Sunday, July 22, 2012

This Time It Feels Different

I'm here at my parents' for vacation. This time it feels different. Yes, I'm connecting with my family and a few friends. For some reason, though, I'm looking forward to getting back to Calgary. I almost typed 'home' instead of Calgary but I stopped myself. I'm not sure why it's different this time. I'm certainly looking forward to seeing my cat again. I guess I've never had something to come home to. The cat, I'm sure, is being well cared for - and may not even be missing me (although on a selfish note, I hope she is missing me). I am working on feeling like I can trust that whole scenario - having someone stay at my place while I'm away, knowing visitors are coming while I'm not there. I'm hoping so much that it's only one or two. And that they're people I know. I feel restless here, though. Frustrated. Even somewhat angry at times, which has been very uncharacteristic for me. More disconnected overall - not necessarily from the people I've seen. That I don't think has changed. People's lives are moving on without me. That much is certain. And that's ok. For the most part, with most people, it's like we just pick up where we left off and I'm happy for that. I guess I wonder where my life is moving on to. And who else God will bring into my path or who, of my current friends God will continue to place a strong role in my life (or grow that role in my life). I continue to be in a state of transition. Sometimes I wish life would settle down. But, then, maybe that's me. Maybe I would be bored if I was in a state where things were status quo. Maybe that's my personality. I certainly look for excitement in my job. I'd be bored to tears (quite literally) if every day looked similar at work. I like having 3 different jobs, all part time. It brings variety. Maybe my personality is a bit like a dragonfly. Floating. Landing on a tree limb, basking in the sunshine in its iridescent glory. In that moment. And then, when ready, moving on to the next spot. Don't worry, that doesn't mean I am planning to move again soon! I really hope that part of my life can be settled for a while! And I'm not looking for a different job, although I've certainly had a lot of frustrations there in the last few months. Where it seems some of my family and some of my friends (in Manitoba certainly and also many in Calgary) are so settled, I never seem to get to a place where I'm settled. That doesn't mean I can't be at peace wherever I'm at. I'd really like to have someone in my life to share my adventures with. That's for sure. I really hope God works that part of my life out some time in the next while.  will have to come to terms with the fact that ever since I can remember, I've reviewed my year and thought, "this was a year of change". Not too many people I know can say that for 10 or more years in a row. And I will certainly add that the changes have been a mix of good (even very good) and not so good. But, back to the topic, it feels like a weird place to be - to actually be looking forward to being back at home. Back in Calgary. Back in my bed. Back into a routine - of variableness to some degree. Still, a routine that I know. And I wonder what adventures will come into my life in Calgary... or wherever else I end up. Because, as it seems, I am destined for a life of transition and constant change. Whomever will be my future partner - beware! Life with me will always be an adventure!

No comments: