Times are a'changing ... and it's hard

Times are changing. I suppose change is supposed to be a good thing. Today, my small group decided to end the intentional small group and move to more of a get together less frequently. It's sad for me because the rest of the group all has a place to go - a plan. And I don't. I feel lost. I feel like I am losing my connections to people. I also feel like I am losing my family - this is the only family I really have here in Calgary. I have other friends, but this group is my family here. I fear I will lose more friends because as groups end, people disperse as the closeness lessens. I've already lost connection to two friends from this group when they left the group.

I feel like I don't have any spiritual grounding place anymore. I knew it was coming, so it wasn't really a surprise. Yet, I couldn't help but notice that today was probably the first time everyone was honest with each other about their feelings. Actually talking about feelings. So, it's weird that as we finally take that step to real closeness, we are choosing to end it. I also struggled with feelings like, "am I the only one who finds this hard?" Surely, if we were really a close knit group, it would be hard for others. One would think. But nobody else seemed to struggle. And then I wonder what's wrong with me.

This is coming after several people who I have become somewhat close to at work are leaving or have left. And at a time when I am meeting a number of new people but haven't developed close relationships. Maybe this is an opportunity for new close relationships. Right now, I'm not feeling that sense of opportunity. I'm feeling a sense of loss. It's interesting timing because every time I head home to Manitoba, I have a sense that I want to be back there. Then I get back here and appreciate what I have. Or reason takes over - that I have a job here and jobs there are hard to come by. A nice place to live here. Friends to hang out with. Other responsibilities. And I stay. Right now, I don't have a single reason to stay - not even the fact I have employment (which I do). Even my involvement with Dragonfly is not exciting me. It seems like some elusive grand idea - something that isn't even within my grasp. I think what I'm desiring is a deep, personal connection. I'm also desiring a solid spiritual grounding that comes from being in relationship with other believers. I long for hints of some good things that are to come. A taste of the good things. Because right now, I'm not sure if there's anything that is really exciting me or connecting me to anything. It's a dark place to be, and I know it won't last. I don't dwell on the darkness. But right at this moment, when it seems so many good things are changing, that's how I'm feeling.