Unfocused

I'm feeling unfocused, and it's not a comfortable feeling.  I've always had things to strive towards. I've always been goal oriented.  When someone said I couldn't do something, that's what I wanted to try to do.  Like driving a car.  Or going to Australia.  Or becoming an Occupational Therapist. Usually those things were things I wanted to do beforehand, so it wasn't a rebellious type of reaction. I've been unemployed now for about 10 months.  I know life isn't all about work or school. In areas outside of that, things are going well.  I enjoy my relationships and I'm liking my new place to live. But, somehow, I wonder if I'm wasting time.  I sit here, just past noon, and I feel like I haven't done anything of value today.  Yes, I read for quite a while. I reviewed some of my friends' blogs.  I got the mail and read the important pieces. I looked at some postings. Sometimes I hear comments from people about what I do all day.  I can't quite tell if it's in a judging tone, but I guess that doesn't matter.  Somehow I find things to do.  I'm rarely bored these days, which is so amazing actually.  This time being unemployed has helped me slow down in life which was probably a good thing.  But I do get restless. I feel unproductive.  I feel like I don't have an aim. A goal.

I feel like I need to take some time to reflect.  To just sit with myself and think about what it is I really want.  To spend time in prayer to try to figure that out.  And then let the processing happen. I tend to busy myself doing other things because it feels more productive.  I really like the idea of a flexible schedule which comes with having my own business. I feel like I haven't put enough effort into building that up.  At the same time, I feel like I don't know where to start.  I know I just need to do something. Start with making some calls or something.  At the same time, I know businesses take a long time to get up and going.  Because of that, I feel I need a job to make ends meet. I need to know what I'm going to focus on in my business and figure out what I will do for marketing. So much to think about but again, where do I start? And how do I figure out the best plan - what kind of work is meaningful and also brings in money? There's a lot I'd like to do but there's no money in it and I have to make a living.

I also keep on applying to positions and there are some really interesting positions out there.  I don't know anymore whether I should focus on getting a job or on the business.  I don't know if it's possible to focus on both.  It seems that I'm not getting calls on 'OT' positions but I do get some calls on the unofficial OT type positions. However, in those cases, it's double the work - I need to convince the interviewers that I would be the best fit - my educational background, my skills set, my disability, my experience. They don't set out to hire an OT so they need to know what an OT does.  They also need to see that I'm the best fit for their position. I still get EI, and at the moment, my ends are being met, albeit having to watch my spending. But maybe I should find a part-time office job that covers my basic costs so I can focus on my business?  I might be able to relax a bit more. Also, with an office job, I wouldn't be tempted to become too comfortable staying in that type of role. But then, again, I wouldn't have the time to look for OT type opportunities or places to use my OT skills.

So, that being said, I feel like my energies are spread around but not focused on a specific thing.  I feel unproductive. And I feel like I don't have direction in life. Maybe I don't know what my purpose is in life.  Or maybe I don't even know what my dreams and gifts are. That kind of information would be helpful in making a plan.