The guys seemed comfortable right away. I don't know the reasoning behind that. Even now, I think it depends on the different kids. Some seem more open to connecting with others, or rather, with adults. And I'm ok with that. I also enjoy connecting over things that we have in common ... like watching Bones. :)

So what about other strengths, abilities, and personal traits? I can facilitate small groups and maybe larger groups. I seem to enjoy doing this more with youth and adults than young kids. Kids are fun, don't get me wrong. I just like to have intelligent conversations with people. I haven't done a lot of facilitating large groups to know whether that is a strength. I don't tend to lean towards outright teaching - I prefer more the facilitation approach where people need to explore what they think and believe and apply it to situations in real-life. Yet, I wonder if in some ways, that takes more planning because things can really go one way or the other. And you have to go with the flow but have the ability to redirect if it really goes off topic. I can teach or lecture using a PowerPoint, but still, I tend to make that more small group discussions and overseeing that. I know I don't like doing a lot of the little details work. Leave that to other people, I figure. :) I don't mind delegating those tasks and I'm quite good at that. Considering all the moves I've made (house to house), I'd better be good at coordinating and delegating as I can't actually do the lifting and moving of furniture and boxes. I like being creative, whether that's doing photography, making music, painting, or even colouring. I also have the ability to discern when things seem to be going well or not and when people seem to be struggling more than other times. I have learned about behaviour issues and how to deal with different things with my professional training. I also have a good foundation in mental health issues to be able to listen, provide some direction and counselling and suggest some good resources. Within the youth group scenario, I'm more likely to make sure they are safe and bring in other resources if serious situations arise. Otherwise, hmm ... if any of you have ideas of other skills or abilities or strengths that fit with working with the youth, please let me know. There may be more but at the moment, I can't think of others.

Something else I've realized lately that I really enjoy - connecting with people from different cultures. Last night, I spent the evening with a couple friends - an relatively new friend and a brand new friend - from Latin American countries. We had a lot of fun playing Rook, eating pizza, listening to Latin music, and just hanging out. They asked some questions about correct grammar and we talked about how to use different words in different situations. A friend from Winnipeg who came to Canada several years ago from Peru has been strongly suggesting the relatively new friend connect with me to practise English. This friend suggested I should be on her speed dial in case she has questions about business language or other English language usage. See, that's what I've been helping my Peruvian friend with for a few years after she became fluent in English. I edited a lot of her university papers including her thesis. So the friend here invited another friend. These friends would like to get together with me regularly - to practise English one time, and teach me Spanish the next, developing a cycle. We had a lot of fun together and I realized, I really enjoy getting to know about other cultures, helping them with their English, and learning their language as well. It's something I'm good at. It's also something that is fun and something where I can make good connections and introduce people to Canadian life, meanwhile acknowledging their culture.

I got a call today from a nursing student who found my business website. She wanted my take on a situation and wanted to learn about the Occupational Therapy perspective on working with people who are homeless. She also wanted to know what a medical team can do to help people who are homeless. We had a good, long conversation. I left that conversation feeling excited - about having the ability to teach and share my knowledge and experience, about strongly encouraging getting to know the patient's desires and advocating for the patient, and about the fact people are starting to learn about me outside my current professional network. Teaching, particularly mentoring or small group teaching, or teaching about topics I'm passionate about does excite me.

So, I need to evaluate some things. I'm involved in a lot outside work and I need to find balance. I also need to figure out what I'm called to do. I love connecting with people and, if possible, somehow influencing them in a positive way to make positive changes in their lives. I do like teaching - where I see people hungry for information and wanting to learn about things that matter. I loved teaching the mental health course at SAIT. I love music - playing, facilitating the process of playing music, and listening to music. I think respect is so important in all these situations - a mutual respect. Building connections and having mutual respect is where I flourish.

I also need to take care of myself and know what I can take on and still be healthy. I need to make sure I am taking care of my physical body as well - getting the right nutrients, exercising, resting and sleeping. I did not do well with this piece in the past and it's important to stay healthy. I also want to (and need to) make sure I'm still building into the relationships I have right now and ones that develop.

This next part of my journey will be trying to make sense of things. Getting the puzzle pieces to fit and possibly setting aside puzzle pieces that don't fit. It may involve setting aside some puzzle pieces for now, and fitting them in later when the picture is more clear.Or making them all fit and still making a beautiful picture. It will be a challenge. Prioritizing and seeking God's direction will be key. This is a puzzle I look forward to piecing together.

*If you do have any feedback on where you see gifts or strengths - whether that's affirming what I've already seen or whether it's something I haven't, please feel free to comment. Also, if you have any other comments, feel free to leave them. Thanks.

In but not In

Work was good today. But there's this fear in the back of my mind ... what if I don't get the position I'm covering for with casual hours. Today, I was offered an interview for the job. I was pretty certain I'd get an interview. I also heard my boss telling her boss there will be 3 interviews. The job is not a guarantee. What does that mean if I don't get it? I've started to like the idea I will have steady income. If I don't get it, maybe I'll get one day a week of casual hours. Maybe a couple. Or maybe I'll only get work when others are sick or away. I know I need to trust God. It feels so ... oh, I don't even know how to word it ... uncomfortable maybe ... when I hear the staff talking about 'when the full time person is hired'. They all know I've applied. It's just awkward for me. Probably not for them. They maybe only think of me as casual. And, yes, I did at first, too. But being there as many days a week as the others (who are also working 4 days/week) makes it feel more like I'm there as a regular employee. So I get assigned all these caseloads (of 4 different doctors), I have regular groups I'm running, and I feel like I'm part of the team. Yet, every once in a while, it is clear I'm not ... yet. My interview is Friday. I guess I'll find out next week what will happen. I just have to believe that whatever happens is what is meant to be. I am enjoying my job. I hope that, if it really is the case that I am not offered the position, it won't get all awkward for the remainder of the month until that person starts. Originally, I wanted 3, maybe 4 days a week. But, I'm really wanting this position and it's 5 days a week. So be it. I will work 5 days a week until the end of that term, then go from there. Maybe I will want 5 days a week then. Although, this position is a mat leave and who knows what will be available at that time.

Orchestrating the Composition of Life

Something I've realized, or that's been emphasized over an over recently - a key theme in my life is that God Orchestrates my life! It's been encouraging to look back and see how God has orchestrated in my life. Sometimes those apparently not-so-good things actually lead to a pretty beautiful outcome! Speaking in music terms, when things don't seem to be going well, maybe those are the times when the chords in life are minor, or diminished, or sustained. Those chords eventually resolve into a major chord. These chords add to the composition of life, making it beautiful and interesting. I do believe that 2010 was more of the unresolved piece of the composition and that 2011 could be the more peaceful or the more jubilant sections of the composition.

2010 was a long, difficult year and I can only hope for a better year in 2011. As one of my friends wished me, "May 2011 be the year of connection and contentment for you". I have felt quite disconnected, lonely, frustrated and discouraged this year and have had a sense of lack of direction. Like nothing is moving anywhere fast.

At the same time, many people have encouraged me and been there for me. I've seen my church take care of me when I needed it most. I've also been connected with some pretty amazing people who have provided support and helped me process through stuff to help me get my business going. It's been a year of trusting and scraping the barrel ... but in every situation, God provided! Most often, at the last minute. Which is where trusting and believing comes in, a clear theme for the year 2010.  This is also part of how my life is being orchestrated. Timing is everything! And knowing that, believing that, has allowed me to relax even when things were tight.

Music has become a big part of my life this year and I really hope it continues. It's been good getting more involved with music, including the start of "Lazarus", getting involved in Samba, and playing / performing with one of my friends both in a small church and in open jams. I've gotten to know more people through this too, which has been really good.

This year, I've had some spiritual revelations as well. God is Creator - he's creative! And we're made in his image. We all need to exercise creativity and appreciate His creativity! I'm all about that! :D God also desires to fulfill our desires. Yes, in fact, it's good to dream. He has given us many of the desires we have. I do need to remember to be content in whatever situation I'm in, though - whether that is being single, living in Calgary or elsewhere, being unemployed (but still trying to do something about that), or whatever the situation might be.

I do look forward to what God has in store for me. I feel like I have a lot going on so I hope I find a way to have good balance and prioritize well. I continue to desire to feel connected and have deep personal relationships. I also look forward, with a little bit of fear (due to uncertainty), to where my career will go. I've started a business but it takes a long time to build up. I started a job but it is also casual at this point and I don't know if I will have steady income beyond this month. I can see how it fits well with long term dreams and passions. I'm thankful, though, for what I have. I realize I have a deep passion to work with people who are marginalized or who have mental health issues (or both) and I have a passion to teach.

A thought I have focused on lately is the importance of encouraging and building people up. Too often, it is easy to cut others down or criticize them. I want to make a real effort to stop myself from criticizing and make a habit of building others up instead.

So, for 2011, I look forward to the musical composition of my life unfolding. I'm sure there will some interesting notes and chords that, upon first hearing them, won't sound good. Some dissonance that doesn't seem to fit, but when mixed in with the rest of the song, will sound beautiful. I expect there will be jubilant and vibrant parts and maybe some peaceful parts. I'm hoping for a least some steady rhythms for a while. Maybe a few skipped beats of joy. :)

Mouse in the House - hey that could be a song!

It feels like a while since I've written a post. I seem to be busy most days of the week - at least in the way of having things to do. Yet, at the same time, nothing really new has happened. Yes, I've had a couple more interviews. Maybe something will turn up with one of them. I actually feel hopeful about the one, and it's exactly the number of hours I've been looking for. So ... hopefully. In the mean time, I plod on with whatever I've been doing and look for new opportunities. I also don't have pressing issues to discuss in my blog, so I'm not sure what to write. Today will be more of a 'day in the life of' post.

Today, I actually took time to pamper myself. I slept in until 10:30 or so. I laid in bed until 11. I went to a friend's for lunch. In the later afternoon, I did a conditioning hair treatment, took a nice, long, hot shower, and did a facial. :) It's been a long time since I've done that kind of thing. Not the shower part - that's regular. :) I was in comfy, cozy clothes ready to stay in the night when a friend invited me out to Galli's, a local pub, for an open jam. I didn't play or sing today, but I enjoyed the music and hanging out with a bunch of people I know and some I don't know.

I also realized I think there's a mouse in the house. I hope not, but there's some evidence. Not so far in the way of droppings, but I came across a bag of lentils that had a hole in it with a bunch of lentils that had spilled out. I also found some chocolate chips that took a bit of a walk. Last night, I heard some scratching, some little feet, some digging. It sounded like it was outside my office window. Maybe it came through the drier vent? I don't know. Today, I found some evidence. I don't like the thought of a mouse in the house. I want someone else to deal with it. Maybe it will make its way back outside on its own. Unrealistic, I know. But I can wish, right? I don't want to see it alive, and I don't want to see it dead in a trap. I guess, I'd rather see it alive than dead. Afterall, I used to work with mice in a lab. But they're clean mice. This one wouldn't be. And I don't like surprises in the way of living things like that. It's one thing to see it, knowing it is there. As in a cage, or something like that. It's another to see it come out of some corner unexpectedly. I also don't want to reach into my cupboards and then touch the thing. Or find some dead smelly mouse. Yeah. Just go away!

By the way, the drawing of the mouse was my first attempt to draw something using a computer mouse other than straight line things like arrows or box-like houses. Haha. A mouse for a mouse, not a mouse for a house. Ah, nevermind. It's almost 2 am. Not sure why I thought that was funny. Why am I still awake?