Some days

Some days ...

I just want to be living in Winnipeg again. Not that I'm unhappy. I have a great job. It's beautiful out here. We are close to the mountains. We have "our places" we like to go and would definitely miss those. The weather beats out Winnipeg weather most days, and the air has been good for my husband's health. We have a comfortable home to live in. There are people who care about us here. And probably if we were living elsewhere, we'd long to be here.

But, in Winnipeg, we both have a support network. There are others that I know would hit it off well with my husband. And here, it often feels like there is nobody that we can truly go to when things are tough. I mean, there are people we talk to and see regularly. But somehow, it's hard to interrupt others' lives with our 'stuff' ... or maybe we just don't feel comfortable doing that. If feels like we are not close enough with people that they would come to us as one of the first people if they were struggling ... and likewise, very few whom we truly feel like we can talk on the spur of the moment when times are tough. It feels like, for those whom I talk to, that I'm saying the same thing over and over. I don't want to come across like someone who is negative. I worry that others will think I am. I've been known to be the person who sees a silver lining in everything. I'm not sure I do anymore ... and that bothers me. I want to be the one encouraging others. But right now, I'm the one needing encouragement.

In Winnipeg (area), my family is going through tough times. It's hard to be here when they are there, going through what they're going through. Cancer is a bitch ... but at least my mom seems to be doing well with radiation. Depression is also probably as equal a bitch. And that seems to be affecting several people in my family as well. Thing is, I'm not sure that I'd be of any more help there than here.

Money is tight, but who knows if that would be any better elsewhere. My husband still hasn't gotten a job here ... the economic situation is pretty rough. It's not for lack of effort, though... which is super discouraging. We made the best decision we could, given the circumstances, to live here. But I often wonder what things would have been like had I been the one who moved. We've made it, though, every month. Some months are tighter than others. It looks like it will be starting to turn around in the next little while. Except if the landlord raises rent. That might be the turning point in us moving (if we choose to move). We're already overpaying by a large amount. More would not be ethical. Or a wise decision for us.

But, here, I have opportunities... to teach, to work full-time, to be a faculty member in the department of occupational therapy. And sometimes I feel selfish ... because I am the one with the opportunities... and I so badly want there to be just as good opportunities for my husband.


Some days ...

It seems that there are more opportunities elsewhere. School opportunities for both of us - but mostly my husband and one day for me. Opportunities to build our social support network, or rather, deep friendships, as we do have a social support network. Maybe even possibilities for work that we haven't considered or learned about.


Some days ...

It's just hard to stay put when it seems like nothing is moving forward.

Quiet Leader

Today, as I was spending quiet time with God, I came to a realization. I am a quiet leader. I'm rarely ever the 'leader', and I'm ok with that. I don't really like the attention of being 'the leader'. Yet, somehow, it seems people often come to me for guidance or to get things done. For example, at work, I'm not the boss. I do know that I influence the boss a lot. I have a good relationship with her. The team knows that. Frequently, team members come to me to talk about what's going on - to see if I know what really is going on, or to see whether I'd have some influence to change things. In other areas of my life, too, I see people come to me in a quasi leader role - as someone they see having wisdom. Often people want me to tell them what to do. I generally ask questions instead, to get them thinking about what they want to do, or why they might want to do something. I'm sure this is frustrating. Yet, they still come back. :) Today, I was thinking about my roles in life. I realized there is a responsibility in being the 'quiet leader'. You see, because I'm not the person who officially has any influence, but I still seem to have influence, there almost seems to be more power there because it's hidden. The responsibility of this hit me today. I realized that my attitude at work and elsewhere significantly impacts the environment. This is not a new revelation - I knew before that my attitude and actions impact the environment, but I reflected on this week where I had a bad attitude about some things, and realized that I noticed some things change negatively. Then, the next day, I chose to change how I responded to the very same thing that gave me a bad attitude the day before, and the environment changed for the day. I have the power to choose to be positive. I also need wisdom in knowing what to say and how to respond when negative things happen at work.  I know it's not all me... believe me. I know everyone contributes positively and negatively. I also believe God can use me. He has the power to change things for the better. I need wisdom to pick my battles wherever I am. I need wisdom to know how to effectively fight for what I should fight for - to advocate for what needs to be advocated for. And grace to do so with respect, authority, and love. I also need wisdom and grace to let things roll off me when it's not something I should let bother me and when the fight is not worth it. I need wisdom to know what to do to facilitate a positive environment around me in general and how to help facilitate positive relationships around me. I need to make sure that I am following God's lead - that I am abiding in him to discern how to respond appropriately in all areas of my life and what I can realistically be involved in. I need to discern what is better left for someone else to do and what I should do. And then be at peace with that.

Hope and a New Year

I just got back from my annual trip back to Manitoba for Christmas. I drove this year. Driving is a good time for me to converse with God and to listen. Afterall, what else is there to do while driving. Well, other than listen to music and take pictures. Oops ... did I say that? Actually, I didn't take any pics this year while driving. Anyway, back to my point, God often speaks to me through music too, so that's as good a time to listen as any. My last entry indicates a little of the struggle I've been having lately. During my drive out, and throughout my trip, the theme 'hope' seemed to come up. That this year is a year of hope. From songs that talked about hope and really resonating with me, to lyrics that suggest being thankful in that moment is a factor leading to hope, to a sense that things are going to change over the next while and a sense of excitement about what that could mean, to just having a really good trip and a lot of good relationship building. Actually, prior to my trip, I sensed God breathing the word 'hope' into me. Metaphorically, of course. But, whenever I was praying, this word came to mind. It was neat that a series of things all seemed to resonate with that. I experienced things that seemed to revive me. I 'skated' at the Forks - fast, too, while my sister was skating and pushing me. I felt good about my interactions with my family. I spent time with people who mean a lot to me while I was in Winnipeg. I had an awesome New Years.

In the end, though, I had a very hard time leaving this time around. I really did not want to go back to Calgary. I long for a sense of community. Calgary just doesn't feel like community. I don't know my neighbours. I know their dogs better than the people - and that's pretty sad. The whole motivation for so many people is 'how much money can I make' and 'oh, no, I can't afford to live so I must make more'. So it becomes a rat race with few personal connections. I'm not saying I don't have personal connections here - I do have some good friends. Just, overall, there isn't a sense of community. I felt community while in Manitoba this year. I felt loved, accepted. And I felt like I was contributing to the lives of people in my interactions. I still don't feel like anything is tying me to Calgary, other than the fact I work here and have some things I enjoy doing. I feel that can be built elsewhere too. So, I'm not saying I'm going anywhere. But I also feel free to go wherever God has a plan for me. And part of that brings excitement. That God has great plans for my life!

Work wise, I would love to work with communities where people are experiencing poverty. Maybe working in an orphanage. Or, working with people living on the streets or at risk of being homeless, or families who are down and out. Or maybe a community program somewhere, or developing a new program somehow. Something out of the box, of course! :) I'm not hurrying to do something different but this kind of thing is what I want to get back to at some point. And, honestly, Calgary is not really where there is a lot of any of the real poverty. Yes, there's homelessness and some significant social justice issues. But there are so many resources for them - just not OT. So who knows?! The world's my oyster! But God will need to orchestrate everything!

So this year, I didn't really make new resolutions. The things I wrote down are things I'm doing already or have done and want to continue. However, I did make a goal of taking at least one trip that is not to Manitoba - to go somewhere new. The rest of my 'resolution' is to live as much as possible within my values. This includes making decisions that reflect my values.

"Hope is a passion for what is possible" - Kierkegaard

I noticed this quote today and I'm still digesting it. It was the introduction to a story about a boy who was homeless, lost everything in a torrential downpour, and was completely broken. The one connection he had to his sister, the person he loved most, was lost in the rains, and for him, it was like someone he loved dearly had just died. Along comes a person who works with youth on the streets, and he tries to 'fix' everything, only to realize he needs to allow the person to grieve. A few days later, Katrina (the hurricane) comes along and the boy is deeply affected by the loss experienced by the people in the line of Katrina. Instead of panhandling for himself (and he desperately needed it, especially now that he had lost everything he owned), he panhandled for Katrina. He ended up giving all that he had for other people, and this made all the difference in his life. He had hope. He started making changes in his life. I know I'm missing big parts of the story, and to be honest, I'm still digesting the rest of the story. There's a lot to unpack in this story - some more on the level of working with this population and some as simply a person living in Canadian society seeing people on the streets. This passion to help people became his hope, and with this hope, life became possible for this boy. This step was a springboard for him to make many positive changes in his life.

Maybe I'll come back to unpacking this quote more, and maybe even unpacking this story more in another blog post. We'll see. In the mean time, I'm thinking of using this story as a discussion starter for Youth night on Wednesday, although I'm not sure I'll get through reading it out loud. I was bawling most of the way through. I wasn't sad for the boy - I think I was actually crying for this amazing self sacrifice. And the difference this act made in helping this boy move on in life.  I saw myself in the story too - in the street worker. He wanted to solve the problems. He had solutions - get this guy into a shelter, get him housing, get him new clothes, get him a new sleeping back, etc. What this kid needed was to have his feelings validated. He needed someone to go with what he found important - giving the money to a cause that affected him deeply. He needed someone to just love him and not jump to conclusions about what needed to be done. How many of us wouldn't encourage the kid to use the money for him to start building up his own life? Afterall, who else is more in need than this boy? I pray I have the discernment to realize what needs to be done in situations like this. The story is found in the book Bent Hope by Tim Huff and it is called "A Kid and a Coffee Cup". The book is a good read and it may well give you a new perspective.

Hope is a passion for what is possible. ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Learning How to Be Alone - an important spiritual discipline

It's so important to learn how to be alone and to appreciate silence. I like the underlying message of this video - that there are many ways to practise being alone. To enjoy it. That being alone can be acceptable. For me, I started enjoying being alone in Australia. At least, that's where I first remember enjoying being alone. I enjoyed exploring a new city, going to a new coffee shop, going along on my scooter at a walking pace instead of the hurried frenzy of driving through traffic in a car, and just being. Enjoying that here and now. Enjoying those moments by myself and the adventure of seeing things as if for the first time (although some of it definitely was the first time). Whether that was amongst other people or truly by myself, I was still alone. Not in the lonely sense of alone. I learned to enjoy being alone.

I learned how to appreciate the little things in life. I learned how to be there, in that moment, in conversations, and ended up enjoying conversations and that curiosity that comes with really wanting to hear what the other has to say. I learned how to notice the little things in life. How to take life's pace down to a walk instead of race. I learned to enjoy sipping coffee or tea or trying a new food, just for the enjoyment of the flavour and the experience. I learned how to observe. I relearned how to play for the sheer enjoyment of it by playing with a huge bubble wand in a marketplace, surrounded by people yet it was as though I was all alone experiencing joy. My time in Australia was one of huge spiritual growth. Why? Because I learned how to be alone and enjoy it.

And now, I enjoy sitting outside at night, just watching the stars. Or going out for a walk with my scooter. Or sitting in my car, sometimes even with no music and being left to my own thoughts or observations. I enjoy sitting in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon, possibly reading the paper or a book. I enjoy just observing what's going on around me. Taking it all in, but not focusing on anything in particular. I enjoy listening to music at home. I enjoy reading and journaling. I enjoy making music. I enjoy going to a park. I enjoy going for a drive. I enjoy being with other people, engaging in conversations and really being there.

Being alone allows me to worship and spend time with God. It allows me to worship by enjoying nature around me. Or enjoying the little things in life, perhaps by capturing it through a lens. Again - being present in that moment to whatever is going on.

As a side shoot - maybe even my work allows me to worship. I have to live in the moment for my work. There's no way I could facilitate some of the groups I do without really, truly being present. Not distracted by other thoughts. Just being there. Maybe that's part of worship - to really be present. And through that - when in conversation or dialogue, or even in listening to dialogue, appreciating it for what it is and injecting comments here and there as appropriate to facilitate that dialogue.

So then, what is worship? A friend once described it as a way of life. Maybe it's more about being worshipful. A state of being. Many of us think singing is worship - and that alone is worship. I disagree, although it can definitely be part of being worshipful. To me, it really is about a way of life. Being there in that moment with my whole self. Connecting with people. With God. Being ok with being alone, because it allows me to really be present. Sometimes to feel - even the not-so-good feelings. Or to take note of those little things in life that easily go unnoticed and thanking the Creator. To me, making music is part of worship. Reading is part of worship - not only writings such as the Bible or theological books, but also other things that make me think and reflect on my own life and lead to personal evaluation. Or reading funny things because laughter is a gift. Or writing an article or an essay. Using the gifts we are blessed with. For me, being in nature is also a very important way I connect with God. Each of these can be a way to connect with God. To me, worship, or rather, being worshipful, is engaging with life, being in the moment, living an attitude of praise and thanksgiving, and connecting with God with my whole self.

Bringing it back to 'being alone', maybe we should make a practice of taking time to be alone. We can worship when we are with other people or when we are in a church setting. We can also worship wherever we are. I think that without learning how to be alone, we miss out on a very powerful way of worshiping - of connecting with God in a way that is so personalized.

Do you miss ...?

I had a conversation with someone tonight and was asked, "when you're in Calgary, do you miss Winnipeg? And when you're in Winnipeg, do you miss Calgary?" Hmm ... I don't know how to answer that question. I think my response was that I miss people, not either place so much. I have more people in Manitoba that draw me here, but I do have good relationships in Calgary. I also feel my work is not done in Calgary and Calgary is where I am to be for the time being and the next foreseeable future. I guess that didn't exactly answer the question. Do I miss Calgary when I'm in Manitoba? ... I certainly miss having the flexibility of getting around independently (using my car]. This trip I haven't really missed anyone yet. Or anything yet. I do know I'm only here for a short while, though. I do believe I will miss my place in a few days once the busyness subsides. If it does. It will be nice to get back into a routine. Or, rather, to get INTO a routine. But, this time around, it's been quite a while since I came out here to MB to see my family and friends and I'm not quite ready yet to go back. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying my new job. Maybe that's the thing - a lot of my worries are lifting and I don't feel that rush to get back and try to find something. That sense that I NEED to be doing something. That sense I've felt for such a long time. It's kind of nice to just be able to relax, hang out, and not worry about whether I'll have yet another long while without steady income. Sure, I don't know anything for sure. I do know that I have work at the end of this week and that I'll have work for the next little while. I have a wee sense of security that is not causing me to feel like I NEED to be working hard at getting income every moment. So, no, I don't miss that. Then again, that's neither here nor there when it comes to Winnipeg or Calgary. Otherwise, I guess, I don't really think about it. I think about people in both places when I'm not there. I suppose this just emphasizes relationships are important to me - what I miss is spending time with people. I miss that even when I'm in whatever city the person is in if we haven't seen each other in a while.

And missing Winnipeg and area? Other than the people in my life, maybe the slower way of life in general and the more laid back attitude. I do hate the corporate feeling in Calgary where everyone seems to feel pressured to earn more money no matter what. I also miss getting home cooked meals on a regular basis cooked by someone other than me (although, thanks to one of friends, I've been treated to some homestyle cooking recently at home). I miss the summers, even though they are infested with mozzies. I miss the lakes.

On the flip side, though, I'd miss the mountains if I lived here again. And, I have no idea where I'd find an awesome samba drumming troup! Drumming has become part of my life in Calgary. That, and playing music. I'd have to start all over again with a professional network if I moved back to MB. That would suck too.

So, back to the question - yes, in a way, for both.