Remotivation by Unfortunate Circumstance

It's been a rough week. My car has needed some significant repairs - two times in one week! One, I knew about and scheduled the appointment, and the other was a freak thing which lead to some other repairs.  The total of both bills will come to just under $3000! Ouch! Time for a new car???  The only thing is, I don't have work so I can't take on payments. And, buying second hand doesn't really make sense either as repairs will be needed soon on that too. On Saturday, I was at some friends' place and when I was leaving, I heard this awful metal cracking sound.  I was hoping I had driven over something, but really knew it was my car.  I turned the wheel back to straight ahead and I saw the left front end drop.  The coil in the suspension system snapped.  From what I can tell in talking to the mechanic, as well as my dad and another friend who knows a bit about cars, this type of thing is a freak accident.  Nevertheless, the front end needs serious repairs. I am so thankful, though, that I was in a parking spot when it happened and not on Deerfoot or another major road.  Also, I'm thankful it didn't happen on my way to Canmore, as I had plans to go to Canmore for the day on Sunday. That could have been disastrous. So, in a way, somehow, I'm handling this new setback without a lot of emotion.  It feels like when my car was broken into again, and yet again. It's like, 'Oh, yeah, it happened again'. It, in this case, being yet another car repair. When my car kept on getting broken into, I started to almost find it amusing. At first it was like a violation to me.  Then it was just, 'oh ok', and now we move on. I'm still concerned about the financial part of it - that I'm burning through money really quickly. Money that ends up becoming debt. But, strangely, I don't feel worried. It's out of my hands. More on that later.

Last week, I was a bit of a mess - the unexpected amount I had to pay for the repairs, not even being considered for a job I went to an interview for just because I can't lift / transfer people, realizing again that I'm really an outsider in a group I was beginning to feel I was a part of, and other small things. It just hit me and I felt really discouraged.  The not being even considered for a job where, during the interview, they indicated pretty much everyone who applies gets in because it's just a list was what hit me hardest and the other things just added to it. They actually called me and told me the reason they couldn't consider me. I felt like, "why am I even trying?" I keep on applying for jobs.  Jobs in the unofficial OT world where I know I've got all the required qualifications and skills, I'm not even getting calls for interviews. I am getting calls for OT jobs now, but as soon as they learn I can't lift / transfer people, they go with someone else instead of problem solving. So frustrating! So discouraging! But, it also seems to reinforce the fact I need to work on getting my business going.  If it's my business, I can control that a little better.  Or, at least, in that case, I'm marketing my abilities and strengths and connecting to places where I feel my skills are a good match for their needs.

So, after hitting that huge wall of discouragement, I was surprised on Saturday when I really didn't have emotion about the car breaking down.  I knew it would be a big job.  A loud metal cracking sound can't be good.  And, seeing my car drop like that, and then look at it from the outside and seeing the fender almost touching the wheel... I guess, strangely, I think my thoughts were, "this is out of my hands. I can't do anything about this.  I know I can't drive it.  So, whatever happens happens".  I was at my friends' place and their little girl was eager to sit beside me on the grass to watch the tow truck girl get all set up and tow the car.  The fact it was a tow truck girl instead of a tow truck guy totally inspired me for some odd reason. She knew her stuff and it didn't matter whether she was a guy or a girl.  In some ways, I thought she was friendlier than other tow truck drivers I've met.  She took the time to show me what broke. Of course, she had to add the caveat that she can't diagnose, etc. The little girl eagerly coming to sit with me was cute and special. So, there were little things that I could pull out of the day that was kind of neat. The next day, her parents asked me to be her godmother. She is getting baptized in fall and when they asked her who she wants to have as her godparent, she right away said, "Patti". I thought that was cool and also kind of cute. I also was able to spend some time this weekend with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, so that was also good.

Strangely, though, the huge expenses incurred from the past week, and the rejections experienced last week has sort of remotivated me to do something.  I don't think I can go too much lower. I need to take some serious action to do something. I will run out of money very soon if nothing happens very soon! Just looking for jobs has not been successful in the least. Yes, I've gotten interviews. So, I guess that's been a success, but it's also been a real source of discouragement. Maybe it's a bit of a dusting off from the pitfalls and trying to get back on track. This morning, I've been busy.  I called in to the scheduled group conference call for the Veteran Affairs work.  Turns out I found out one of the reasons I haven't gotten any referrals is that they had the wrong phone number on file, the other (which I knew) is that the program has been really slow in getting going here.  I checked into the contact information issue later, and there had been a data entry error which is now resolved.  Who would have thought that would be the reason for not getting referrals? They looked at my paperwork and confirmed a data entry on their part.  They had apparently tried to give me a referral which is how I learned about this.  Apparently the number on file was disconnected.  I am now working on getting approved for general OT work with the federal agencies. It looks like there shouldn't be any difficulty to get approved as I have already been approved to be a service provider in another capacity. I sent in the registration form this morning. I also have to prepare a document to send to the registrar regarding providing music lessons to people with disabilities.  I feel like I have some very concrete steps to do and that maybe there will be some potential for income. I have also been set up with a mentor in getting my business going. I will still need to look for jobs and will continue to do so.  But, more and more, I am feeling that getting the business going will be my best option for employment as the rehabilitation world is just not ready for people who have disabilities to be part of the service provider team.

I will have to work on building a thicker skin to not take rejection personally when I do try to get contracts and clients, as rejection is part of the process. At the same time, I can reframe that so I know it's not about me.  It's about the client not being a good fit with the services at this time. I also know that I need to work on confidence in approaching people. Maybe this is the next step in my life journey - this process may actually boost my confidence several notches. I'm not the most unconfident person out there, but I know I definitely have room to grow. I need to really believe in myself, my abilities, and what I have to offer.  And then, show it! Hopefully the mentor will be able to help me in this.