Letting Go Is Fearing Less and Loving More

You know, it's funny. Well, not really. Maybe ironic. I'm not sure what the best word is. When I did my drive to and from Manitoba this summer, I came to the realization that I was at a turning point. I don't really know what that turning point is leading to. But I knew change was coming. I also knew that my relationships would change in the next while. That part, I wasn't exactly welcoming. Changes regarding employment was what I was hoping for. I do seem to be getting some work. I also see that having a business will take a huge amount of work and I will need a lot of encouragement along the way to keep it up. Change is an uncomfortable place to be, although at the time when I was doing the long drive, I actually was excited about the change and felt refreshed and ready to go.

Right now, though, I'm feeling a sense of trepidation. Of once again losing the way of life that I have known for the last while. I'm sure some really good things will come of this. It's hard to let go of the way life was, even though aspects of it haven't been the best. Right now, I'm seeing that relationships with so many people in my life are changing. I like the way things were. The places where we were at. The sense of normalcy. The mutual, sometimes unspoken but realized, expectations. But, now, I'm not so sure that was even the case. Or maybe we're in different places. I liked the comfort of knowing I had some regular social plans. Now, I don't have that. With anyone. I miss the one-on-ones. Not that I've lost any relationships. But life seems to bring change and I can't control it.  And I guess we need to roll with the punches. And sometimes, these changes could lead to even stronger relationships. But sometimes it means drifting apart and opening the door for something else or someone else. I don't know which it will be. Which is sad and hard.

I have to believe that there is a purpose in this. Maybe it's to give me the opportunity to meet new people. Or to prepare me for something. I hate it that things have to be difficult to get prepared for another phase in life. The time of transition sucks. And I wonder what that next phase will look like.

At the same time, I know I should look forward to the good things in life. For example, I realized this weekend that in the last few months, I seem to be spending time with people that, a year and a half ago, were hardly in my life at all. If I had even met them.  It's a far cry from spending time mostly with my close-knit Christian circle. Not that some of these people don't share my beliefs or similar beliefs. It's been a few years since I've spent time with people with diverse backgrounds and lifestyles. And, to be honest, if I remember correctly, I talked to God about this -- that I was feeling a little sheltered and that I really felt I wanted me to spread my wings. To get out out of my little bubble. I also felt affirmed in this by him. There's a newness to this. Some unpredictability. But, in a way, a loneliness, as I don't feel very close to anyone right now. It's hard to see some of these friends make some choices that you know are harming them. To remember just to love them. It's different than my close-knit bubble. It's also different from the predictableness I've experienced over the last year and more in my relationships. Maybe that's what I needed then. And, maybe this is where I'm headed now. I don't want to let go of those relationships. Maybe they can grow in an exciting new direction. And maybe I can enjoy both the new and the old. I hope so. Whatever way, I want to be at peace with the new directions in my life and enjoy the present with an element of appreciating what was and looking forward to what is to come.

This weekend, though, I really enjoyed myself. Except for my small group this evening, everyone I spent time with was someone that has really only taken a bigger part in my life over the last while. In this time of change, I hope I do not compromise and make poor choices. I think about this as, this morning, I was not in a good place. I struggled with finding a purpose to even go to church. I was tired. I was discouraged. I wasn't throwing away my faith, but I couldn't think of a single reason why it would be a good idea to go. It felt a bit like a rut without purpose. That's not the way it should be. I ended up going for two reasons - I was up already and I made plans with someone for lunch who was planning to be there (who turned out to not be there). To be honest, I couldn't concentrate and I felt like it was a waste of time being there for the first while. I was happy to be holding my friend's baby who was happily drooling all over me and the chair next to me. Which is probably why I went out to the back of the church to walk around for a bit after the baby got fussy and went back to mum.  I'm glad I went. I ended up having a conversation with someone, during the service actually (while doing my little walk), who seemed to really need to talk. I really couldn't tell you what the service was about although I do remember the passage of scripture that was on the powerpoint. Psalm 139. Today, I think this conversation was my purpose in going.

It's so hard to let go of what I know, though. No, I'm not saying good-bye. But I'm also realizing relationships and circumstances change. There are seasons and fluctuations, even for friendships. Even within those, I've come to realize that although I have concerns at times, people have to make their own choices whether it's good for them or not. My role is to love them the best I can. I guess, who's to say it won't end up good for them? I have to trust that in the end it will. And the reality is, at times I have to concede to the fact I don't have the ability to control the ways things go. Again, the coming and going, the seasons, the fluctations in life. I came across a friend's blog entry today where someone posted a poem by an unknown author that really resonated with this idea and what I've been thinking about lately as a whole. Taking this in another direction, but also something I've been thinking about - this poem is about loving others - but can also be about loving yourself. Taking the attitude of the poem, you are showing love to yourself and acknowledging you really have worth. Here's the poem.

Letting go takes love.
Letting go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t take responsibility for someone else.
Letting go is not cutting others off, but the realization I can’t control others.
Letting go is not enabling but allowing others to learn from natural consequences.
Letting go is admitting powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
Letting go is not to try to change or blame another; it is making the most of myself.
Letting go is not to care for, but rather it is caring about others.
Letting go is not to diagnose but to support.
Letting go is not judging others but is allowing them to be a fallible human being.
Letting go refuses to arrange or guarantee results and allows others to make choices that determine their own destinies.
Letting go refuses to protect others from reality but encourages one to face the facts.
Letting go refuses to nag, scold, or argue but instead searches out my own shortcomings and corrects them.
Letting go is not regretting the past but growing and living for the future.
Letting go is fearing less and loving more.
– Author unknown.

My edited version about loving yourself:

Letting go takes love.
Letting go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t take responsibility for someone else.
Letting go is not cutting others off, but the realization I can’t control others.
Letting go is not allowing others to enable me but allowing myself to learn from natural consequences.
Letting go is admitting powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
Letting go is not to try to change or blame another; it is making the most of myself.
Letting go is not to care for, but rather it is caring about others.
Letting go is not to be critical about myself but to support and look for the good things.
Letting go is not judging myself but allowing me to be a fallible human being.
Letting go refuses to arrange or guarantee results and allows me to make choices that determine my own destiny.
Letting go refuses to protect myself from reality but encourages me to face the facts.
Letting go refuses to nag, scold, or argue but instead searches out my own shortcomings and corrects them.
Letting go is not regretting the past but growing and living for the future.
Letting go is fearing less and loving more.
– Author Unknown, Revised by Patti Plett